I just had a very frustrating but interesting conversation with my Spanish professor. That class has me so confused lately, but in a good way I guess. It makes me think.

We're reading an existentialist novel. It's not really even a novel... the author, Miguel de Unamuno, created his own genre of literature, the nivola, so that he'd be able to break the rules of a typical novel. I asked my professor what rules Unamuno was breaking that called for a new genre, because I couldn't really tell what's keeping this from being a novel. He said that Unamuno's idea is to not interfere with his characters. He lets them progress through the novel...sorry, nivola...on their own. So I asked how that's completely possible, since Unamuno's still writing the book. He said that was the point. I got more confused because any author of a novel could "leave the characters alone" and just not be so obvious (Unamuno talks about it directly within the book).

This somehow turned into a question of free will. Existentialists bring up a lot of questions about and issues with free will. My professor asked me if I believe that God knows what's going to happen and who will go to heaven or hell. I said that God is outside of time and does know but doesn't interfere, so we still have free will. My professor said the "outside of time" argument comes up every year and asked how it can be free will if the future is basically written out already. I don't believe the future is "written out" perse. I mentioned that if someone thinks that what he or she does doesn't matter and starts acting upon that, God already knows that's going to happen. I felt like I was making valid arguments, but my professor kept asking the same question. He wasn't arguing my argument exactly... I think he was just trying to get me to think. It worked. Honestly though, when it's a question about how we can know what God thinks or knows, there will never be an answer. You can't solidly support either side. Existentialists have their way of explaining the world and how they perceive things to be, and Christians have their faith and what they believe to be true. My professor told me that every argument I was making matched arguments made in the past. I pointed out that that's what we've learned. We've learned that God is outside of time. We've learned that God knows all that happens and will happen. We've learned that we have free will. And we accept it. I personally never stopped to consider how these concepts might contradict each other. I still don't see why they have to.

I think we act on our own free will. I also believe God knows what will happen. I know it seems to be a conflict, but I don't really see it as one. What's really frustrating is that I don't really have a way of explaining why I think the ideas can work together...or at least coexist. Right now it's a deep feeling. I don't know if it's because I believe it that strongly or if it's because it's a result of blind faith or if it's just because it's a basic principle I've been taught my whole life in religion classes.

A lot of similar thoughts and ideas have been coming up lately... things that seem to question beliefs I've always known to be true and ideas I've been taught my entire life. I've always just accepted these things because I was told to. It seems wrong even considering the opposing arguments. Not considering in the sense of believing as much as just thinking about them. I still feel like I'm betraying my faith by thinking about these things though. It's just frustrating because faith is such an irrational thing. You kind of have to go into it blindly. It can't be explained. It contradicts the things you can think through and make sense of, and I'm one to really try to make sense of things. I'm the kind of person that needs to understand things fully. I need answers to my questions. I need reasons. (Good thing I'm going to be a journalist, right?) A lot of things just don't make sense to me. I know they're not supposed to, but I still try to make them make sense. The more I try though, the less sense it makes. I still seem to be convinced that I'll be able to find some sort of argument to support my beliefs... something solid that I can really fall back on. So far I haven't really had much luck. It's just hard for me to have to explain things by saying I just have to trust in and believe them. I know that's the point, but it's really hard now, when all I really seem to do is think about life.

I'm determined to have my thoughts at least sort of figured out by the time we talk about this in class. I'm determined to bring in a new idea or argument... something my professor hasn't heard before. The seminarians will be saying what I already said... I want to bring in a new argument, a new idea. I'm just not sure what that new idea would be...

I think I need to figure out what I personally think first.

I find it funny now that I thought volleyball was the only thing I could work really hard at and track my progress and really feel proud because it didn't always necessarily come easily. I find it funny that last year when I didn't make the team I was partly upset because I thought volleyball was the only thing I could be really disciplined about. I thought it was the only thing that could make me work that hard and the only thing that could make me push myself well out of my comfort zone and harder than I would otherwise believe I could push myself.

I also thought it was the idea of being the best that motivated me so much. It really wasn't though. As much as I wanted to be the best, and as much as I wanted to be a leader and help the team do well, I think deep down I really was most concerned about pushing my limits and being my best. I knew I was capable of more and really pushed to get there. I wasn't as selfish as I thought :). I really thought the majority of my motivation came from rewards and recognition and the satisfaction of being better than someone else, but my ambitions really were more genuine than that. I really did want to do better for myself. I liked looking at my playing from year to year and seeing real improvement. I liked knowing I had control over myself. I liked knowing that I was capable of positive change.

I'm getting a lot better at setting personal goals this year. I've started tracking personal progress in my running (ok so you already know I started doing that this summer). My first accomplishment was getting myself to run regularly. Then it was actually enjoying my runs. Then it was running a 5k. Then it was running the mile and a half in 12:04 (over 2 minutes faster than a year ago!). Then it was running every day. Then it was getting my mile and a half down to 11:30 (and continuing to run for a mile or so after). Today it was running 5 miles.

I used to think my Everest was running a mile. Then I got there and could see the taller mountains up ahead.

You can actually learn a lot from sports/athletics. Anything you do to your level of physical strength can be done to your level of mental strength. Any dedication and discipline you put into your body you can put into your mind.

If I can run 5 miles (and I'll bet I can run even more), what can't I do??

Ok, so I also have a problem with thinking about the past too much. I think about the present too, but almost always in comparison to the past. Maybe I just think too much in general...

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts. I wish I could write down all of my thoughts... especially when I'm out walking or running. I feel like I miss so much when I finally go to write things down. It makes my thoughts seem really random and disorganized to only write half of what I'm thinking. Sometimes I just can't keep up with my thoughts and get too tired to keep typing. I just think too much. I need to think less and do more.

I've had a very productive October break. I caught up on sleep and got homework done. This week should be easy now... I have nothing due for another week, so I can work on my test and paper when I get back to Winona. It feels nice to know I was responsible and can actually breathe for a week. Ooh but I need to schedule some interviews for my Tennis Center story for the Cardinal...

I start work at the Winona Daily News tomorrow! I'm just observing at first, which is kind of nice. I guess I'll just be taking calls from coaches and getting important information like scores and game highlights before writing just a little blurb. Nothing too hard-core. Definitely manageable.

I should probably get started on my internship applications soon too... I think I'm going to apply for both the Star Tribune's and the Pioneer Press's internships, in case I don't get the one at the Strib. I personally don't like the Pioneer Press as much, but it would be an equally good experience and would look just as good on a resume. Besides, I already know how to get to the Pioneer Press. :)

I need to pack. And run. And shower/get ready. And do a tiny bit more homework.

I think about the future way too much sometimes. I plan out my whole life and then end up disappointed when things don't work out quite right. I don't know why I do it; the best moments of my life are the completely random surprises. I just get so excited about my life and all the good things I want to happen... and with so many people I know that are my age getting married or engaged, it's hard not to think about the future as something potentially very close. Not to mention graduation really isn't all that far away. It sucks though, because I'm liking my life so much right where it is, but I'm still so anxious to move on to the rest of it... but I know once I'm there I'm going to want to come back to where I am now. I need to learn to be patient and just live in the moment EVEN WHEN THE MOMENT IS DULL.

Yup, that's my life lesson for today.