It's 2:30 in the morning, and I'm really not all that tired. I have a lot on my mind. I feel like all I can focus on lately is my TEC talk, my future (though not as much as I have this year), or my insecurities. I'm more than a little disgusted that all three of those began with "my." I just can't stop thinking about some of it. Especially my TEC talk, which I need to have ready by Sunday.
I'm giving a discipleship talk, and apparently I'm supposed to talk about the call to holiness and prayer, service, and mission. When I asked Lynn for advice to at least be able to focus my thoughts, she mentioned thinking about holiness in relation to my life, and when I said I don't think of myself as leading a holy life, she asked me why. I feel like using the word 'holy' automatically makes the whole thing very intimidating. I could easily talk about my faith in general and about how much stronger it's gotten lately. I could easily talk about prayer and how big a part it plays in my life (though I'd feel a little awkward saying that I pray a lot... it just doesn't feel like the kind of thing you talk about). I could talk about service, but I'd feel like a hypocrite or something. I don't stay very on top of things when it comes to my monthly volunteer opportunity I have to plan, and I tend to avoid things that will require more work. I complain about having to get up early for them, and I get grumpy about having to go. Of course, that all changes once I'm actually there volunteering, and that's what keeps me coming back, but I don't think I have the right attitude about volunteering.
Then there's the 'mission' aspect of the talk... the 'calling,' really. I'm never really sure what God is calling me to do, and I certainly don't know what my overall calling in life is. I don't know my purpose yet. I know that's okay, but it bothers me that I can't think of how to incorporate it into my talk.
The worst part is that this talk involves things I find to be very personal for me, and I'm not sure if I have stories or anecdotes to go with it. I don't want to preach to the TECites about what they should do if I'm not even sure I do it right, but I don't necessarily have any specific struggles that I overcame to get there. Okay, so that might be a lie, but I'm not really sure if it is. Let's just say I've gotten pretty good at repressing memories. I'm not really sure how big an effect certain moments had on my faith life.
Then there's the problem that thinking about these less-than-pleasant memories has me feeling the way I used to feel about myself and my life. It doesn't consume me in the same way, but it's constantly there, and it kind of makes me see things now in a different light.
My biggest fear with this talk is that I'm going to turn it into something all about me and not necessarily keep the best interests of the TECites in mind. TEC weekend is for them. These talks are meant to help them. They're not our personal therapy sessions. I'm so worried about keeping their best interests in mind that I can't think clearly about what I do need to say. It's s distracting, and then when I do have ideas, they flood me all at once to the point that I am so overwhelmed I can't think about it anymore. I need to just get everything else done so I can sit down and map out my thoughts, but that won't happen with the deadline this weekend and other priorities.
I just can't wait until it's all sorted out and ready to present.
Monday, January 18, 2010
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