I think about the future way too much sometimes. I plan out my whole life and then end up disappointed when things don't work out quite right. I don't know why I do it; the best moments of my life are the completely random surprises. I just get so excited about my life and all the good things I want to happen... and with so many people I know that are my age getting married or engaged, it's hard not to think about the future as something potentially very close. Not to mention graduation really isn't all that far away. It sucks though, because I'm liking my life so much right where it is, but I'm still so anxious to move on to the rest of it... but I know once I'm there I'm going to want to come back to where I am now. I need to learn to be patient and just live in the moment EVEN WHEN THE MOMENT IS DULL.

Yup, that's my life lesson for today.

It's been a while since I've written in here. I just spent the last half hour reading old entries. No particular reason why... I just felt like seeing what kind of stuff I've been thinking in the last year. I never really stop to read these entries when I post them.

I had an interview with the Winona Daily News yesterday and am now their newest part-time sports reporter! It doesn't pay a ton, but I don't even care. It's a job that pays more than not working would, and it's at a newspaper. I'm beyong excited. To be completely honest, I'm also a little bit scared. This is probably the first job I've ever had that actually matters to me. Coldstone did a little at first, but that was only because it was my first job. MoneyGram was just a (very boring) way to make money over the summer. Nacel was a less boring way to do the same. This is something that I want to do for a career. It's not just some meaningless way to earn money. I'm working at a real newspaper. That people actually read. It's a little scary to think about. But I'm definitely more excited than anything.

It's cold out. But I think I'm ok with it. I'm not ok with how cold it is in my room though :(. Especially in the morning when I wake up... Sara likes to keep the fans on at night... otherwise she can't sleep. I don't mind until the morning. Maybe I'll ask her to turn the fans off when she wakes up?

I hope the Twins cream the White Sox tonight... :)

"...what is not possible is not to choose. I can always choose, but I must know that if I do not choose, that is still a choice." -Jean-Paul Sartre

Well I guess it's a good thing I'm getting to be a lot better at making decisions. It helps that I am often in positions where I need to make them. As an editor for the paper, as the publicity chair for SAC, as a hall representative in Student Senate... It's really helping me feel more comfortable about making my own personal decisions that I know will affect others. My big fear used to be this effect my choices have on everyone, but as Sartre said, not choosing was just as much of a choice and had just as much effect on others.

Por una mirada, un mundo;
por una sonrisa, un cielo;
por un beso... Yo no se
que te diera por un beso!
-Gustavo Adolfo Becquer

I wish I felt this much admiration for someone. I wish someone felt this much love for me. It's such a short and simply-worded poem, but there's so much meaning behind it. It's beautiful in its simplicity. It's full of longing and passion... it's hard to imagine loving someone so much. It's hard to imagine wanting to give so much in the hopes that the other person will look at you, smile at you, kiss you.

I guess I'm in one of those moods. I feel like talking... like having a real heart-to-heart. I hate when that happens and I don't really have anyone to talk to. I mean, I have people to talk to, but you can't really force a heart-to-heart.

I need to go for a run. I have done nothing since tryouts ended.... besides one long walk with Molly. I just haven't really had time. Running itself doesn't take long, but then there's showering and getting ready again. I wish I were disciplined enough to run in the morning before getting ready. Then again, I really don't go to bed early enough to ever expect to be able to wake up any earlier than I already do.

I'm losing focus.. I think I'm going to go to bed.

I'm very extreme in my moods and emotions. I'm either incredibly happy and giddy and optimistic or very frustrated and cranky. I'm also pretty extreme in my thoughts in general. I either feel incredibly confident and sure of myself or very timid and uncertain. I'm either loving life and taking risks or holding back and doubting myself. I'm either letting go and having fun or worrying intensely. Rarely do I feel like I'm right in between. And honestly, I like it that way. More often than not I'm the positive, upbeat extreme, and it's a lot more fun than just letting life go on without me. I like to take charge. I like to get involved.

This entry just totally shifted in focus. Now I don't even know what I'm getting at.

Just being back at school makes me feel so much more confident. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just because I feel like I have more say about things here. I'm more of an equal. More of an adult. Most of the people I encounter are around my age. They can't look down on me because I'm only 19. I feel more respected than I do at home. And I get to be a leader. It's nice. Really nice.

Ok. That was all really random. My roommate just gave me permission to do homework (haha... you have to be here), so I think I'm done here.

I've been feeling really restless lately. I fell like there's so much I want to do, but instead I'm trapped in a predictable, routine summer controlled largely by my parents. I have obligations I don't even care about and responsibilities that honestly mean nothing to me. I can probably list what I've done this summer on one hand. I feel like I've wasted my time. I want an adventure. I want to do something new and exciting. I want to get away from my boring everyday life as long as I'm young and still can. I'm honestly very excited to go back to school just because I feel it will be much more exciting. I'll have at least 7 different activities, a job, and classes, and I'll be working out and giving tours of campus. I'll get to hang out with anyone at anytime. I'll set my own rules and boundaries and take responsibility for my own actions. I won't be responsible for someone else's concerns. My obligations will be toward things I actually care about, and I'll be able to do something new if I get bored.

If there's one thing I don't like about going to St. Mary's, it's that I can't permanently move out of the house until I graduate. Spring break and the beginning of summer were ok, but every other break was a pain, and this summer has gotten far too long. I love my family, but I'm just so sick of living at home and having my life run for me. I considered the idea of getting an apartment in Winona if I don't get the internship at the Star Tribune, but I don't want to be that far away from my family and friends. At least next summer will feel shorter if I'm in Spain for the month of May...

I'm so sick and tired of not having control over my life.

I'm too tired to complain anymore.

To end on a bright note: I ran the VillageFest 5k yesterday and it felt amazing!! I ran the entire thing, stopping once to tie my shoe. I finished with a time of 28:01 (9:03 pace), which is waaay better than i expected. :)

let's be philosophical today...

I wrote this in my livejournal a week or two ago, and i felt like it was worth thinking about again:

One of the greatest things about life is that you have no idea what's going to happen. There is no peaking into the future, and i like it that way... it gives each and every thing you do a purpose. Nothing would matter if things would turn out just one way anyway.



I visited a friend from school this weekend. She lives on a farm... she's even more isolated and in the country than my roommate is. I had a blast though. I really don't think I'd mind living out there.

Out of everything I did down there (which included 4-wheeling and driving a tractor), my favorite thing was looking at the sky. It just felt so much bigger down there. The storm Friday night was bigger, angrier, more powerful. The clouds seem to take up so much less space on a sunny day. There seem to be millions more stars in hundreds of extra layers I can't see here. It's so deep and expansive. I felt so small underneath it. I felt twice as afraid of the storm, but I felt twice as comforted under the many sunbeams that extended to the ground. It really did remind me of how big the world really is. Everyone is so absorbed in how important they are and how many people they know. They worry about publicity and impact. People don't seem to understand just how small we really are... just how big the world around us is... just how amazing it is that it all comes together so perfectly for us. It really makes you stop and think. As cheesy as it sounds, looking at that sky really made me think about the big picture. Except, I wasn't really thinking anything specific. I guess it was more of a feeling that there's more to it than just me. (now we'll have to see how long I keep this in mind)

It actually made me sad for what we're missing here in the city...