I find it funny now that I thought volleyball was the only thing I could work really hard at and track my progress and really feel proud because it didn't always necessarily come easily. I find it funny that last year when I didn't make the team I was partly upset because I thought volleyball was the only thing I could be really disciplined about. I thought it was the only thing that could make me work that hard and the only thing that could make me push myself well out of my comfort zone and harder than I would otherwise believe I could push myself.

I also thought it was the idea of being the best that motivated me so much. It really wasn't though. As much as I wanted to be the best, and as much as I wanted to be a leader and help the team do well, I think deep down I really was most concerned about pushing my limits and being my best. I knew I was capable of more and really pushed to get there. I wasn't as selfish as I thought :). I really thought the majority of my motivation came from rewards and recognition and the satisfaction of being better than someone else, but my ambitions really were more genuine than that. I really did want to do better for myself. I liked looking at my playing from year to year and seeing real improvement. I liked knowing I had control over myself. I liked knowing that I was capable of positive change.

I'm getting a lot better at setting personal goals this year. I've started tracking personal progress in my running (ok so you already know I started doing that this summer). My first accomplishment was getting myself to run regularly. Then it was actually enjoying my runs. Then it was running a 5k. Then it was running the mile and a half in 12:04 (over 2 minutes faster than a year ago!). Then it was running every day. Then it was getting my mile and a half down to 11:30 (and continuing to run for a mile or so after). Today it was running 5 miles.

I used to think my Everest was running a mile. Then I got there and could see the taller mountains up ahead.

You can actually learn a lot from sports/athletics. Anything you do to your level of physical strength can be done to your level of mental strength. Any dedication and discipline you put into your body you can put into your mind.

If I can run 5 miles (and I'll bet I can run even more), what can't I do??

Ok, so I also have a problem with thinking about the past too much. I think about the present too, but almost always in comparison to the past. Maybe I just think too much in general...

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts. I wish I could write down all of my thoughts... especially when I'm out walking or running. I feel like I miss so much when I finally go to write things down. It makes my thoughts seem really random and disorganized to only write half of what I'm thinking. Sometimes I just can't keep up with my thoughts and get too tired to keep typing. I just think too much. I need to think less and do more.

I've had a very productive October break. I caught up on sleep and got homework done. This week should be easy now... I have nothing due for another week, so I can work on my test and paper when I get back to Winona. It feels nice to know I was responsible and can actually breathe for a week. Ooh but I need to schedule some interviews for my Tennis Center story for the Cardinal...

I start work at the Winona Daily News tomorrow! I'm just observing at first, which is kind of nice. I guess I'll just be taking calls from coaches and getting important information like scores and game highlights before writing just a little blurb. Nothing too hard-core. Definitely manageable.

I should probably get started on my internship applications soon too... I think I'm going to apply for both the Star Tribune's and the Pioneer Press's internships, in case I don't get the one at the Strib. I personally don't like the Pioneer Press as much, but it would be an equally good experience and would look just as good on a resume. Besides, I already know how to get to the Pioneer Press. :)

I need to pack. And run. And shower/get ready. And do a tiny bit more homework.

I think about the future way too much sometimes. I plan out my whole life and then end up disappointed when things don't work out quite right. I don't know why I do it; the best moments of my life are the completely random surprises. I just get so excited about my life and all the good things I want to happen... and with so many people I know that are my age getting married or engaged, it's hard not to think about the future as something potentially very close. Not to mention graduation really isn't all that far away. It sucks though, because I'm liking my life so much right where it is, but I'm still so anxious to move on to the rest of it... but I know once I'm there I'm going to want to come back to where I am now. I need to learn to be patient and just live in the moment EVEN WHEN THE MOMENT IS DULL.

Yup, that's my life lesson for today.

It's been a while since I've written in here. I just spent the last half hour reading old entries. No particular reason why... I just felt like seeing what kind of stuff I've been thinking in the last year. I never really stop to read these entries when I post them.

I had an interview with the Winona Daily News yesterday and am now their newest part-time sports reporter! It doesn't pay a ton, but I don't even care. It's a job that pays more than not working would, and it's at a newspaper. I'm beyong excited. To be completely honest, I'm also a little bit scared. This is probably the first job I've ever had that actually matters to me. Coldstone did a little at first, but that was only because it was my first job. MoneyGram was just a (very boring) way to make money over the summer. Nacel was a less boring way to do the same. This is something that I want to do for a career. It's not just some meaningless way to earn money. I'm working at a real newspaper. That people actually read. It's a little scary to think about. But I'm definitely more excited than anything.

It's cold out. But I think I'm ok with it. I'm not ok with how cold it is in my room though :(. Especially in the morning when I wake up... Sara likes to keep the fans on at night... otherwise she can't sleep. I don't mind until the morning. Maybe I'll ask her to turn the fans off when she wakes up?

I hope the Twins cream the White Sox tonight... :)

"...what is not possible is not to choose. I can always choose, but I must know that if I do not choose, that is still a choice." -Jean-Paul Sartre

Well I guess it's a good thing I'm getting to be a lot better at making decisions. It helps that I am often in positions where I need to make them. As an editor for the paper, as the publicity chair for SAC, as a hall representative in Student Senate... It's really helping me feel more comfortable about making my own personal decisions that I know will affect others. My big fear used to be this effect my choices have on everyone, but as Sartre said, not choosing was just as much of a choice and had just as much effect on others.

Por una mirada, un mundo;
por una sonrisa, un cielo;
por un beso... Yo no se
que te diera por un beso!
-Gustavo Adolfo Becquer

I wish I felt this much admiration for someone. I wish someone felt this much love for me. It's such a short and simply-worded poem, but there's so much meaning behind it. It's beautiful in its simplicity. It's full of longing and passion... it's hard to imagine loving someone so much. It's hard to imagine wanting to give so much in the hopes that the other person will look at you, smile at you, kiss you.

I guess I'm in one of those moods. I feel like talking... like having a real heart-to-heart. I hate when that happens and I don't really have anyone to talk to. I mean, I have people to talk to, but you can't really force a heart-to-heart.

I need to go for a run. I have done nothing since tryouts ended.... besides one long walk with Molly. I just haven't really had time. Running itself doesn't take long, but then there's showering and getting ready again. I wish I were disciplined enough to run in the morning before getting ready. Then again, I really don't go to bed early enough to ever expect to be able to wake up any earlier than I already do.

I'm losing focus.. I think I'm going to go to bed.

I'm very extreme in my moods and emotions. I'm either incredibly happy and giddy and optimistic or very frustrated and cranky. I'm also pretty extreme in my thoughts in general. I either feel incredibly confident and sure of myself or very timid and uncertain. I'm either loving life and taking risks or holding back and doubting myself. I'm either letting go and having fun or worrying intensely. Rarely do I feel like I'm right in between. And honestly, I like it that way. More often than not I'm the positive, upbeat extreme, and it's a lot more fun than just letting life go on without me. I like to take charge. I like to get involved.

This entry just totally shifted in focus. Now I don't even know what I'm getting at.

Just being back at school makes me feel so much more confident. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just because I feel like I have more say about things here. I'm more of an equal. More of an adult. Most of the people I encounter are around my age. They can't look down on me because I'm only 19. I feel more respected than I do at home. And I get to be a leader. It's nice. Really nice.

Ok. That was all really random. My roommate just gave me permission to do homework (haha... you have to be here), so I think I'm done here.