SMU countdown: 8 weeks

I can't take this anymore! I'm so sick of being told that my feelings don't matter! I can't control them, and I think I have every right to feel how I feel. I'm usually really good at keeping that to myself, but when I'm trapped without some kind of outlet (running, for instance), I'm prone to moodiness and frustration before finally snapping and saying something. Really, I should be able to say something. What makes anyone think it's ok to tell someone they can't feel a certain way? How can I "not have a right" to miss my friends or running? I'm stuck in an office all day and spend more time than I probably should daydreaming about what I'd be doing if I were outside, and then I come home and have to follow someone else's schedule. I'm not complaining about doing it; I know I promised to help. I'm just not used to being confined to someone else's priorities anymore.

I have been helping though, and it really upsets me that I'm constantly being criticized for not doing as much as others. I don't have as much time as others, since I get home from work around 5:30. It's really hard to get motivated to get going after sitting at a desk for 8 hours (I don't even take a lunch break lately; I just eat at my desk and keep working). Nobody said I had to be cheerful about it. Why should it matter as long as the work gets done? I have been working. I've been doing what's been asked of me, and I don't think it's fair to be constantly harped on for that.

I'm so frustrated right now. I feel smothered. I can't even have an opinion in this house! I'm stuck doing what everyone tells me to do (including my little sister, which has gotten far beyond annoying). I miss being at school and setting my own priorities and following my own schedule and eating what I want, when I want (instead of waiting until 9:20pm).

For those who like to read my blog and tell my dad about it so he can tell me what not to write in my own blog (which really makes me mad), please understand that I still love my family very much and simply need a way to vent my feelings since I can't leave the house, anyone I would talk to about it is asleep, and screaming would only get me in more trouble.

Livin' on a prayer

I'm itching to go on an adventure. I don't even care what kind. It can be as simple as when we hiked up to "the rock" in the mud during a tornado watch last week. Okay, I made that sound misleadingly exciting. The weather was just fine, despite the tornado watch, and we didn't know about the watch until we had already decided to go. Still, I loved hiking in the bluffs and getting muddy. I really want to go on a road trip, even a day trip, to someplace random. I really want to go explore some place I've never been. I feel like there aren't many opportunities for adventures when I'm back home.

I keep getting more and more excited about the idea of spending a year in Europe after graduation. I should really check on that scholarship ASAP. I still might decide to do some volunteering after that too. It'd be a really great opportunity for new experiences, and I might as well do as many different things as I can before really getting out there in the "real world."

Annnnnyway. I'm not sure if I mentioned it yet, but I reached one of my running goals for the summer! I ran 10 miles last Sunday. :) I can't wait for Kaja's grad party to be out of the way so I have more time to run.

I need to find new running routes too...

10 miles!!!!! :)

I think working New Student Orientation is the best kind of vacation. I'm still getting paid, even if it is less than back home. I'm in Winona, which is awesome in itself. I'm on campus with my friends. I get to help new students see how awesome SMU is. It's pretty easy work too.

Yesterday after church I went for a 10 mile run in the bluffs and around the lake a couple times. It felt amazing! It was such a gorgeous day too! Hot, yes, but I tend to run better in the heat for some reason. I'm so glad I made my summer goal so early in the summer too! It's so weird to think that when I started, I really struggled through one mile. I could barely imagine running for 10 straight minutes, and now I'm at almost an hour and a half of just running. Not just that, but I tend to run up any hill I see. I love knowing I can push myself so hard. :)

After my run, I showered and then we went to the beach. That was fun. :) Then we ordered Erbs&Gerbs for dinner and went to the park until it got dark, and we finished the night off watching Pursuit of Happyness on TV.

We went to the beach again today. :):)

I am already tanner than I've gotten the last few summers! Most of it is from running, but I also got a lot of color from the beach yesterday (and probably today).

The best part about this week is getting away from the 'stress' of Kaja's grad. party. Everyone's freaking out, which I think is unnecessary. It's nice that I can just relax a bit before that last week of preparations so I can be more patient and willing to help out. I want it to turn out okay, but I have no reason to believe it won't anyway. People are just going to be happy to get a chance to see each other, and as long as there's food and alcohol, nobody can really complain, can they?

Anyway. Life is good :)

It's been a long time since I've written. I've wanted to write many times in the last month, but I always find myself either too busy or too tired to think.

Most of my thoughts this summer have revolved around what to do after graduation next year, but now (as of yesterday) I have a new 2-4 year plan. I'm going to spend a year taking classes in Poland... just language classes so I can actually feel confident speaking my first language again. This part of the plan depends on scholarships. If I don't get that, I'll do long-term volunteering with Lasallian Volunteers or Americorps or something. Even if I do get to go to Poland, I might still volunteer for a while. By then I might have an idea of what I want to do.

I feel so relieved now that I have an answer to the "what are you doing after graduation?" question. I feel like I can breathe and enjoy my last year now. I'll just keep building experiences and keep my eyes/mind open to possible career tracks. Maybe I'll visit the career center at school... We'll see. Either way, I no longer feel the need to panic. Nothing good could come of that.

I don't know why I was always in such a rush to get out of school and into the business world. I like learning, and I have many, many years to work. With how easily bored I can get, I shouldn't rush into something that might end up being the same thing day after day for years.

Bottom line: I'm super excited for my new plan :)

I'm seriously addicted to Cheesecake in a Jar. I really hope you can order it online, or I'll have to make another trip to Canada very soon.

May is almost over. People keep saying that they can't believe how quickly it's gone by, but I actually don't agree. It feels like ages ago that I was turning in my stats final and leaving SMU. It's not even like all that much has happened; it just feels like it's been a very full month.

I got up to 8 miles a couple weeks ago. Then I went a week without running while in Canada. I could've easily stuck to a simple 3 mile run yesterday, but I pushed myself to run almost 5. Today I ran 6.6. It makes me really happy to know I can push myself like that. I've been a little nervous lately that I've been losing a lot of my self-motivation since I decided it's okay to not have a plan right now. I know that once I decide on something, I'll go after it full-force, but it's kind of hard to think that way when I've been going with the flow for a while. I'll figure it out. I always do.

You could make a really simple snack by spreading Cheesecake in a Jar on a grahm cracker and topping it off with sliced strawberries...

I was almost hit by a car today. The guy was at a red light, waiting to turn right. I had a green light and a 'walk' sign. When I looked at the guy, he wasn't moving (he was busy looking left for on-coming traffic). He apparently didn't bother to look right... or right in front of him. I was seriously right in front of his car when he started moving. The car came (no exaggeration) less than an inch away from my left thigh, right under my hip. He didn't even stop... I had to dodge around the corner of the car. Good thing I was running.

Okay, I need to write this article and finish cleaning the cabinets so I can go back to enjoying the gorgeous weather...

365 days :(

It's only the 3rd day of summer vacation, but I already want to go back to SMU. I miss it so much! I don't know how I'm going to make it through graduation next year... it's going to be tough.

I graduate exactly one year from today. That's insane.

I've been really nervous lately about not having a plan. I know it's good that I'm kind of going with the flow, but it's still been worrying me. I've always had some sort of plan. I've always had some answer ready for the inevitable "what's next?" questions from family, friends of the family, and friends of my parents ("Hi, nice to meet you. What are you doing after graduation?"). It's been a little awkward lately hadling those with a simple "I'm not exactly sure yet," but at least it's honest.

I really do like not having a plan. As nervous as I am, I'm at least not stressing over having made the wrong decision or having my life mapped out for me. I don't have to make decisions based on what I want the end result to be. I can make decisions that are right for me and wait to see what the end result will be. It feels like my life has more purpose when every action and decision matters. I feel much more free knowing that I still have options in life. I think I'll be more likely to find something I really enjoy this way. Let's face it- I'm not all that motivated by money. I've grown up learning that I have to be perfect and work hard to someday make a lot of money and be happy. I've now learned that the world won't end if I make some mistakes, and money won't make me happy. I can stop thinking about the things I'm better than everyone at and start thinking about things I care about most. There's a lot I can do out there, and I like the idea of exploring all those options.

I might be graduating in a year, but that doesn't mean I only have one year to plan out my life. Life really isn't something to be tamed and trained to your own standards anyway. Life happens, and you're only going to be disappointed if you don't learn to roll with the punches. It's big and messy and inconsistent out there, and I'd be very naive to think I could figure it all out before I really get out there and become a part of it. (Really, that would only be saying I'm not already a part of it.)

People get so caught up in the idea that we only get one life and we have to live it right. They make lists and plans and goals and work tirelessly to achieve their dreams. The problem is that if they fail to do what they set out to do, they decide they failed at life. If you ask me, you don't need to reach your goals to succeed at life. You don't need to make a lot of money or find the so-called person of your dreams. You don't have to be the strongest or bravest or most powerful. You don't have to be the most famous or most popular. How sucky would it be if only the people who reach the top of our own conceived success "ladders" were considered to have lived good, fulfilling lives? Why do we need those things to be happy?

Why even qualify happiness? 'If I get that promotion, I'll be happy.' 'If I graduate with a 4.0 GPA, I'll be happy.' 'If I marry a doctor, I'll be happy.' Why can't you just be happy? 'I'm happy.' It's that simple. Why do you have to be unhappy if something doesn't go your way? Why do you have to be unhappy if you run into an obstacle? Why can't you be happy in spite of those things? Why can't you be happy and find success? 'I'm happy, and I got a promotion.'

Being happy with life isn't about what you do with your life. It's all about attitude.

Now I just need to remember that as I go through my last summer as a student, my last year of college, and life after graduation..

Today is Study Day..

I'm at work for the last time. :( I'm going to miss the Daily.

I hope we get out early tonight though. I'm on until 11, and then I'm driving back home. I was originally going to drive back tomorrow morning, but that would mean somehow waking up early (my phone is still broken, I have no alarm clock, and now I can't get the sound on my laptop to turn back on), packing up my car (which took a loooong time), and driving for 2 hours. Then I'd drive right back tomorrow night. This way I can wake up at home, unpack my car, and study all day before getting a new phone, going to Festival of Nations for a little bit, and coming back to Winona.

-I'm really excited to get a new phone!-

I'm so tired. I should really start going to bed sooner. My mattress at school is so bad though that I just don't sleep well, and I think a part of me just tries to avoid it. At least I got my packing almost completely out of the way. Tomorrow I'll study for Philosophy of Person, and then Saturday and Sunday will be devoted to studying for my other three finals. My PR final is terms only, which will be easy enough... especially since so many of those are the same as the terms I had to learn for Reporting II and Media Law last semester. I'm not too worried about Environmental Biology either, as long as I look over my notes a few times. Stats is going to be tougher. I should at least organize my notes for that a bit tomorrow. I didn't do so well on the last test, so I really need to do well on the final.

I shouldn't have to be stressing over Stats. I'd be fine if I had kept up this semester. The actual concepts are easy... I just should have been practicing problems and doing assignments. It's been really hard to try to motivate myself in that class. Lectures were dull and too slow for me (my fault I guess for taking a lower level than I tested into), and I never put much priority on homework for that class. I definitely regret that. I actually did really well with that for the first 2 tests, but then I fell behind and never caught up.

At least I don't have any papers or projects to worry about, besides my final art project. I should really figure out what exactly I need to do for that... It should be less involved than the self-portrait.

I'm actually really happy with how the self-portrait turned out. I was so unhappy when he announced that project, but it was by far my favorite one to work on. I wish I hadn't had to rush so much at the end, but it turned out ok. I might do another one this summer... I still have supplies left over.

Work is sloooow today. We already sent in the city roundup though, and a good chunk of the area stuff has come in, so hopefully we'll be done early..? We'll see...