It's not that I'm too picky. It's not that I'm too independent. It's not that I'm anti-love or anti-romance. It's not that my standards are too high. It's not that I have "back off" stamped across my forehead. It's not that I have trust issues or expect all guys to be jerks and liars. It's not that I'm afraid of commitment. It's not that I'm unloveable. It's not that I'm too busy. It's not even that I like being single right now.

It's that I'm patient.

I haven't met a guy yet who's really worth taking a significant amount of my time away from my friends and family - the people in my life who have been around and will continue to be around. I know what I want out of a real relationship, and I have yet to find someone who I think I could have that with.

So I stick to talking, flirting, and just hanging out and having fun. I keep my family and friends at #1 and keep my wits about me.

I don't worry about being alone forever. I don't think I will be. It's not something I need to worry about right now, so I don't.

I'm patient. It may be the only thing in my life that I'm patient about, but I think love is one thing really worth being patient for.

So people can feel sorry for me if they want. They can worry about me or shrug me off as an ultra-independent feminist. They can keep telling me that I need to meet a "nice boy" right now and get married and all that jazz. They can keep up the annoying "any boyfriend?" questions. They can think whatever they want. In the end, I know I'll be the happy one.

It's very comforting to know that finishing college was just the beginning. I may not live with/next door to/near my friends anymore, but that definitely doesn't mean I won't see them anymore or that we can't still be super close. This weekend proved that. I think I can finally feel like I have some closure with graduating. :)

Let it go?

It's weird how all of the stress, anxiety, business, and pressure of this semester (well, this year really) ended so abruptly. Activities are over forever, the lacrosse season ended, classes and projects are done with, and grades are in. Now it's senior week, and my only concern is having fun and saying goodbyes before graduation Saturday. Stress from back home pretty much went away at the same time as school stress died down too. You'd think it would be a complete relief to suddenly not be worrying all the time, but it just feels weird. Too abrupt. I can't completely relax because I'm afraid I'm missing something that I should be worrying about. There was so much going on this year, and I got used to being worn down and distracted. Now I just find myself taking stock of the year and thinking about just how jam-packed it was. I still have a lot on my mind...

It's senior week though, and I only have a few more days as an undergrad at Saint Mary's... just a few more days with my roommates and some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for.

Are we there yet?

I can't wait to graduate and have my own space and not be talked down to like a little kid.

I've been in a less-than-chipper mood the last few days. Okay, I've been a little moody in general since spring break ended. Being away from my classes and responsibilities for a while was nice, and having my own room - my own space - again was nice. I'm just feeling really homesick and am seriously lacking sufficient 'me' time. Maybe that's why I'm never really productive when I have large chunks of time during the day (like now). It's the only time I have to myself to do what I want to do and/or watch what I want to watch without having to compete with what other people want to do. As stubborn as I can be, I'm not one to make a big deal about noise or music or tv or other little things that bother me. That's a little surprising (even to me) considering the things I do turn into a big deal... at least with my closest friends. I guess I'd rather be a little annoying about things that don't affect them than start some kind of argument over something that does have to do with them.

I want to run, but I want to take advantage of my time alone in the village. I suppose I should clean since we're apparently having two visitors this weekend, with one coming today (all of which I found out last night). I should work on homework too... and the Cardinal. I should run to the store for stuff I'm running out of. I want to nap, but I should maybe just make some coffee instead. I want to go for a 4 hour walk like I used to do when I had so much on my mind, but a) I don't have that kind of time, and b) if I'm going to walk, I might as well run. I wish I had time for both.

I'm rapidly losing motivation to train for and run my marathon. I've already gotten so far behind, and I just don't like what a chore running has gotten to be. I still love it, but when things get busy and I'm fighting to fit it into my schedule in my only "down" time, it's really hard to enjoy it. If I had nothing else to do it'd be a different story.

I just feel really... blah.

What do you stay awake for?

I've always loved Caribou's little saying, "Life is short, stay awake for it." Today when I went to get coffee, I saw they had a post-it pad that had, "What do you stay awake for?" on each sheet. They had markers out, and people had written in what they stay awake for and posted their sheets around the counter. I wasn't sure what I stay awake for, besides life in general. It really got me thinking though.

A lot of people listed people in their lives, specifically kids and spouses. I suppose I could say my family and friends. Some people put happy-go-lucky things like sunshine and life. I could say that... but I think people think I'm too cynical to believe that. I could say adventure, but apparently I don't strike some people as the adventurous type. I could say my future students, but I'd feel like a fraud since I don't think people understand yet how excited I am to be a teacher (and how long I've actually had it in mind). I could say running, but I almost never run in the mornings. I could say my activities, but they're not really what I look forward to the most anymore. I guess my family and friends really would be my answer. They're the most important to me, and they're always my priority.

I like that the new Caribou cups come with little sayings all over them. A few of them:

• laugh so hard you cry
• make time for silly
• eat when you are hungry, nap when you are tired
• make today special
• compliment a stranger
• do it for love, not profit
• grow older without ever growing up
• thank a teacher
• continue more conversations offline
• listen 1st, talk 2nd
• learn to dance a jig
• start right now
• take all your vacation days
• dance to your own rhythm
• be a hero minus the dorky cape
• smile first, ask questions later
• follow your heart

Okay, so that was all but maybe 3 from this cup. There are just a few that don't really apply to me.

:)

"Silence is essential for thought."

I may be a very social person, but I am definitely lacking in alone time. I think I just need a little breathing space. I've spent too many years overcompensating for the time in my life when I got too much alone time.

I was a very lonely kid. On the one hand, my imagination was allowed to roam wild without the hassels of explaining ideas or following someone else's ideas. On the other hand, I was just sad and lonely. It probably didn't help that I wasn't the invisible lonely kid. I was the punching bag, and I was in desperate need of a friend.

Somehow I transitioned from that to an overly-involved, constantly-surrounded-by-someone people person. At home there are always people to see. At school there are always classes, meetings, and work to get to. Then there's time spent talking to people I don't see nearly enough of. Once all that's done, I get to see my roommates a bit... and I swear I see them far less than when I didn't live with them. I don't spend enough time on homework because I'm always busy, and when I finally do get a moment alone, I use the time to think, get applications done, research (not for school though; I research my options in life or my general wonderings about the world).

I am now desperately in need of some 'me' time. I need to go for longer runs, start taking walks again, watch tv (stuff I actually want to watch), and read for fun. I need time when I'm not stressing over whether or not something should run in the Cardinal or what kind of poster I should make for the next SAC event. I need a chance to put some real time into my readings for class and really delve into the stuff I actually find fascinating. I need to figure out what I want in life. I already know I need to go with the flow (it's been working for me so far, even when I've tried to plan), but I don't even know what my priorities are. A soon-to-be college graduate should have some idea of what her priorities are. I need to be comfortable and confident with who I am as a person. I am to quite a big extent, but I need to understand it all better. I need to fully trust myself.

I think part of my trouble with trusting people is that I don't fully trust myself. How can I trust someone if I think he/she can change who I am as a person. Not just change my life or affect my decisions, but completely change my very essence. I need to trust that I'm still me, even if someone dissappoints me or breaks my heart.

Now that I'm not going bowling tomorrow night, I think I need to devote it to finally getting caught up from when I was sick and to finishing up applications. I am going to stay on top of things for my last few weeks of college, and I am going to take advantage of any free time I can salvage.