The dreadful scholarship applications

Ok, so, my first entry was cheesy AND it didn't really make a lot of sense. Now that I've crossed that hurdle of starting and worrying about it being perfect (and then making it sound stupid instead), I can start blogging.

I am still sharing thoughts. They're just going to sound like boring, average college student thoughts. But it's ok, because nobody reads this. Nobody even knows it exists. (So why did I feel the need to write that I know how lame the first entry was?)

Anyway. I was so excited last year when I finished my last college application. I applied to 6. I was going to apply to a few more but convinced my dad that that was unnecessay. I was accepted to all of them, and I'm a good student, so that wasn't the worry. My dad figured I'd get more scholarship money if I had more schools going after me. Seriously though, after filling out 6 applications, writing essays, having transcripts sent, and asking for letters of recommendation... I was tired of it. I couldn't even reuse essays! Every school has its own specific question for you to answer. I could take certain sentences or paragraphs from other essays, but that was almost more work than just writing the whole thing out.

Okay so back to my point. I was so happy to be done with that last application. I felt so free! Until my dad had me start on my scholarship applications. There is no end to torture like that. There are so many scholarships out there, and each application takes time and patience.... and a lot of nagging from my dad. Every few hours he would ask me if I'd finished such-and-such application or he'd ask how many applications I'd gotten done that day. The worst was when I watched tv or went on the computer. I would spend my day at school, work, come home to do homework, and then I was expected to plunge right into the scholarship applications. It was beyond frustrating. If I thought I was excited to finish my college applications, the day my dad let me be done with scholarship applications was like a mix of Christmas, New Years, and my birthday.

One major problem with scholarships is that many are not renewable. Most of the ones that are require a new application the next year. So, now that it is almost February, I'm back to the applications. My dad isn't here to nag me, but the first thing he says to me when we talk is always "how many have you applied for?" Apparently he bugs my mom about it now, so I told her to tell him I've gotten 2 done (which I have). I'm expected to apply for 10 this year.

That's 10 scholarship applications, plus 5 classes, 7 extra-curricular activities, one newsletter back home I write for, a social life, and sleep. I get a whole week off of school starting a week from tomorrow, and since I can't work then I'm sure that will be a major application time. Joy.

Of course, I am still going to make time for blogging and facebooking and enjoying myself. You're only a freshman in college once ;)

sharing

So, I created this blog last week, but I haven't written a thing in it yet. I always get really excited for new projects like this, but at the same time I can't help but hesitate. I'm such a perfectionist that I tell myself it has to be perfect to be worth it. Sometimes that mentality does me a lot of good. Other times it's a little bit ridiculous.

Postponing my first entry in a blog nobody even knows about until I have the perfect thing to write about is ridiculous.

I love to write, but there are many times when I just don't have anything to write about. I always manage to have something to babble about on my livejournal, and I always seem to have something to say when I'm with my friends or family, but sometimes I just wish I had something of more substance to write about. Sometimes I just wish I could organize my thoughts better so that when I do have something worth saying it would come across as worthwhile. Unfortunately, when you're an 18 year old in your first year of college, the whole 'organized thoughts' idea doesn't really seem to work out all that often.

I'm not saying that I'm some confused kid who doesn't know what I'm talking about. I definitely have valid ideas. The problem is with my more complex thoughts. Thoughts about the world and how it works, or about the meaning of family or importance of friends. Sometimes I feel like I've decided on something completely worth sharing with the world....but it just doesn't come out quite right.

I have this strong desire to make a difference with my words. I hear these great speakers and read these great novels and it seems so easy. Just sit down at your somputer or stand up with a microphone and inspire the world. No sweat. It's not so easy. But I guess that's what makes it so beautiful. What would be the unique value of such individuals if everyone else could accomplish the same feat?

I am only one person. One student. One daughter. I listen, I read, and I think. I don't have any great revelations about the meaning of life. I don't have any brilliant solutions for how to make the world a better place. All I have are my thoughts, jumbled and disorderly.....and this blog. So I'm not going to try to inspire anyone. I'm not going to consciously try to make an impact.

One important lesson I learned way back in preschool is that it's important to share. Sharing can make someone else happy. Sharing can bring us together. Sharing can, although it doesn't always, make a difference. So I'm going to share my most valued possession- my thoughts.