9 months later, I finally see the "big picture"

I've been watching my roommate's DVDs of "One Tree Hill" (I just finished the 4th season and am all caught up!), and it has me thinking a lot about high school. High school is like it's very own little world. I always thought so while I was there, but I believe it even more almost 9 months after graduating. Everyone is so self-absorbed in high school. You need to figure out who you are and where you fit in. You need to pick the right friends and win the right arguments. You need to find your passions and work hard at your activities. You have to decide on your future, but you don't really think about it until the deadline comes up...and once you've decided on a college you stop worrying about it again. Everyone focuses on having fun and being with other people. Some worry about school-work, but most are content with just getting by. We have our whole lives to work hard, right?

Your parents take care of your money, food, the clothes you need (as opposed to the clothes you want and buy yourself), laundry, and making sure that you are happy and healthy. Your biggest responsibilities are to your friends. Life revolves around friends, sports events, dances, the mall, and going out every weekend just to take advantage of some freedom.

Of course, high school isn't completely shallow and carefree. You learn some important lessons. You learn loyalty and trust. You start to learn to be accountable for your actions, and you learn the power of your words. You learn how to be a part of a group.

For most of high school, you don't worry about saving money. You don't think about the importance of the education you are receiving. If you work hard for your grades, it is for the selfish satisfaction of being recognized for being the best...for being the smartest. It is to build an identity for yourself. You don't consider chores a top priority and assume they can wait. You may not even consider your family to be the top priority. You work hard to keep your friends happy, but deep deep down you know that it is more for your own social safety than for their well-being.

Obviously, some of your friends are exceptions. Some of your friends' feelings really do matter to you more than your own. Some of your friends will be with you forever, and you will do absolutely anything for them. That's where you really learn to be a good, honest, reliable person.

You find your clique, but you keep a close eye on other cliques. You experiment with your style. You endure heartbreaks and you learn to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. You learn to look for the lessons in everything you do or endure.

I think the biggest thing about high school that makes it so unique is the extent to which you learn through the mistakes of others. High schools are generally fairly tight-knit communities, and with all the lessons I've already mentioned, hormones, different backgrounds, and everyone's need to be noticed and respected, there is a huge variety of mistakes being made for everyone else to see or hear about. Everyone is watching everyone else.

There is so much drama in high school. So many different forces come together, and it can get really overwhelming. And yet, by the end, leaving it all is one of the scariest and saddest things you can imagine. It may be brutal at times, and it may leave you mentally exhausted, but it's familiar. It's safe. There are unspoken rules and you can at least define yourself enough to know more or less who you are (even if you believe there's more to it or want to change it).

My high school years were amazing. I didn't want to leave. I had a terrific group of friends that I could trust, teammates that I could always count on, and by senior year I felt comfortable with who I was while still feeling free to explore new activities and hobbies. Although I was excited for graduation and the milestone it marked in my life, I was sad to think that I would have to start all over with my life right after I had finally gotten used to it.

I didn't have to start all over. Everything I learned at STA is still with me. Each time I look back on those 4 years they feel farther and farther away, but they're still there, clear as a bell. I can still tell you exactly how I felt during my first big fight with Steph. I can clearly picture each of my favorite plays on the volleyball court. I remember the shivers that raced up my spine when I found out Courtney wasn't going to be able to play her senior season of volleyball. I remember the panic I felt after failing my first test. I remember how proud I was to bring up my Algebra II grade to an A-, even if it broke my 4.0. I remember the shock and hurt I felt when a close friend of mine attacked me in class. I remember how guilty I felt when I hurt a friend with my careless words to someone else. I remember how desperate I felt to find a way to make a friend of mine feel better after someone else hurt her. I remember the inside jokes we had at Applebee's every Friday night. I remember the fear and excitement of tp'ing on homecoming night. I remember the shame I felt when I realized I would have to drop my Physics class because I couldn't handle it. I remember how heavy my chest felt and how hot my tears were after the St. Agnes game, when I realized I had let my team down by not playing well or being a good enough leader. I remember how disappointed I was in myself the next day at practice when my coach pulled me aside to convey her disappointment. I remember the day I first got overwhelmed by my combination of schoolwork, activities, and intense feelings and how Steph was there for me as I cried at my locker. I remember how bad my temper got as I tried to learn to deal with my stress...when I stormed away from my (open) locker and when I threw papers into someone else's locker and stormed away...I remember how at those moments I had so many thoughts racing through my head that I couldn't even pick one to focus on. I remember the final round of the Canon Falls speech meet senior year when I blanked and had to remain composed as I waited for the words to come to me. I remember how unfair it felt to only take 3rd at state, but I also remember how rewarding it felt to see my scores...and I remember how deeply I appreciated my third round critique...how it made all of my hard work over 4 years completely worthwhile.

I remember random moments in the hall...laughing and hugging and talking about anything from what stupid thing a classmate said the previous hour to how worried we were about a sick family member or how our feelings and emotions were getting in the way of making it through the week. I remember having AP Psych with all of my closest friends last semester and how much I looked forward to that class each day. I remember how I annoyed I got with my parents for making such a big deal about chores that didn't seem important to me. I remember lunch-time conversations and feeling so exhausted that I literally had to struggle with each hour of class, even if it was one I actually enjoyed.

I don't really sit and dwell on high school anymore. I used to a lot. I hated it here and just wanted things back the way they were. I didn't want to give SMU a chance, and I didn't believe that college could be half as fun as high school was.

I love that adults really seem to value my opinion now. I feel like I can even trust myself more to really think something through and be objective. I love that I'm free to be myself as much as I want. I can join as many activities as I want and be as enthusiastic and involved as I want and I don't need to be labeled as a goody-good or nerd. I love how everything I do and learn really seems to have a point. I love that I don't constantly feel like I'm competing for attention and glory. I love feeling independent and really feeling like I'm capable of handling the small amount of independence I have now. I feel less afraid of being on my own. I feel confident in my abilities and finally realize that I can handle being a journalist. I love being away from the drama and pressure of figuring out who I am. I've realized that who I am is going to constantly change with my experiences. I've also learned that people are too complex to be able to describe their identity in a small amount of words.

High school was an isolated mini-version of the world. Everything is amplified and condensed and it's hard to see the big picture over everything that happens.

Now I can look back at that whole experience and see the big picture. Now I know why bad things happened like they did and why everything seemed so difficult.

And now I can use it all as I move on. I loved high school, but I don't think I'd want to go back. I'm glad I learned what I did, but I don't want to keep learning that way. I'm finally ready to see the rest of the world and not just my own world.

I'm finally ready to live in reality.

lessons to learn this week...

There are some things I really need to learn already. One of those things is NOT PROCRASTINATING! I had a whole week off of school and had plans to catch up and maybe work ahead, plus get some scholarship applications done. I go back tomorrow and I have done maybe 10% of what I planned to get done, and I didn't apply for any scholarships. I have everything done for Monday, which is good. For Tuesday I have to read 10 chapters (they're pretty short, like 4 pages) for a test in Current Science Issues, read 40 pages of Cien Anos de Soledad (don't know how to make Spanish accents on here), and write a 4 page paper- in Spanish- on the same novel. I also need to read a packet about Wal Mart (gag me) and determine the company's strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats for a management project... but I don't know when my group is meeting.

Once I get caught up on all of that I think I need to work on time management. I need to keep caught up in all of my classes along with my 5 clubs, the school newspaper (2 articles due this month!), the Polish-American newsletter back home I write for every now and then, intramural volleyball, volleyball captains' practices for the school team (I'm trying out again next year), working out, eating, and sleeping. A social life might be nice too ;).

I've been trying to learn these lessons for years....so hopefully I can finally master them within the next week?

make new friends, but keep the old

One of the scariest things about graduation was the thought of being apart from my friends. We got to be so close...especially during senior year, and I feel like I've known them forever. I couldn't imagine my life without them, and I was worried about keeping in touch.

It's been 8 months since graduation, and a little over 5 months since we all went our separate ways for college. I've gone weeks without even texting my best friend, and I've gone even longer without talking to the others. I instant messaged one of them today and realized how far apart we all really are. I realized how hard it's gotten to keep in touch. Jenny never really gets to go home because she's playing DI basketball, and although I'm so proud of her and happy for her, I really miss seeing her. I've seen her twice since coming to school, and I'll be lucky if I see her at all Easter weekend. The worst thing is that she doesn't even get much of a summer vacation because of basketball. I talk to Bre every 3 or 4 weeks, and I've seen her a few times...but that's still not nearly enough.

Being away from Steph is the worst. We used to talk every single day. We saw each other at school, sometimes at work, when we hung out, and we'd talk on the phone almost every night for hours. Now we text each other once every week or so. If we're lucky we talk on the phone, but there are many more times when we miss each other or are too busy to talk for long. I see her the most when I'm home, since she goes to St. Thomas, but that's still sooo much less than how much I saw her a year ago.

I didn't think it would be this easy to fall apart. I've barely even talked to my other friends. A facebook comment here, a random text there... I thought we'd write to each other more or call more. The hardest part is realizing that I could just as easily call or write to one of them as they could me. I've managed to find so many things to occupy myself with here that sometimes I forget to consider those options. When I do think of it I realize something else that needs to be done instead.

I love it here at SMU, and I love all the people I've met and the friends I've made. I love being in college and feeling independent and confident. I love really feeling like it's okay to think for myself and do what I want to do. As much as I loved high school, I think I love college ten times more.

But I miss my friends back home. I miss having classes with them and goofing off together. I miss going to games together and assuming that Friday night at 9pm we'd all be at Applebees. I miss taking advantage of our last year.

A friend of mine once told me that the worst part of college is that you're always missing someone. At home you miss your friends from school, and at school you miss your friends and family back home. I definitely agree.

I now have a new fear. I've changed a lot in the last 6 months, and none of those friends have been here as that's happened. I'm sure they've all changed just as much. I'm afraid we won't have as much in common when we see each other again over breaks and over the summer. I'm so afraid that we're going to lose some of our connection...that we're not going to be as close anymore.

I guess I just have to trust our friendship. I have to believe that when we said we'd be friends forever, no matter what, we really meant it.