Monday, April 27, 2009

self-portrait

I love it when life makes connections for you. If you're doing a lot of personal reflection and thinking about your identity, your art teacher will assign a self-portrait. If you're thinking about some sort of long-term volunteering, they sing the St. Francis of Assisi prayer song at church.

I think I actually groaned when Professor McColl said we were doing a self-portrait project, but it's actually turning out to be my favorite thing we've done so far. I'm even happy with how I drew it... including my ear and nose. I really like dividing the entire thing into 1-inch squares and really focusing on each one. I like using magazines for some of the squares and finding things that either match practically or metaphorically. I like really analyzing this different side of myself. I've been analyzing my personality, motivations, goals, and character. I've analyzed my appearance. I've never really analyzed my face this way. I've never focused on the shapes and lines and how unique and complex they are while somehow still being simple. It's a fun project.

I love when I go through little spurts of time where it seems like I'm doing nothing but noting my personal growth. It feels really good to realize that I've gotten even more confident and that I really am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. It feels great to push myself and realize that in just over a year, I have gone from struggling to get through 1 mile on a level surface to making it through 7 miles, mostly against the wind and at least halfway uphill. There's such a great sense of accomplishment there. It's amazing to see how much more self control I have, and it's reassuring to see how level-headed I can be. Situations that would mean definite and immediate drama not too long ago are totally manageable, albeit a little frustrating, now. I love that I no longer feel the need to validate my worth. I don't need to worry about making others like me. I don't need to change to what others want. I just needed to realize who I wanted to be, become that person, and find that as long as I'm happy with that, that's all that matters.

For once in my life, I feel totally in control, and all it took was giving up some control. I'm learning from my mistakes and having so much fun. I can't believe I was ever apprehensive about college. I wouldn't trade this time for anything else in the world.

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