It's only the 3rd day of summer vacation, but I already want to go back to SMU. I miss it so much! I don't know how I'm going to make it through graduation next year... it's going to be tough.
I graduate exactly one year from today. That's insane.
I've been really nervous lately about not having a plan. I know it's good that I'm kind of going with the flow, but it's still been worrying me. I've always had some sort of plan. I've always had some answer ready for the inevitable "what's next?" questions from family, friends of the family, and friends of my parents ("Hi, nice to meet you. What are you doing after graduation?"). It's been a little awkward lately hadling those with a simple "I'm not exactly sure yet," but at least it's honest.
I really do like not having a plan. As nervous as I am, I'm at least not stressing over having made the wrong decision or having my life mapped out for me. I don't have to make decisions based on what I want the end result to be. I can make decisions that are right for me and wait to see what the end result will be. It feels like my life has more purpose when every action and decision matters. I feel much more free knowing that I still have options in life. I think I'll be more likely to find something I really enjoy this way. Let's face it- I'm not all that motivated by money. I've grown up learning that I have to be perfect and work hard to someday make a lot of money and be happy. I've now learned that the world won't end if I make some mistakes, and money won't make me happy. I can stop thinking about the things I'm better than everyone at and start thinking about things I care about most. There's a lot I can do out there, and I like the idea of exploring all those options.
I might be graduating in a year, but that doesn't mean I only have one year to plan out my life. Life really isn't something to be tamed and trained to your own standards anyway. Life happens, and you're only going to be disappointed if you don't learn to roll with the punches. It's big and messy and inconsistent out there, and I'd be very naive to think I could figure it all out before I really get out there and become a part of it. (Really, that would only be saying I'm not already a part of it.)
People get so caught up in the idea that we only get one life and we have to live it right. They make lists and plans and goals and work tirelessly to achieve their dreams. The problem is that if they fail to do what they set out to do, they decide they failed at life. If you ask me, you don't need to reach your goals to succeed at life. You don't need to make a lot of money or find the so-called person of your dreams. You don't have to be the strongest or bravest or most powerful. You don't have to be the most famous or most popular. How sucky would it be if only the people who reach the top of our own conceived success "ladders" were considered to have lived good, fulfilling lives? Why do we need those things to be happy?
Why even qualify happiness? 'If I get that promotion, I'll be happy.' 'If I graduate with a 4.0 GPA, I'll be happy.' 'If I marry a doctor, I'll be happy.' Why can't you just be happy? 'I'm happy.' It's that simple. Why do you have to be unhappy if something doesn't go your way? Why do you have to be unhappy if you run into an obstacle? Why can't you be happy in spite of those things? Why can't you be happy and find success? 'I'm happy, and I got a promotion.'
Being happy with life isn't about what you do with your life. It's all about attitude.
Now I just need to remember that as I go through my last summer as a student, my last year of college, and life after graduation..
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