"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

I haven't been doing a very good job of following my favorite quote. I've been so worried about finding what I'm supposed to do in life that I've forgotten that I can do almost anything I want to. It's not bad that I don't have a specific plan. It means I have options. It means I can really take the opportunity to do some long term volunteering and/or traveling before figuring out my career. I have the perfect chance to do some exploring and find some brand new experiences for myself. I have time to figure out how to live on my own and deal with problems before I have too much to focus on all at once.

Graduating college is like kicking off the training wheels on a bike. You hit the same bumps and obstacles, but you need to learn to adjust quicker and balance better. I think this year I'm going to focus less on the final destination and more on just learning how to ride.

I have a lot to say. Not specifically right here, right now, but in general. I'm constantly distracted by thoughts and ideas, and I tend to share the majority of those with anyone around me. It's not a secret that I'm talkative. I know that people really respect those people who speak little but say a lot, but I'm just not one of those people. I ramble and babble and get off topic on a regular basis. I have real things to say, things of worth, but I don't trust those ideas with just anyone. You gain my trust by listening to me, and in the end you get the real me. Sometimes you have to read between the lines, but I really do usually have a point. There's a lot I don't share directly, but I know that the people who have taken the time to understand me will know when I'm hurting or in trouble. Those are the people who can distinguish between my regular random moments, happy-go-lucky tendencies and when I am truly and overwhelmingly happy.

My words and thoughts are very important to me. I don't trust them with just anyone. I can have a good, real conversation, but I will only really and completely open up if I believe I will be taken seriously and won't be judged for feeling a certain way.

The most hurtful thing anyone could do to me is to tell me not to say something. I despise being shushed, I hate being interrupted, and I take offense to being told I can't express myself. I don't really worry about what others think of me. Believe it or not, I do think before I speak. I know words have power, but I also know that some words are just space fillers. I'm also learning more and more that words have only as much power as your audience gives them. (My words aren't very powerful in this sense, but they're still my treasure.)

I'm getting really sick of not being heard. I think somewhere along the line I stopped trusting others to listen and started saying everything. I think I somehow thought that the more I said, the more likely it was for someone to hear- really hear- my most important thoughts.

I think I started writing because I lost my voice. A notebook or journal or computer screen can't ignore you, roll its eyes at you, laugh at you or interrupt you. You're free to work through your thoughts until you find what you really mean. You can babble and ramble and change topics as much as it takes while you sort through the millions of thoughts bombarding your mind.

I really think I'm starting to lose my trust in people. I find myself wanting to be alone with my thoughts more often, because at least I care about what I'm thinking. I like to run because I don't need to worry about pressure or competition from anyone but myself (for the most part). I blog because it's the only way I can sort through my head. I prefer to eat alone because I don't trust people not to say hurtful things. I like to shop alone because I don't trust others to let me be who I am. I feel like I'm slowly closing myself off. I say less of what I'm thinking and more of what I see and what's going on around me. I've all but stopped leaving clues to what I really want to say. I just don't trust people as deeply as I used to.

I feel like people don't respect me. Even when I feel I've earned their respect, they still seem to look down on me. I'm sick of being a doormat, but I'm not a fan of confrontation. When I do try to stand up for myself, I'm belittled even more, and I feel so inferior to everyone that it just makes me angry again.

I used to feel so in control. I was in control of my thoughts, words and actions. Now I feel like I've lost that control. I can't even sort through my own thoughts and emotions. I feel stuck and smothered, and I can't even figure out what I want or need or think anymore.



I should not be allowed to blog at 2 in the morning..

I've always had a plan. I've always had some kind of answer to any question I found myself asking. That's why it's so hard for me to be okay with not knowing what I'll be doing after graduating in 10 months. I've learned to really like going with the flow and just living life without being too preoccupied with set plans and rigid goals, but I feel like I've lost all of my motivation. I used to consider myself an ambitious and competitive person above all. I used to worry about money and prestige and power. Now I just want to know that I'll be able to do something that actually means something. I want to be sure that I have a reason to go to work every day. I want to know that I won't get bored within a month. I don't want my job to get in the way of my life and family. I want to be a soccer mom. I want to be active in my kids' lives, and I want to have energy for life when I get home from work. I also don't want work to be something to pass the time and earn money. I want to believe in what I'm doing.

I know what I want in life, to a certain extent (and I don't need to know any more about that just yet), but I don't have the slightest idea what I want to DO. I know who I want to be, but I don't know what I want to be.