If it weren't 1 in the morning, I would totally go for a run. Especially because it's raining. The lightning wouldn't be too cool though...

Today I learned not to drink coffee after lunch. Especially on a Tuesday. It made me all edgy and high-strung for dance. Instead of having a caffeine crash, which I was anticipating, it all turned into angry energy the minute something pissed me off. And a lot pissed me off today. I'm really not going to go into all that now though, because I've already bitched about most of it to about 4 people and I'm so sick of it all. (Besides, it would take forever, and I do have to work tomorrow.)

I am so sick of not having a voice. I'm 19 years old and would really like to be respected. I don't think it's all that much to ask for. I'm not even asking for respect based on my age (the point there is that I'm old enough to have a valid opinion). I have a lot of respect for other people and their opinions. Very rarely do I interrupt someone or blow off what he or she has to say. I don't argue very much, and I generally tried to avoid confrontation in general. I allow people to have their say and respect that they might not agree with me. So why can't anyone treat me that way? And why do I let them? Why am I still the doormat for everyone to walk all over when I know that what I have to say has value? I have a lot of confidence in my ideas, so why don't I defend them? Okay, I suppose that's a different topic, but it is something I need to consider. But really, nobody ever seems to care about anything I have to say. They blow me off as the pointlessly chatty little kid I once was (and, okay, still sometimes am) and neglect to consider that I might have something real to say. Even if they don't agree with it...all I want is for someone to listen! Nobody ever seems to want to listen anymore.

It's harder to confide in people too. For all the pride I take in my ability to trust others and open up to them, I'm finding it increasingly harder to really tell anyone what I'm really thinking or feeling. It feels like so much of an effort sometimes when the person is upset by something said. Or sometimes people don't seem to care all that much. And I get such contradictory suggestions or complaints from people. If I talk about my problems, I'm complaining too much. If I have nothing new to talk about, I'm a bad friend who doesn't want to share. If I have good news, I'm bragging. If I try to talk about real stuff, I'm being too serious or nerdy. If I try to goof off and have fun, I'm "blonde" or cheesy or worthy of intense eye-rolls. Nothing ever seems to be right. I always seem to fall short. And I still don't feel like I have anyone I can really confide in. I suppose that's because there's nobody that's really involved in every aspect of my life. I depend on different people depending on what I need to talk about. But that's just tiring.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow (today?). It's not that I mind work.... I just don't want to go to bed now, which I know will translate into some major fatigue tomorrow. I should just sleep.

On a different note: my ankle is killing me. It's still been bugging me (after a month and a half), and it's been swollen and sore, but right now it hurts. I tweaked it at dance tonight and almost wanted to cry it hurt so bad. So that made me even more grumpy, which really didn't help matters. Rehearsal really sucked tonight. Dance used to be fun. It's amazing I still think it's worth it! (It is, isn't it?)