Sometimes I feel like I don't really have anyone to confide in. I know it's not true...I'm actually very lucky and have many people I could confide in. I just have a hard time talking to people about things that are bothering me or things that I think about. I keep so much to myself, and I feel like I don't have a sufficient outlet for my thoughts. I have my blogs, yes, but that's really not the same. It's really no different than thinking all of this and leaving those thoughts in my head. Besides, there are a lot of things I think about that I don't write about.

I just have trouble trusting people with things that really matter to me. I've been teased and ridiculed my whole life, and although a lot of that has been in fun and has been good-natured, it still keeps me from sharing what I really think. If people make fun of me for something that is maybe just a little bit important to me at the most, what are they going to say when I start sharing opinions and ideas that mean a lot to me? I don't think there's anyone I can trust to really listen to me and not feel like I'm being judged in any way. My family doesn't take me seriously (and neither do some of my friends), and friends are so quick to judge...even if they don't realize it. I always feel like I have to be so careful about what I say, and I could really use a friend that I know will take me seriously and value my thoughts and opinions. I need someone who can give me a break from all the teasing that "shows me that my family and friends love me." I need someone I can have real conversations with about anything and everything. I need to maybe meet someone who didn't know me in middle school or high school...or even a couple months ago...someone who can't judge me based on how i used to react to things or based on what i used to talk and think about. But I need this person to become a close, trustworthy friend almost right away so they don't end up judging me based on how I act before I trust someone enough to be myself. Maybe I just need to learn to trust people sooner. There aren't many people I feel comfortable being myself around.

I feel like this really great, happy, open version of me is trapped inside where only I can see it. Meanwhile, everyone else gets the extremist version of me. I'm either extremely happy and hyper or extremely frustrated and angry. I just don't know how to get the better, more positive version of me to shine through. I don't know how to let go of my insecurities and forget about what other people think. It's hard to do when people are constantly taunting and teasing you. It's hard when people won't take you seriously and act like you're the little kid you haven't been in a long time. It's hard when people keep reminding you about all the things you've ever done wrong, leaving you to believe that you may never escape this outward version of yourself.

I have no outlet. I don't write poetry anymore. People take it too literally and don't pay the right attention to it. Besides, it takes too much time. I don't draw or paint or sculpt. I don't sing or play an instrument. I don't have the patience to write about feelings any more extensively than I do on my blogs. I don't know how else to deal with this complete contradiction between who i am and who i appear to be. I have no way to talk about things that I think about constantly. I shy away from telling people what's bothering me because I'm afraid it'll look like I'm starving for attention or because I don't believe I'll be taken seriously. It's incredibly frustrating.

Sometimes I just feel trapped and alone in spite of my happiness and the support I get from my friends and family.