What do you stay awake for?

I've always loved Caribou's little saying, "Life is short, stay awake for it." Today when I went to get coffee, I saw they had a post-it pad that had, "What do you stay awake for?" on each sheet. They had markers out, and people had written in what they stay awake for and posted their sheets around the counter. I wasn't sure what I stay awake for, besides life in general. It really got me thinking though.

A lot of people listed people in their lives, specifically kids and spouses. I suppose I could say my family and friends. Some people put happy-go-lucky things like sunshine and life. I could say that... but I think people think I'm too cynical to believe that. I could say adventure, but apparently I don't strike some people as the adventurous type. I could say my future students, but I'd feel like a fraud since I don't think people understand yet how excited I am to be a teacher (and how long I've actually had it in mind). I could say running, but I almost never run in the mornings. I could say my activities, but they're not really what I look forward to the most anymore. I guess my family and friends really would be my answer. They're the most important to me, and they're always my priority.

I like that the new Caribou cups come with little sayings all over them. A few of them:

• laugh so hard you cry
• make time for silly
• eat when you are hungry, nap when you are tired
• make today special
• compliment a stranger
• do it for love, not profit
• grow older without ever growing up
• thank a teacher
• continue more conversations offline
• listen 1st, talk 2nd
• learn to dance a jig
• start right now
• take all your vacation days
• dance to your own rhythm
• be a hero minus the dorky cape
• smile first, ask questions later
• follow your heart

Okay, so that was all but maybe 3 from this cup. There are just a few that don't really apply to me.

:)

"Silence is essential for thought."

I may be a very social person, but I am definitely lacking in alone time. I think I just need a little breathing space. I've spent too many years overcompensating for the time in my life when I got too much alone time.

I was a very lonely kid. On the one hand, my imagination was allowed to roam wild without the hassels of explaining ideas or following someone else's ideas. On the other hand, I was just sad and lonely. It probably didn't help that I wasn't the invisible lonely kid. I was the punching bag, and I was in desperate need of a friend.

Somehow I transitioned from that to an overly-involved, constantly-surrounded-by-someone people person. At home there are always people to see. At school there are always classes, meetings, and work to get to. Then there's time spent talking to people I don't see nearly enough of. Once all that's done, I get to see my roommates a bit... and I swear I see them far less than when I didn't live with them. I don't spend enough time on homework because I'm always busy, and when I finally do get a moment alone, I use the time to think, get applications done, research (not for school though; I research my options in life or my general wonderings about the world).

I am now desperately in need of some 'me' time. I need to go for longer runs, start taking walks again, watch tv (stuff I actually want to watch), and read for fun. I need time when I'm not stressing over whether or not something should run in the Cardinal or what kind of poster I should make for the next SAC event. I need a chance to put some real time into my readings for class and really delve into the stuff I actually find fascinating. I need to figure out what I want in life. I already know I need to go with the flow (it's been working for me so far, even when I've tried to plan), but I don't even know what my priorities are. A soon-to-be college graduate should have some idea of what her priorities are. I need to be comfortable and confident with who I am as a person. I am to quite a big extent, but I need to understand it all better. I need to fully trust myself.

I think part of my trouble with trusting people is that I don't fully trust myself. How can I trust someone if I think he/she can change who I am as a person. Not just change my life or affect my decisions, but completely change my very essence. I need to trust that I'm still me, even if someone dissappoints me or breaks my heart.

Now that I'm not going bowling tomorrow night, I think I need to devote it to finally getting caught up from when I was sick and to finishing up applications. I am going to stay on top of things for my last few weeks of college, and I am going to take advantage of any free time I can salvage.

To volunteer, or not to volunteer... ?

I am 100% sure that I am going to be a high school English teacher. I realize now that it's the only thing that really makes sense. Sure, there are other things I can still do, but nothing else would capture all my talents and passions quite like teaching would. It's my calling; I'm sure of it.

So the long term plan is figured out. I also know I want to do my MA in Instruction at Saint Mary's. I know I want to do it in Winona rather than in the Twin Cities too.

What I don't know yet is whether or not to volunteer first.

I had it all figured out. I was going to volunteer for a year, then get my Master's, and then teach. Now I'm not so sure. I've been going back and forth about long-term volunteering for two years now, and that uncertainty alone makes me feel uneasy about the committment.

I love volunteering, and I would love to go back to the Gulf Coast after my experience in Biloxi freshman year. I love the idea of helping people and focusing completely on service, and I feel... well, I feel like I'm the "type" of person that would do it. I also wonder if I will regret not doing it if I choose to go right to grad school.

I don't like having a 24/7 schedule for my life, and I worry a lot about living in community. I definitely need my own space, and I need to be able to dictate my life at least a little bit. Living in community might teach me to give up some control and to be more open to others, but I really fear that it will keep me from putting my whole heart into the experience. I don't like the idea of only being home for Christmas and Easter (especially if it will be at my own expense). I hate the idea of being away from my family and potentially not having a lot of time to talk to them. I don't like that I would miss out on dancing with my group in Poland next summer, but I feel like that might sound like a stupid reason to be apprehensive (even though my dance group is like my family... and a good chunk actually is my family... and I have been looking forward to this since I was 10).

I almost wonder if I was only considering volunteering so strongly to get me thinking in a way that would lead me to realize I need to be a teacher. Besides, as a teacher I could volunteer for a few weeks over the summer (a la Volunteer Services/S.O.U.L. trip)... I feel like I would be more comfortable with that kind of committment. I also wonder if I am just getting too excited about teaching and am therefore looking for reasons to not volunteer. I really don't think that's it though.

I'm really not sure about long-term volunteering anymore. I've never been 100% sure. It's been one of those things I get excited about and then get bored with (like every other potential career I considered before acknowledging how much I want to be a teacher). I feel bad though. I feel like the very fact that I ever considered long-term volunteering means that I have to... like I'll be a bad person now if I don't. Well, maybe not a bad person, but I guess I'd feel selfish? I don't know...

Either way, I'm running out of time to figure it out.

www.freerice.com

The Plan

I think I've figured it out. I know what I want to do with my life, more or less. There's still room for flexibility, which is good, but I definitely know where I'm going now. I've never felt so sure before. My parents might not be super happy, but I'd rather make a difference than make money. Anyway, I'm not going to go publicizing it where they can come across it until I've talked to them about it. (I've had issues with that and this very blog before.)

I can say that as long as I get all appropriate applications filled out, I may just have the next year figured out. I'll work at Nacel for at least the first couple of months (especially since I have the marathon May 30), and then I'm pretty sure I want to go to Poland for those language classes... That means I need to get on those applications and scholarships ASAP (if only I had time for ASAP!). Then I want to volunteer for a year. I'm working on a few leads. I'm open to pretty much anywhere and anything, but I would definitely prefer to go to Mississippi where I can help with hurricane relief. There are other options that might work out better with what I have planned for after that.

Whatever. Let it be. :)

Why is it that while I'm running my thoughts can be clear and organized, but the minute I stop they jumble right back together before I have a chance to talk or write about them and remember what I figured out while running?

I have a problem with not wanting to sleep at night, even if I'm very tired and know it will negatively affect my efficiency the next day. It's the only time I have to myself to just think. Well, besides while I'm running. I'd rather put off the next jam-packed day. I can't wait to be done with all the classes and meetings. I might still be busy after graduation, but I feel like it won't be so random and won't be the same kind of busy.

Tonight's excuse though is watching the re-run of the Olympic Closing Ceremony since I missed it the first time. :)