"Silence is essential for thought."

I may be a very social person, but I am definitely lacking in alone time. I think I just need a little breathing space. I've spent too many years overcompensating for the time in my life when I got too much alone time.

I was a very lonely kid. On the one hand, my imagination was allowed to roam wild without the hassels of explaining ideas or following someone else's ideas. On the other hand, I was just sad and lonely. It probably didn't help that I wasn't the invisible lonely kid. I was the punching bag, and I was in desperate need of a friend.

Somehow I transitioned from that to an overly-involved, constantly-surrounded-by-someone people person. At home there are always people to see. At school there are always classes, meetings, and work to get to. Then there's time spent talking to people I don't see nearly enough of. Once all that's done, I get to see my roommates a bit... and I swear I see them far less than when I didn't live with them. I don't spend enough time on homework because I'm always busy, and when I finally do get a moment alone, I use the time to think, get applications done, research (not for school though; I research my options in life or my general wonderings about the world).

I am now desperately in need of some 'me' time. I need to go for longer runs, start taking walks again, watch tv (stuff I actually want to watch), and read for fun. I need time when I'm not stressing over whether or not something should run in the Cardinal or what kind of poster I should make for the next SAC event. I need a chance to put some real time into my readings for class and really delve into the stuff I actually find fascinating. I need to figure out what I want in life. I already know I need to go with the flow (it's been working for me so far, even when I've tried to plan), but I don't even know what my priorities are. A soon-to-be college graduate should have some idea of what her priorities are. I need to be comfortable and confident with who I am as a person. I am to quite a big extent, but I need to understand it all better. I need to fully trust myself.

I think part of my trouble with trusting people is that I don't fully trust myself. How can I trust someone if I think he/she can change who I am as a person. Not just change my life or affect my decisions, but completely change my very essence. I need to trust that I'm still me, even if someone dissappoints me or breaks my heart.

Now that I'm not going bowling tomorrow night, I think I need to devote it to finally getting caught up from when I was sick and to finishing up applications. I am going to stay on top of things for my last few weeks of college, and I am going to take advantage of any free time I can salvage.