"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

I haven't been doing a very good job of following my favorite quote. I've been so worried about finding what I'm supposed to do in life that I've forgotten that I can do almost anything I want to. It's not bad that I don't have a specific plan. It means I have options. It means I can really take the opportunity to do some long term volunteering and/or traveling before figuring out my career. I have the perfect chance to do some exploring and find some brand new experiences for myself. I have time to figure out how to live on my own and deal with problems before I have too much to focus on all at once.

Graduating college is like kicking off the training wheels on a bike. You hit the same bumps and obstacles, but you need to learn to adjust quicker and balance better. I think this year I'm going to focus less on the final destination and more on just learning how to ride.

I have a lot to say. Not specifically right here, right now, but in general. I'm constantly distracted by thoughts and ideas, and I tend to share the majority of those with anyone around me. It's not a secret that I'm talkative. I know that people really respect those people who speak little but say a lot, but I'm just not one of those people. I ramble and babble and get off topic on a regular basis. I have real things to say, things of worth, but I don't trust those ideas with just anyone. You gain my trust by listening to me, and in the end you get the real me. Sometimes you have to read between the lines, but I really do usually have a point. There's a lot I don't share directly, but I know that the people who have taken the time to understand me will know when I'm hurting or in trouble. Those are the people who can distinguish between my regular random moments, happy-go-lucky tendencies and when I am truly and overwhelmingly happy.

My words and thoughts are very important to me. I don't trust them with just anyone. I can have a good, real conversation, but I will only really and completely open up if I believe I will be taken seriously and won't be judged for feeling a certain way.

The most hurtful thing anyone could do to me is to tell me not to say something. I despise being shushed, I hate being interrupted, and I take offense to being told I can't express myself. I don't really worry about what others think of me. Believe it or not, I do think before I speak. I know words have power, but I also know that some words are just space fillers. I'm also learning more and more that words have only as much power as your audience gives them. (My words aren't very powerful in this sense, but they're still my treasure.)

I'm getting really sick of not being heard. I think somewhere along the line I stopped trusting others to listen and started saying everything. I think I somehow thought that the more I said, the more likely it was for someone to hear- really hear- my most important thoughts.

I think I started writing because I lost my voice. A notebook or journal or computer screen can't ignore you, roll its eyes at you, laugh at you or interrupt you. You're free to work through your thoughts until you find what you really mean. You can babble and ramble and change topics as much as it takes while you sort through the millions of thoughts bombarding your mind.

I really think I'm starting to lose my trust in people. I find myself wanting to be alone with my thoughts more often, because at least I care about what I'm thinking. I like to run because I don't need to worry about pressure or competition from anyone but myself (for the most part). I blog because it's the only way I can sort through my head. I prefer to eat alone because I don't trust people not to say hurtful things. I like to shop alone because I don't trust others to let me be who I am. I feel like I'm slowly closing myself off. I say less of what I'm thinking and more of what I see and what's going on around me. I've all but stopped leaving clues to what I really want to say. I just don't trust people as deeply as I used to.

I feel like people don't respect me. Even when I feel I've earned their respect, they still seem to look down on me. I'm sick of being a doormat, but I'm not a fan of confrontation. When I do try to stand up for myself, I'm belittled even more, and I feel so inferior to everyone that it just makes me angry again.

I used to feel so in control. I was in control of my thoughts, words and actions. Now I feel like I've lost that control. I can't even sort through my own thoughts and emotions. I feel stuck and smothered, and I can't even figure out what I want or need or think anymore.



I should not be allowed to blog at 2 in the morning..

I've always had a plan. I've always had some kind of answer to any question I found myself asking. That's why it's so hard for me to be okay with not knowing what I'll be doing after graduating in 10 months. I've learned to really like going with the flow and just living life without being too preoccupied with set plans and rigid goals, but I feel like I've lost all of my motivation. I used to consider myself an ambitious and competitive person above all. I used to worry about money and prestige and power. Now I just want to know that I'll be able to do something that actually means something. I want to be sure that I have a reason to go to work every day. I want to know that I won't get bored within a month. I don't want my job to get in the way of my life and family. I want to be a soccer mom. I want to be active in my kids' lives, and I want to have energy for life when I get home from work. I also don't want work to be something to pass the time and earn money. I want to believe in what I'm doing.

I know what I want in life, to a certain extent (and I don't need to know any more about that just yet), but I don't have the slightest idea what I want to DO. I know who I want to be, but I don't know what I want to be.

SMU countdown: 8 weeks

I can't take this anymore! I'm so sick of being told that my feelings don't matter! I can't control them, and I think I have every right to feel how I feel. I'm usually really good at keeping that to myself, but when I'm trapped without some kind of outlet (running, for instance), I'm prone to moodiness and frustration before finally snapping and saying something. Really, I should be able to say something. What makes anyone think it's ok to tell someone they can't feel a certain way? How can I "not have a right" to miss my friends or running? I'm stuck in an office all day and spend more time than I probably should daydreaming about what I'd be doing if I were outside, and then I come home and have to follow someone else's schedule. I'm not complaining about doing it; I know I promised to help. I'm just not used to being confined to someone else's priorities anymore.

I have been helping though, and it really upsets me that I'm constantly being criticized for not doing as much as others. I don't have as much time as others, since I get home from work around 5:30. It's really hard to get motivated to get going after sitting at a desk for 8 hours (I don't even take a lunch break lately; I just eat at my desk and keep working). Nobody said I had to be cheerful about it. Why should it matter as long as the work gets done? I have been working. I've been doing what's been asked of me, and I don't think it's fair to be constantly harped on for that.

I'm so frustrated right now. I feel smothered. I can't even have an opinion in this house! I'm stuck doing what everyone tells me to do (including my little sister, which has gotten far beyond annoying). I miss being at school and setting my own priorities and following my own schedule and eating what I want, when I want (instead of waiting until 9:20pm).

For those who like to read my blog and tell my dad about it so he can tell me what not to write in my own blog (which really makes me mad), please understand that I still love my family very much and simply need a way to vent my feelings since I can't leave the house, anyone I would talk to about it is asleep, and screaming would only get me in more trouble.

Livin' on a prayer

I'm itching to go on an adventure. I don't even care what kind. It can be as simple as when we hiked up to "the rock" in the mud during a tornado watch last week. Okay, I made that sound misleadingly exciting. The weather was just fine, despite the tornado watch, and we didn't know about the watch until we had already decided to go. Still, I loved hiking in the bluffs and getting muddy. I really want to go on a road trip, even a day trip, to someplace random. I really want to go explore some place I've never been. I feel like there aren't many opportunities for adventures when I'm back home.

I keep getting more and more excited about the idea of spending a year in Europe after graduation. I should really check on that scholarship ASAP. I still might decide to do some volunteering after that too. It'd be a really great opportunity for new experiences, and I might as well do as many different things as I can before really getting out there in the "real world."

Annnnnyway. I'm not sure if I mentioned it yet, but I reached one of my running goals for the summer! I ran 10 miles last Sunday. :) I can't wait for Kaja's grad party to be out of the way so I have more time to run.

I need to find new running routes too...

10 miles!!!!! :)

I think working New Student Orientation is the best kind of vacation. I'm still getting paid, even if it is less than back home. I'm in Winona, which is awesome in itself. I'm on campus with my friends. I get to help new students see how awesome SMU is. It's pretty easy work too.

Yesterday after church I went for a 10 mile run in the bluffs and around the lake a couple times. It felt amazing! It was such a gorgeous day too! Hot, yes, but I tend to run better in the heat for some reason. I'm so glad I made my summer goal so early in the summer too! It's so weird to think that when I started, I really struggled through one mile. I could barely imagine running for 10 straight minutes, and now I'm at almost an hour and a half of just running. Not just that, but I tend to run up any hill I see. I love knowing I can push myself so hard. :)

After my run, I showered and then we went to the beach. That was fun. :) Then we ordered Erbs&Gerbs for dinner and went to the park until it got dark, and we finished the night off watching Pursuit of Happyness on TV.

We went to the beach again today. :):)

I am already tanner than I've gotten the last few summers! Most of it is from running, but I also got a lot of color from the beach yesterday (and probably today).

The best part about this week is getting away from the 'stress' of Kaja's grad. party. Everyone's freaking out, which I think is unnecessary. It's nice that I can just relax a bit before that last week of preparations so I can be more patient and willing to help out. I want it to turn out okay, but I have no reason to believe it won't anyway. People are just going to be happy to get a chance to see each other, and as long as there's food and alcohol, nobody can really complain, can they?

Anyway. Life is good :)

It's been a long time since I've written. I've wanted to write many times in the last month, but I always find myself either too busy or too tired to think.

Most of my thoughts this summer have revolved around what to do after graduation next year, but now (as of yesterday) I have a new 2-4 year plan. I'm going to spend a year taking classes in Poland... just language classes so I can actually feel confident speaking my first language again. This part of the plan depends on scholarships. If I don't get that, I'll do long-term volunteering with Lasallian Volunteers or Americorps or something. Even if I do get to go to Poland, I might still volunteer for a while. By then I might have an idea of what I want to do.

I feel so relieved now that I have an answer to the "what are you doing after graduation?" question. I feel like I can breathe and enjoy my last year now. I'll just keep building experiences and keep my eyes/mind open to possible career tracks. Maybe I'll visit the career center at school... We'll see. Either way, I no longer feel the need to panic. Nothing good could come of that.

I don't know why I was always in such a rush to get out of school and into the business world. I like learning, and I have many, many years to work. With how easily bored I can get, I shouldn't rush into something that might end up being the same thing day after day for years.

Bottom line: I'm super excited for my new plan :)