"Silence is essential for thought."

I may be a very social person, but I am definitely lacking in alone time. I think I just need a little breathing space. I've spent too many years overcompensating for the time in my life when I got too much alone time.

I was a very lonely kid. On the one hand, my imagination was allowed to roam wild without the hassels of explaining ideas or following someone else's ideas. On the other hand, I was just sad and lonely. It probably didn't help that I wasn't the invisible lonely kid. I was the punching bag, and I was in desperate need of a friend.

Somehow I transitioned from that to an overly-involved, constantly-surrounded-by-someone people person. At home there are always people to see. At school there are always classes, meetings, and work to get to. Then there's time spent talking to people I don't see nearly enough of. Once all that's done, I get to see my roommates a bit... and I swear I see them far less than when I didn't live with them. I don't spend enough time on homework because I'm always busy, and when I finally do get a moment alone, I use the time to think, get applications done, research (not for school though; I research my options in life or my general wonderings about the world).

I am now desperately in need of some 'me' time. I need to go for longer runs, start taking walks again, watch tv (stuff I actually want to watch), and read for fun. I need time when I'm not stressing over whether or not something should run in the Cardinal or what kind of poster I should make for the next SAC event. I need a chance to put some real time into my readings for class and really delve into the stuff I actually find fascinating. I need to figure out what I want in life. I already know I need to go with the flow (it's been working for me so far, even when I've tried to plan), but I don't even know what my priorities are. A soon-to-be college graduate should have some idea of what her priorities are. I need to be comfortable and confident with who I am as a person. I am to quite a big extent, but I need to understand it all better. I need to fully trust myself.

I think part of my trouble with trusting people is that I don't fully trust myself. How can I trust someone if I think he/she can change who I am as a person. Not just change my life or affect my decisions, but completely change my very essence. I need to trust that I'm still me, even if someone dissappoints me or breaks my heart.

Now that I'm not going bowling tomorrow night, I think I need to devote it to finally getting caught up from when I was sick and to finishing up applications. I am going to stay on top of things for my last few weeks of college, and I am going to take advantage of any free time I can salvage.

To volunteer, or not to volunteer... ?

I am 100% sure that I am going to be a high school English teacher. I realize now that it's the only thing that really makes sense. Sure, there are other things I can still do, but nothing else would capture all my talents and passions quite like teaching would. It's my calling; I'm sure of it.

So the long term plan is figured out. I also know I want to do my MA in Instruction at Saint Mary's. I know I want to do it in Winona rather than in the Twin Cities too.

What I don't know yet is whether or not to volunteer first.

I had it all figured out. I was going to volunteer for a year, then get my Master's, and then teach. Now I'm not so sure. I've been going back and forth about long-term volunteering for two years now, and that uncertainty alone makes me feel uneasy about the committment.

I love volunteering, and I would love to go back to the Gulf Coast after my experience in Biloxi freshman year. I love the idea of helping people and focusing completely on service, and I feel... well, I feel like I'm the "type" of person that would do it. I also wonder if I will regret not doing it if I choose to go right to grad school.

I don't like having a 24/7 schedule for my life, and I worry a lot about living in community. I definitely need my own space, and I need to be able to dictate my life at least a little bit. Living in community might teach me to give up some control and to be more open to others, but I really fear that it will keep me from putting my whole heart into the experience. I don't like the idea of only being home for Christmas and Easter (especially if it will be at my own expense). I hate the idea of being away from my family and potentially not having a lot of time to talk to them. I don't like that I would miss out on dancing with my group in Poland next summer, but I feel like that might sound like a stupid reason to be apprehensive (even though my dance group is like my family... and a good chunk actually is my family... and I have been looking forward to this since I was 10).

I almost wonder if I was only considering volunteering so strongly to get me thinking in a way that would lead me to realize I need to be a teacher. Besides, as a teacher I could volunteer for a few weeks over the summer (a la Volunteer Services/S.O.U.L. trip)... I feel like I would be more comfortable with that kind of committment. I also wonder if I am just getting too excited about teaching and am therefore looking for reasons to not volunteer. I really don't think that's it though.

I'm really not sure about long-term volunteering anymore. I've never been 100% sure. It's been one of those things I get excited about and then get bored with (like every other potential career I considered before acknowledging how much I want to be a teacher). I feel bad though. I feel like the very fact that I ever considered long-term volunteering means that I have to... like I'll be a bad person now if I don't. Well, maybe not a bad person, but I guess I'd feel selfish? I don't know...

Either way, I'm running out of time to figure it out.

www.freerice.com

The Plan

I think I've figured it out. I know what I want to do with my life, more or less. There's still room for flexibility, which is good, but I definitely know where I'm going now. I've never felt so sure before. My parents might not be super happy, but I'd rather make a difference than make money. Anyway, I'm not going to go publicizing it where they can come across it until I've talked to them about it. (I've had issues with that and this very blog before.)

I can say that as long as I get all appropriate applications filled out, I may just have the next year figured out. I'll work at Nacel for at least the first couple of months (especially since I have the marathon May 30), and then I'm pretty sure I want to go to Poland for those language classes... That means I need to get on those applications and scholarships ASAP (if only I had time for ASAP!). Then I want to volunteer for a year. I'm working on a few leads. I'm open to pretty much anywhere and anything, but I would definitely prefer to go to Mississippi where I can help with hurricane relief. There are other options that might work out better with what I have planned for after that.

Whatever. Let it be. :)

Why is it that while I'm running my thoughts can be clear and organized, but the minute I stop they jumble right back together before I have a chance to talk or write about them and remember what I figured out while running?

I have a problem with not wanting to sleep at night, even if I'm very tired and know it will negatively affect my efficiency the next day. It's the only time I have to myself to just think. Well, besides while I'm running. I'd rather put off the next jam-packed day. I can't wait to be done with all the classes and meetings. I might still be busy after graduation, but I feel like it won't be so random and won't be the same kind of busy.

Tonight's excuse though is watching the re-run of the Olympic Closing Ceremony since I missed it the first time. :)

Why I can't quit.

I've had some very intense and overwhelming times in my 3 years here, especially this year, and the advice I constantly get is to quit something, to cut down. I've realized that I'm tired of being constantly busy and would love more time to really delve into a few of my favorite classes and to spend more time with people I won't get to see nearly as much after graduation.

The problem is, I can't quit. I love my activities, and I love being involved.

lacrosse: The first activity people tell me to quit is lacrosse. I just started it this year, it takes up about 4 hours of my week, and it will take up numerous weekends starting next month. I can't quit lacrosse though. I love being a part of a team again, I love the sport itself, and most importantly, I love my teammates. I refuse to ditch out on them, and I have had such a blast getting to know them! It's one of my only activities that I don't do with my closer friends, and I love that little escape from my world and the chance I've had to meet some different, absolutely wonderful people. I can't quit lacrosse.

the Cardinal: I am editor in chief. I would hope that would be enough reason to explain why I can't quit the Cardinal. I love being able to take what I've been learning in class for 3 years and applying it to something real. I love seeing my name in print, and I absolutely love helping underclassmen improve their writing and seeing their progression throughout the year. It's amazing to see how quickly they improve, and it makes me realize how much I've learned over the years. I also like finding new information on campus (or as new as anything at SMU can remain) and providing that information for others. I can't quit the Cardinal.

SAC: I'm on eboard, and although I'm sure we could find a replacement publicity co-chair, I think that would be an unnecessary hassle for the whole club. SAC was my absolute favorite activity freshman year, and it was one of my favorites last year. It will always hold a special place in my heart. I love asking other students on campus what kinds of events they'd like to see and being able to tell them that I can actually suggest those ideas to the committee. I love being able to prepare activities for other students so they can just show up and enjoy, and I love the people I've met on SAC. I've met some of my closest friends through SAC (well, through SAC and Kelli, but SAC was still really important there). Plus, I designed the logo for the t-shirts we're getting this year. :) I can't quit SAC.

senate: Again, I'm on eboard. It wouldn't be right for a vp to just quit. Besides, I love it. I love being on university committees and really being able to represent the students and students' needs. I love knowing everything going on around campus and having a real say in things. I love being a part of decision making and having some sense of control over what happens to my fellow students and me while we're here. It may take up more of my time, but it is definitely well worth it. I can't quit senate.

senior class gift committee: Meetings are short and only once a week, and Bob encouraged me to go because he actually wants the busiest students on the committee. I'm excited to be able to discuss the needs of students in general while coming up with the class of 2010's gift. We get to leave our own little legacy, and I'm very happy to be a part of that. I can't quit the class gift committee.

volunteer mentors: Service has become a very important part of my life. It's my biggest connection to the Lasallian mission of the university, it's how I feel God's presence the most (well, that and while I'm enjoying nature), it's how I've met some of my closest friends/strengthened my relationship with others, and it's how I feel most like a truly productive and compassionate member of society. I love helping other students find that connection with volunteering, and I love talking to students about their volunteer experiences and encouraging them to keep it up. I can't quit volunteer mentors.

TEC: TEC is basically done for me, but I still feel the need to talk about it. It was very time-consuming to organize this year's TEC, and being a leader this year required much more energy than being a table leader did last year. TEC is where I most strongly feel a sense of community and belonging. I first felt a connection to SMU when I went on TEC freshman year, and that connection is still there. I have met so many amazing people through TEC, and I am very grateful for my experiences in the 4 retreats I've been a part of. My relationship with God has gotten so much stronger through TEC, and I've been able to better understand the Lasallian values we learn about in our LCT classes. I could not have quit TEC.

TRBD: The benefit dance is one of the most amazing things we do on this campus, and I am very proud to be a part of it. It is the epitome of our Lasallian mission to take what we have and give it to someone in our SMU community who is in need. I love seeing everyone come together to help while also enjoying the festive celebration that is the actual dance. I can't quit TRBD.

phonathon: It may have started out as a much-needed job, but phono has become much more than that. Again, I have met some amazing people through phono, and I have gained a lot of confidence in talking on the phone (which was one of my biggest fears at the start of the year). I love talking to parents and alumni and hearing how much the university still means to them so many years later. I've heard great stories of people's time here, and I've heard how their time here still affects their lives now. I've heard the saddest stories of financial struggles followed by a generous pledge. It is one of the most heartwarming things I do here at Saint Mary's, and it has completely taken me by surprise. I may need the job and the money that comes with it, but even without that, I can't quit phonathon.

I have had to drop a handful of activites and organizations on campus, and each has been a brutal decision. I have gotten so much out of my extra-curriculars, and that's why it's not as easy as quitting something. I can handle a little stress every now and then. It's worth it for the friends, life lessons, and overall experiences I've gained from my activities.