My advisor told me I should cut back on activities. I bet he wouldn't believe that I've thought about it many times this year. I just don't have a solution yet.

I can't quit senate because I'm the VP for academic affairs and represent the student body on two university committees. I can't quit volunteer mentors because volunteering is very important to me, it's not that much of a time committment, and it would be downright unacceptable. I can't quit SAC because I'm a publicity chair, it's only 2 hours out of my week (formally at least), it was my favorite activity the last two years, and I wouldn't hear the end of it. I can't quit the Cardinal because I'm editor in chief. FAC seems to have disappeared, so that's not a problem. I'm co-leading TEC, and that'll be done early next semester anyway. TRBD shouldn't take up too much time, and it's really important to me. Discernment group only meets for 1 hour every other week, and it has helped me out a lot so far. I can't quit my jobs because I need money. I refuse to quit lacrosse.

I've had a handful of people practically attacking me about quitting lacrosse. Their arguments make sense from their points of view. I just started it this year. It takes up quite a bit of time. It'll take up more time in the spring with games and tournaments. There are enough girls on the team, so they don't need me. On paper, they make valid points. However, nothing in real life is the same as it is "on paper." I LOVE being a part of a team again. It's so much different than being part of a regular club. I love competing. I love not being in charge. I love being agressive and trying new things. I love the girls I've met by playing. I already signed the roster and bought my skirt. I've been to the practices and have already put in a lot of time. The team is counting on me (along with all the girls on the roster). I feel like I've been improving a lot and could really contribute to the team. It's the perfect happy medium between a varsity sport and intramurals. It's competitive. I'm part of a team with a Saint Mary's identity. We get to travel and play other schools (including St. Thomas, so my parents can come watch!). It's not an all-encompassing time committment, so I don't have to quit my other activities. I refuse to quit lacrosse. It is not an option.

Next semester will be better anyway. I won't have my internship, my classes should mostly be less time-consuming, and I won't have classes Fridays (though I'll probably have to get another job). I'll also have 4 hours between classes on Mondays and Wednesdays.

I've realized that my most frustrating and time/thought-consuming activity is the Cardinal. I remember thinking freshman year that I never wanted to be editor in chief. Then I was copy editor last year, which surprisingly was a huge time committment and included pretty much everything the editor in chief does, but with less say about how things went. I really disagreed with last year's editor in chief and knew I could do a better job. Basically, I'm going crazy this year because I let my pride get the better of me.

Don't get me wrong, I love editing the Cardinal. I love keeping things organized and having so much say in what stories we cover/run. I love having the final word and standing up to the advisor when he wants to make changes based on his position at the university (he's basically in charge of public relations). I love seeing each finished issue and knowing that my insanity paid off. I just don't know if it's really all that worth it. It's so mentally draining, and I find myself struggling to keep up with emails I receive, emails I have to send out, stories, problems, reporters, editors, and schedules. I'm not looking forward to dealing with this last issue of the semester. Everything is in total chaos right now because a) I was sick the day of the staff meeting, and b) our feature flopped. Oh, and c) Thanksgiving break was smack dab between meeting and deadline. Stories are due Wednesday. Joy. I don't even get a chance to catch up until Christmas break.

Then there are classes and coaching speech at Cotter. Oh, and I'm reading at the Christmas light service, and it's GO time for TEC. I need to put together a new brochure for that once I get back to campus but I feel like I have no time.

I don't have the mental capacity for all of this. My mind is on 23895609237 more things, and I'm not getting nearly enough sleep lately. I don't even remember the point of this blog entry.

I need a break.

There is so much I'd like to blog about right now. I have so much on my mind that I've been itching to write about for a while now, but my blog hasn't been the best place to express my thoughts and feelings lately. I can't just write and leave it be anymore. What can I say...?

I've been sick this week. I got kicked out of the "Cardinal" office Monday night for being too pale, and I spent the entire day yesterday in my village. I missed out on the last night of hard-core editing, which turned out to be a little bit annoying with final edits today. I tried really hard to read while I had the place to myself with no music or conversation to distract me, but I really couldn't focus. I tried doing a PR blog entry, but I just couldn't do that either. I expected that assignment to be easy, but I'm learning that it really isn't. I find it very hard to think like a public relations practicioner as a journalism major. Even though I no longer want to work for a newspaper, I am still very protective of the media and tend to take its side. Public relations has gotten in my way in the past with the "Cardinal," and I tend to get annoyed by some of the things we discuss in PR classes. This makes it surprisingly difficult to blog about issues in PR. I can't explain it, but I need to get over it as soon as possible if I don't want my grade to suffer.

I miss running. I've either been too busy, exhausted, or sick to run lately, and it has me antsy and anxious to get out running again. I haven't even been able to go to lacrosse practice this week, and it's more upsetting than it probably should be.

I'm starting to find myself with more of an opinion on things lately, and I'm more likely to stand up for that opinion. I'm standing my ground more, even on small matters, and it makes me feel ready to get out in the world. I find myself more and more anxious for graduation. My resume is ready to go; I just need to write my cover letter and start sending it out.

I miss random adventures. I really can't wait for my roommates to be done student teaching so things can go back to normal. We used to have so much fun finding the most random things to do, but this semester's been a bit of a dud. During the day we're all in class, evenings are spent at meetings, and at night everyone's working on lesson plans, hanging out with their boyfriends, or getting ready for bed. I'm starting to think having to listen to all of my roommates casually mention their boyfriends all the time is worse than my family constantly asking me if I have a boyfriend yet. At least when my family's just asking questions I don't end up home alone watching movies on a regular basis. I still believe I am just fine without a boyfriend... I just sometimes resent the fact that my roommates have them. I miss hanging out with my roommates.

I suppose I have plenty of things I should be working on right now. I need to start being more productive.

It would be really great if the financial aid and/or business office would be very clear and explicit about how much you owe, when it's due, and what EXACTLY you have to do to have registration holds removed. I'm so frustrated! Every single semester it's the same thing! They're of no help whatsoever.

It's been a long time since I've written, but I don't want to have to take time to go over everything I've missed to get to my point, so... S.O.U.L. was fun, I'm going home for Thanksgiving now and I still don't know what to do with my life. Oh, and I may not do long-term volunteering now.

Senior year really isn't turning out the way I expected it to. I see my roommates less than I did when we didn't live together, and things aren't going all that smoothly with that; I STILL haven't gone to the apple orchard , but my friends have gone without me; I feel 10x busier even though I don't think my responsibilities have changed too much; I'm always tired and cranky, but I can't imagine giving up anything; oh, and I spend probably around 40% of my nights alone in the village. I miss random adventures with my friends. I miss staying up late talking about anything and everything. I miss watching FRIENDS for hours on end.

We were going to have a girls night the first week back, and that still hasn't happened. We haven't had any random dance parties (unless you count the night Molly and I did aerobics in the living room while watching Richard Simmons on YouTube). We haven't gone to Perkins once. We have gone to Ground Round, but only so everyone else could drink. My roommates spend their weekends either with their boyfriends or at the bars... and when it's not one of those, they're too tired to do anything.

I'm sick of my classes and really don't think I'm getting much out of them anymore. I'm bored with having so many journalism/PR classes, especially now that I know I don't want to write for a newspaper (and I'm not a PR major anyway). I don't like sitting still and listening to someone talk at me. I participate in discussions, but only because I know the answers and it keeps me a little more focused.

I miss my family. A lot. Phone calls aren't the same though.

Maybe things will be better next semester when I don't have my internship and will have no more than one class on Fridays. As long as I can do Photo Digital Imaging as an independent study so I don't have to take Case Studies in PR...

October break - S.O.U.L.

I'm trying to convince myself that going on this S.O.U.L. trip is the best thing for me. In almost any situation, this would be easy. However, I have been feeling very overwhelmed lately, and I haven't been sleeping well, and a break would be really nice right about now.

If I were all packed I'd go to sleep now. It's hard to fit everything I'm going to need between now and Tuesday (which is quite a bit considering we're camping out and it's supposed to snow) into a duffle bag and a backpack... especially when all I want to do is sleep.

Meanwhile, I spent yet another night alone in 212. It's getting to be a little ridiculous that I saw my current roommates more last year when I didn't live with them than I do now.

Now I'm just getting cranky. I need to finish packing. (We leave at 8am tomorrow.)

My faith has always been an important part of my life, but in the last couple months it has really become my main focus. I like that. :)

The busier I am, the less time I have to think about things I really don't want to think about. If I elaborate, I'll be thinking about those things, so I won't.

Last year, editing the first issue of the Cardinal took forever. We only had 12 pages because we didn't have enough stories, and we were in the office until 4am on the Tuesday of editing weekend. This year, we have to hold a few stories for next month, we can't use many photos, we have the full 16 pages, and we were out of the office by 10 tonight. We started printing pages yesterday, and all I need to do is add 3 photos and go over it with Bob before sending it off to the Post. :)

I have to research and write a position paper tomorrow because of how crazy this weekend was. That's not going to be fun.

I decided I'm going to run the Stillwater Marathon on May 30. I figure I'll probably end up wanting to run another marathon, so I think I'll save Grandma's Marathon for next year. Stillwater is smaller and closer to home, and it looks like Grandma's is the same weekend as Miss Minnesota, and I want to be able to go cheer on Molly!

So that means I have 249 days to prepare! Yay for goals :)