I hate when everything happens all at once. I love each individual activity I'm a part of, I have to work, I like coaching speech, and my classes are ok, but sometimes it seems like every single thing gets busy at the exact same time, and it gets really overwhelming. I hate how inconsistent everything is. Sometimes I have nothing to do and get really bored, other times I feel so overcommitted and overwhelmed that I want to cry. I am absolutely exhausted. This chunk of time is the only free time I have all day, and I have to spend it working on homework. I already had 3 classes, church (I was reading), an induction luncheon for Delta Epsilon Sigma, Founder's Day Convocation, and a group meeting. I still have a Benefit Dance meeting, the Mardi Gras Bazaar, an intramural volleyball game, and work. It isn't even enough to make it through today. I have classes tomorrow, coaching, I'll have to find somewhere in town to go to church, and I'll have to do a lot of homework. I might have to meet with my group too. (Can I just say it really sucks to have a 20 minute presentation in a 0 credit class?) Thursday's busy too, and then I have to edit this weekend while working on a paper, studying, doing homework, working, and judging a speech meet. Oh, and I have to write my TEC talk for the meeting on Thursday.

Sweet.

Not so much.

Today my dad made a comment about me needing to find a boyfriend. I'm disappointed that's back. I'm sick of being made to feel like I need a boyfriend right now, because in reality, now's really not a good time for it. I'm already struggling to juggle schoolwork, my activities and commitments, work, and time with my friends. I would hate to not be able to devote enough time to everything else in order to add a relationship. They take a lot of time, especially in the beginning.

Besides, I still haven't met anyone that really meets my standards. I know I have pretty high standards, but I'm not going to just go out with anyone just for my own self-validation or to make my family happy. (Why it matter so much to them when I'm only 20, I'll never know.) I've gotten to the point where I don't have to worry as much about petty teenage high school drama when it comes to guys (there are always a few exceptions, of course), and I have a better idea of what I'll look for in a relationship. Yes, even without having been in one. Like I said, I won't just turn my life upside-down for someone I only sort of like just to make myself feel better about myself.

I have too much on my mind with graduating early and deciding I want to go to law school, and I'm having so much fun spending time with friends and figuring myself out. I've gotten so much more comfortable in my own skin since coming to college, and I've definitely grown a bit of a backbone. I'm getting better at standing up for myself, and I completely believe in my own capabilities. As cheesy as it sounds, I'm really growing and gaining more confidence here. I think that's really important for me right now, and I think it will help me in the future when I eventually end up in a relationship.

But that can wait.

(With that said, I think it's safe to say I'm over my most recent crush. Goodbye half of my drama from before break.)

It's interesting how hard it is to follow someone else's advice until you're giving someone else the same advice. Once you're looking at the big picture on someone else's behalf. it's much easier to realize it for yourself too.

On being a nerd.

I've always been a bit of a nerd. I've learned to embrace it now, but I used to absolutely hate being called one. I really hated... no, I still hate... the negative connotation associated with the word nerd. Since when is it a bad thing to enjoy learning and to do well in school?

Being a nerd in elementary school meant my friends no longer wanted to be associated with me. Once the cliques started, I was pushed aside. Being a nerd in middle school was much worse. It meant I was someone to use. I was worth talking to when someone wanted homework help or needed an extra person on her side of an argument, but otherwise I was considered worthless. Being a nerd in high school meant people were careful about how much they hung out with me. Normal guys didn't talk to me, and some people still used me. Now being a nerd really doesn't mean anything, or if it does, I don't even bother to pay attention to it.

I never enjoyed studying or spending time on assignments. I've always liked learning new information, and I've always had a pretty easy time grasping new concepts, but I was never one to make school my life. I did work hard, but it was not because I needed to out-do everyone. It was not because I thought I was better than everyone.

It was because it was supposed to pay off.

I grew up learning that if I had perfect grades and did well in school, I would be rewarded with college scholarships. I heard about people getting big college scholarships for being good students, and I knew that was something I could definitely strive for.

I gave up the chance to be completely irresponsible and carefree for the goal of a scholarship.

What a waste of my time. As sad as that is to say- that making the effort to do well in school feels like a waste of time- but it really is unfair that I gave up so much of what it is to be a kid because I assumed it would pay off later.

It didn't.

Merit scholarships don't seem to exist anymore. It doesn't matter if you work hard, get good grades, give up your social life, and have real potential to be very successful in college. The only thing that matters anymore is how much money your parents make. I'm sorry, but part of the reason I worked so hard before college was for them. I didn't want my parents burdened by the cost of my education. My parents can't afford to pay for my private university education while preparing for my sister to go to college and trying to pay for other things they need. They have been working hard for their money for a very long time, and I think they deserve to use that money on things that directly affect them.

Not only that, but my parents don't even have to help me pay for school. The only reason they do is because I don't make nearly enough money in my three jobs to pay my tuition bill.

I really think scholarships should be merit based. That's not to say that people with real financial need wouldn't get them. I just think their merit should be ranked highest. You can have financial need and still be a good student and hard worker with potential to learn and grow at a college. There are a number of people here who do not take their studies nearly as seriously as I do and who do not bother to get involved in the campus community, and they receive twice as much aid as I do because their parents make less money than mine do. If people want a college education, they should work for it. They should take high school seriously and really work toward a goal. It is incredibly unfair to think that people who slacked off all through high school and are drinking away their entire college experience are being rewarded more than I am. I find it insulting even.

Everyone is entitled to a college education, but I don't think it should be handed to them on a silver platter. They should work for it. They should take their studies seriously and show some initiative.

Our current financial aid/scholarship system is rewarding the wrong thing entirely.

It's 2am and I have to study for my 8:454am test still, but this will only take a minute.

1. I absolutely hate catty girls who will deliberately be stupid and bitchy to anyone, friend or not. It's worse though when you're screwing over a friend, even if it's not a close friend.

2. It hurts when one of your closest friends is too stubborn and childish to even say hello to you on your birthday. Especially when you didn't do anything to upset said friend.


and...

3. Boys are frustrating. Period.

There is a lot of drama in my life right now.

I have major money drama that I'm working on dealing with.

I have friendship drama I plan on dealing with.

There's some... other drama. I'm dealing with at least half of that situation. The other part flat-out pisses me off. We'll see if I do anything about that.

I'm going to start being more direct with people. I'm going to be open and honest and stick to my guns. I really believe it'll be easy enough.

I'm feeling incredibly confident lately... for the most part.

Twenty.

The most important thing I learned on my 20th birthday: I have the absolute best friends in the world. I am so unbelievably lucky.

My birthday was pretty great. I got to see my family Friday night before work... we went out to eat.

On my actual birthday I got a really good workout in, then we went to Zaza's (pizza place), then to Battle of the Bands for a while, then back to Kelli's to hang out with a bunch of people. It was fun.

There was some definite drama, but it didn't take over my night. My friends are too amazing for that to happen. :)

Now... 363 days!! Haha

I turn 20 tomorrow.

I remember in second grade we had some kind of assignment where we had to think about something happening in the future... but it was something that would happen in 5th grade. It seemed so impossibly far away. I remember being so anxious to get to that point- to be 10 years old, upstairs, and in a skirt and vest instead of a jumper. I couldn't wait to be one of the "big kids." It's a moment I remember very vividly, and I've been thinking about it every time I've thought about my 20th birthday coming up. It was once insane for me to picture myself turning 10. Now I will be double that.

Now I have to worry about my future and working. I have to worry about graduation and grad school. I'm not afraid of growing up... that's not it. I am excited for the future... I just can't believe how quickly everything is happening. I guess I'm just a little dumbfounded.

I can't decide how exactly I feel about my birthday this year. Sometimes I'm really excited, but others I don't even mention it. I know it's pretty low-key. I'm not upset by that. Next year is going to be beyond awesome (sometimes it's good to be the youngest in a group of friends). I'm sure tomorrow will be just fine too. I don't know. I guess I'm not even sure if I'm all that excited for it. I guess I'm excited for the fact that it's only getting better. This last year has been the best year of my life so far, and I can only think of better things to come.

Speaking of both past (2nd-5th grade talk) and future... I think I'm going back to my original life plan, assuming I can afford the first part... Law school anyone?

It cost more for me to test out of Practical Grammar than it would have if I had just stayed in the class. $790.00 more. Almost $800 for one piece of paperwork that would take one person no more than five minutes to enter. I'm pissed. If I had remembered that Arts Core was 2 credits and added that after testing out of Practical Grammar, this wouldn't be an issue, but I didn't. Now I'm still being charged for 12-17 credits, but I'm also being charged $790 for taking one little test.

As much as I love going here, Saint Mary's University screws you over financially. If I had known all this would happen, I would have either sucked it up and gone to school in Poland, or I would have argued more with my dad about going to Madison. Scholarships do not even out a private university with a public one. Now I'm glad I'm graduating a year early. I don't want to give the school another year of money. I don't want to give them money once I'm alum either. I'll tell phone-a-thon people to cross me off their list.

I love it here, but I hate the institution.

I am PISSED.

I am having a full-blown mid-college crisis. This is not news. I spent almost two hours on the phone with Steph today comparing dilemmas, taking personality tests, and researching possible masters degrees. I went through an A-Z list of masters programs in the United States and have a few options to think about. I really feel like I'm just starting over, and it kind of sucks. I hate not having a plan. I've always had a plan, and now that I'm just over a year away from going out into the "real world," I suddenly don't have a plan. It's very unsettling.

We had to test lake water for lab today. We went to two lakes, drilled two holes in each, and took water samples to bring back to the lab. One group was less than intelligent and let the cap of the tool to gather water in freeze shut, so we were stuck outside much longer than we needed to be.

The food situation in the cafeteria is still ridiculous. I'll leave it at that though, otherwise I'd go on forever with complaints.

My philosophy test went well, I think. I always get so worried when I finish a test so much quicker than anyone else (I was done first in around 20 minutes in a class full of philosophy major seminarians); I'm always so afraid that I missed something or just completely misunderstood key concepts that should be harder. I guess we'll see when I get the test back. At least now I know what to expect from my philosophy tests.

I WILL go to bed right after work tonight. Ok, I'll shower right after work, and then I'll go straight to bed. I have no reason to stay up, and it'd be nice to get a decent amount of sleep for once.

I don't want to go to work tonight. I've realized that I can't do anything that requires a lot of sitting still at a computer. I need to move around. I should remember to keep that in mind when I try to figure out what to do with my life.

I should have taken a nap. Actually, I should have gone running. I did not make very good use of my time this afternoon. I have to coach the rest of this week. I wish that didn't break up my afternoon so much. It's a bummer I can't go right after classes. I'm glad it's not later than it is though. That would really suck.

Is a 15 minute nap worth my time right now? I guess we'll see!

I'm usually excited for my birthday. That's not really the case this year. I actually wouldn't mind just skipping my birthday altogether. I kind of feel like I won't notice either way. Who cares about someone's 20th birthday when everyone else is turning 21?

I did not want to wake up this morning. I know that's my struggle almost every morning, but today I woke up way before I needed to and realized I didn't want to wake up because that would make it Monday, and I wasn't ready for this week to start. I'm not sure what I'm dreading so much about this week. I don't really think it's my three tests... I'm really not too worried about them. I'm a little nervous for my philosophy test, since I'm not really sure what to expect, but it's not bad enough to stress me out. (I'm not studying right now, am I?) I really think I just want to avoid my birthday. If I could just skip to next week... or to February break... or to Easter break. I've been feeling a little homesick lately. I miss seeing my family and going to Dolina rehearsals. I miss shopping and just having some 'me' time. I'm almost never alone here, and while I usually like being around other people, I've just gotten to a point now where I feel overwhelmed. I need some time alone.

I feel really out of it today. I just can't shake my ... "I-don't-care" ?... mood. I guess I feel a little burned out, but I don't know why. It's not like I've been working hard or stressing over school or anything. I'm just kind of caught in a rut. Maybe doing something a little different this weekend made me realize how boring my life has gotten. It was a fun weekend though...

Next weekend is going to suck. I work Friday night, and then Saturday is Battle of the Bands. I get to spend my birthday setting up and cleaning up for something I was so bummed to miss last year but don't really care to see this year. Funny how that happens. Then Sunday it looks like I'll be hosting a prospective student. Joy.

I'm so not in a good mood today. I didn't get to run either. After classes I worked on publicity for Winter Week. Then I went to coach speech, where both of the kids were no-shows because they had nothing ready. Then I worked on more publicity, ate yet another crappy meal in the cafeteria, and worked on publicity some more. Now I have 45 minutes to kill before the SAC meeting, and after that I have to do my Stats homework and study for my test tomorrow. Hopefully it won't take long.

I do NOT want to go to my bio. lab tomorrow. Ugh I always seem to forget about that. :(

Late-night randoms

I ate way too much at the Super Bowl party. My stomach is not happy.

I missed the last 1:30 or so of the game for church. Last I saw, the Cardinals were winning. I'm a little bummed I had to miss the end.

I got nothing accomplished this weekend. I did my one-point perspective for art, but I didn't study for my philosophy test Tuesday or do any other homework.

I'm tired and should've gone to bed hours ago.

I'm starting to take some new risks I never took before. They don't really scare me, but I wish I had a better opportunity than this.

I reorganized my closet areas... so I guess I was a little productive. I still have big piles of clothes on my bed.

I'm thirsty but out of clean cups. I don't want to wake Sara up by washing one.

I'm a lot luckier than I ever really take the time to realize.

I'm a very selfish person. I realize it often but don't do nearly enough to change this.

My birthday is in less than a week! This week is going to drag by though. I have two tests and a ton to do for SAC Winter Week publicity.

I feel like I'm going to absolutely hate my birthday this year. With all my friends turning 21, who's going to care about my 20th birthday? I'm worried to even be excited for it.

I'm almost as nervous for Kaja's audition as she is. I know how much this means to her and really want to see her succeed. I'm probably more confident than she is though.

I dropped my new camera last night, but nothing happened. (Thank goodness!)

I think it's safe to say that I'm going through a little bit of an identity crisis right now. I know who I am and am very comfortable with that person, but I have no idea how to figure out who I'm going to be after graduation.

I wore my fall/spring coat today! It felt so nice to not be a big puff of jacket for a change.

I actually took my running stuff with me to brunch today, but the locker room/RAC were insanely crowded for some swimming event for kids, so I didn't run. I'm very annoyed by that.

I have about 23987528347582379057 more thoughts floating through my head right now, but I need to get some sleep.