New Year's Eve might be two weeks away, but I already have my resolution. Instead of trying to change something about me, I'm going to work on loving myself the way I am. That's not to say I can't make changes. That doesn't mean I can't work out more. It just means I'm going to stop judging myself and start being totally, 100% comfortable with the way I look/act/am. I'm not even going to let myself make another resolution, because I really want to focus on this.

I'm halfway done with college. Three semesters down, three semesters to go. By this time next year, I'll be on my last Christmas vacation and preparing for my last semester. I'm both terrified and incredibly excited.

Sometimes I feel like I'm far too self-involved. I feel like there are things going on with my friends that I should be realizing sooner. I feel like I should listen more and pay more attention to the people around me. I always thought I was pretty good at this, but I've had a few reminders in the last few years that I'm not doing all that great a job. I hate the thought that people I care about are going through all kinds of shit and I have no idea.

On a similar note, sometimes I feel incredibly guilty for being so happy. I hate knowing that there are many people out there who are suffering, and I wish I could help them feel as happy and blessed as I feel. Sometimes I take it for granted, which makes me feel worse. I am so unbelievably lucky, and that's part of the reason why I made the resolution I did. I have no reason to be self-conscious and self-depricating. I have no reason to be angry about something as petty as my appearance. I'm getting a lot better about this. I no longer run as a punishment for myself or as an unpleasant way to try to lose weight. Now I run because I enjoy it and because it's a challenge. Anyway, I wish I could take my happiness and give it to someone who is struggling. I've been in that place where you hate yourself and everything connected to you. I got past it. I want to trade with someone who can't get past it. I want them to stop hurting and be as happy as I am while I pull myself out of their pain the way I learned to pull myself out. I guess the problem with that is that my pain was probably much smaller than most people's pain. It felt pretty low at the time, but I've grown up and gained some perspective. That was such a temporary unhappiness. I thought it was the end of the world, but it was barely even a thunderstorm. Meanwhile, people live with a hurricane's worth of pain. People downright drown in their own misery, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. I can't even take my friends' hurt away for them.

How dare I gloat about how perfect my life is? How dare I complain about the cafeteria food at school? How dare I feel lonely and sad every now and then for no real reason? How dare I ask anyone for anything when I already have more than enough?

I think the worst thing about all of this is that I realize I should do something but still do nothing.

Sometimes I really disgust myself. (Not the same kind of disgust I'm avoiding with my resolution though.)

I wish I would take a risk. I wish I would really do something that would make some kind of difference. I wish I would stop being so selfish and spend more time thinking about ways to help other people.

I think I need to stop wishing and start acting...