I have every reason in the world to be a happy, confident, optimistic, headstrong woman.

So I'm gonna be.

TRBD 2009

The benefit dance was last night, and it was so much fun! It was such a relief to see things turn out so well, and I've never had so much fun just dancing! I got to wear my homecoming dress from senior year, which I never thought would fit me again, and I got to wear my old prom shoes! The heels killed after a while, but it was so much fun to wear heels, especially since last year I still had my ankle wrapped and had to wear flats. I felt really good about myself, and I think that really helped me let go and dance without feeling self-conscious.

It was an overall great night. :)

I made it through my tests today. I think I'll be fine on bio tomorrow as long as I look over my notes. I'll finally be able to breathe after that one. The rest of the week should be a breeze after that.

I officially do not have anyone running against me for Student Senate VP of Academic Affairs, so unless there is some huge write-in campaign I should be safe with that. Sweet.

I register for classes tomorrow. I can't believe how close we're getting to the end of the year! I also can't believe how many of my friends are staying on campus this summer.

...

I guess I'll go be productive or something...

I'm thinking too many things lately, and it's really getting in the way of things I need to get done. I have two tests tomorrow and one on Wednesday, but I'm not really studying for any of them. I really should be. I just can't focus. I also need to write some kind of bio (?) for senate elections. Oh, and it's Cardinal editing time, and Cotter speech goes to subsections Thursday. I just ate two quesadillas I wasn't even hungry for, my throat hurts, and I really want to run but didn't have time today. I think I might go crazy.

This weekend was pretty awesome. It was nice to go home, and I had a lot of fun hanging out with my family.

Tomorrow is going to be BUSY. I have two tests in a row, then I have aerobics, then lunch and lab, some editing, coaching, and more editing and studying for my last test until senate. Then edit/study some more. Yikes.

The dance is Saturday too, so there's ticket selling, silent auctioning, and last-minute planning.

I need a vacation.

I can no longer write about thoughts, ideas, and feelings on my blog. That means I probably won't write as much, and when I do it will basically be a laundry list of the day's events. Meanwhile, my thoughts, ideas, and feelings will stay trapped in my head, which will leave me to think about them much more than i need to, and I will probably say even more random/dumb things because I won't be focusing on what I'm saying. I'll have no outlet, and eventually I might become an angry, resentful person. This is because people tend to misinterpret what I write. I don't even know how... sometimes I go back to re-read entries to see if I'm subconsciously sending out negative messages or warnings, but nothing sounds all that bad to me. I will say, for the record, that I say many positive things about my parents because I love them and know they have made a lot of sacrifices for me. One paragraph written out of disappointment does not undo that. My family means the world to me. However, I am still young enough to find myself feeling selfish sometimes. I also think very differently than my family does a lot of the time. This leads to occasional disappointments, but that is very definitely overpowered by all of the wonderful things my parents do for me. I am incredibly lucky, and please don't insult me by claiming that I don't appreciate them. I do.

In an update, I got the $800 charge for testing out of grammar straightened out.

The weather has been perfect for a good, thought-clearing walk and/or run in the bluffs or around the lake. I could definitely use it. Unfortunately, I don't have time. The only reason I have time to write this right now is because I just got done with dinner and have 20 minutes until senate.

I have a lot I need to get done. After finally finishing my feature for the daily, I literally sat starting at my bulletin board thinking for 45 minutes. No exaggeration. I was a few minutes late for the TRBD meeting because of it. That is the absolute lamest reason for being late to something, especially considering I'm a co-chair. I feel terrible and irresponsible for that.

Sometimes I really want to just ignore my responsibilities and go clear my head. It is entirely unfair that the only people who have enough time to do that don't even need it.

I think I'm going to save my art homework for last and paint for myself once I finish. I need to do something...

How is it possible to feel so many contradictory emotions at the same time?

Random thoughts for today

The most important lessons I've learned in college haven't been in classrooms or textbooks.

Volunteering at the food shelf was fun. I hope to do it again soon.

I have not been able to focus lately. I know this is not new, but it's been even worse the last week. Today I was in the library from 4-5:20, 5:45-6:40, 7:45-8:45 and 9:40?-11:30. I managed to finish 7 stats problems (that were just definitions). My mind wanders much too much sometimes.

I'm very tired, but I need to finish writing a story.

The rules are not open to interpretation.

I don't know who or what to believe anymore. We're told that any concerns or problems will be heard and taken care of, then we learn that certain plans and changes have been in the works for months, and the administration is mad that students know. So was the plan to spend almost the entire year figuring it out and then just make the change out of nowhere? Then students would be "free to voice concerns," the administration would listen and "take things into consideration," but then ultimately stick with the plan they've already spent so much time on? Even if we do say something now we have restrictions on what we can and can't ask? We can't express concern, only ask questions? What kind of bullshit is that? We are adults. We are college students. The offices and services offered here at the university are here for us. Why shouldn't we know what's going on? Why shouldn't we express concern for big changes that are going to affect us? Why shouldn't we say what we want to say about it? Why do we need to be so careful not to upset the administration? They're supposed to be doing things in our best interests. They're here for us. It pisses me off that there's ultimately nothing we can do.

I want answers. Real answers. I'm sick of having to figure things out based on very emotional and biased stories, no matter how much I trust the source. I want to know what is going on, and I want to know why we weren't notified sooner. I want to know what they think they're here for, because it's obviously not for us.

I love this school. I have more school spirit than almost anyone I've met here. I do good things here and am very involved, and I am very loyal to Saint Mary's as a whole. This really just leaves me feeling betrayed. I don't trust the university anymore, despite how much I love it. I don't trust anything I hear, and I no longer believe the administration is acting in the students' best interests. If they were, they would be much more open to student input. They wouldn't be trying to shut us up.

I'll Be Fearless For You

TEC was this weekend. I really needed it... it couldn't have come at a better time. I feel so much better about things. I feel kind of like I did when Kelli and I finally found our way out of Chicago over February break. I think I actually got more out of this TEC than when I made TEC. I was able to appreciate it the whole time, rather than warming up to it, I needed it more, and giving the Christian Life talk helped a lot too. I was so nervous for it, not because I didn't want to give a talk, but because I didn't think I was the right person for that topic. I stressed about it for over a month, trying to tweak and perfect what I wanted to say. It wasn't until Friday that I let go that I was able to figure it all out. Gotta love Die Day. (No, that's not some morbid thing to be worried about. TEC is based on the paschal mystery, and Die Day refers to the day you die to yourself and let go of distractions and obstacles between you and your relationship with God.)

I loved the TECites too! They were so open right away, and they had so much energy and enthusiasm! It was awesome!

The only bummer was not getting a parent letter for the second TEC in a row. When I made TEC I got one from my dad, and it was one of the best moments of the weekend. Last year my mom called to tell me she hadn't written one in time. I was disappointed, but I could tell from her voice that she was sorry. One of my friends/advisors wrote me a "family" letter so I wouldn't be sitting awkwardly alone while everyone else read theirs and laughed and cried. This year I got a letter written by Molly. My parents didn't even make an effort. I was even talking to my mom later and mentioned the retreat, but she said nothing about the letter. I don't really understand why they couldn't write one. I don't get why my family doesn't share real feelings. Even my senior year parent note for the yearbook was a generic one. It made me feel bad I made them spend the money to include it. I guess I just expected something more personal. It just kind of hurts to see everyone else's families making the effort while my own family doesn't even seem to realize how much it would mean to me. I was looking forward to family letter time the entire weekend, and it's one of the last things we do on the retreat. Some people get multiple letters (one TECite got 7 this year) from various family members and friends. I got one letter written by Molly because the person in charge of family letters saw I wasn't getting one. Again.

I don't like that TEC is over. I really liked the closeness, sharing, laughing, crying, and hugging. I liked being able to acknowledge and be open with my feelings. I liked remembering that I have so many feelings. I liked having time to talk and think and discuss and really open up with others.

I think that's why I've been so unhappy lately. I have a lot of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, but I've learned to suppress them because people don't really care about that. Nobody wants to know what you're really feeling. I got sick of being labled as the overly-sensitive one, so I closed myself off. The problem with that is that I really am a very open person. I'm suppressing who I really am because people don't seem to be able to/want to handle it. I like having a good cry every now and then. I like laughing and crying and laughing again in a matter of minutes. I like having a lot of feelings. I just wish I had an outlet for them.

Isn't it amazing how much you can learn about yourself in a weekend if you just let go of who you're trying to be?

What a long day.

Today I went to the capitol to lobby to keep the state grant. I didn't get to talk to my rep. or senator because they were both in session, but I got to talk to a few others. I also watched a little bit of each session. It bothers me that they don't pay any attention. They don't seem to be working hard. They sit on the phone or online or just talk while others speak. They don't allow for real discussion or give the opportunity to change their minds. It's ridiculous. Then there was the first rep. we talked to. She's not on the education committee, so she just gets all her advice from the rep. whose office is next to her's... and that rep. isn't even on the higher ed. committee; she's on the K-12 committee.

After getting back I got to hang out with Katie a bit. I haven't gotten to talk to her all week, so that was nice.

After dinner I got some unpleasant news... frustrating news.

Then there was a TEC meeting, which was awesome. I'm so excited for this weekend!

Then I got some sad news.

I'm going to be doing all kinds of praying this weekend. It's going to be good.

I hate knowing that people read my blog. Or at least, I hate having to acknowledge it. I can't write what I think anymore. I can't sort through the stuff I really need to sort through because people misinterpret what I say.

Don't worry about me. I have weird methods/thought processes to go about figuring stuff out, but it's nothing to be concerned about. It's good to have feelings and emotions. They remind you that you're alive.

This has not been a good week so far.

I apparently like to torture myself. I shouldn't be allowed to think on editing weekends. Okay, so I need to think. I shouldn't be allowed to ponder. I'm driving myself nuts.

I'm really happy with the Cardinal this month. I feel like we have some quality news stories that will actually be worth picking up the paper for (though I always think it's worth reading... but I also put in the long hours putting it together). I'm starting to get excited for the paper next year. I think we're going to have a really good editing staff, and I think there will be a lot of teamwork and collaboration.

I'm going to run for student senate vp for academic affairs. It would be a huge time commitment, but I would be willing to drop a lot. If I get it, I think I'm going to limit myself to senate, SAC, and the Cardinal. I'm not going to plan on having time for intramurals, I wouldn't do volunteer mentors again (though I would still volunteer), and I won't keep up the half-hearted involvement with FAC and PRB. The only thing that will cause any real issues will be work. I hate that I have to work when I'm trying to take advantage of opportunities and make the most of my time here at SMU. It amazes me how many people are here on bigger scholarships than I am or don't have to work and don't get involved. If I could spend a year here without classes and spend all of my time on my activities- even the ones that involve time and hard work- I would do it in a heartbeat. I would love to be able to focus all of my energy rather than let it out anywhere and everywhere.

I have so much energy and enthusiasm for the many things I attempt to do (it's a lot of energy when you really consider it all), I often wonder how much I could get accomplished if I focused all of it on one thing. I sometimes think about how much I'm going to love law school because I won't be in a million activities and will be able to really focus on my studies. I am going to devote myself 100% to law school. As of now, I doubt I'll take part in anything else besides Dolina.

I miss Dolina...

I miss sleeping! I need to get a little more done before letting myself go to bed.

When did I become so cynical? When did I stop believing that everyone deserves to be loved? 

I've been doing so so so much thinking lately. I don't really have time for it, but I do it anyway. I have not been focusing on what I should be thinking about or doing. Ever since I started working on my talk for the TEC retreat this weekend (I'm giving the Christian Life talk), and especially since I practiced for the other people working TEC and got their feedback, I've been seriously reflecting on my life.

Lynn said that there were times in my talk when she wanted to stop me and ask me questions. She said I'm very likable and people will want to know more about me. It got me thinking back to the Steubenville retreat before starting high school when my youth group leader told me the one thing he'd really like to see in me is more vulnerability. I'm not one to openly share my true weaknesses. I don't share nearly as many feelings as I'm actually feeling. I share thoughts and ideas, but actual feelings are really hard for me to trust anyone with. I guess I still have a hard time believing that anyone really cares. I have this tendency to devalue myself. I feel undeserving. Even when something goes well for me, I feel like such a fake. Whenever I got good scores on standardized tests, I was almost ashamed. I didn't feel like I had earned them. I feel uncomfortable when someone compliments me or says anything positive about me to someone else because a lot of the time I don't agree with it, and I'm afraid of that kind of attention. I had so many problems when I was little with people thinking I bragged too much, and it turned into this intense fear of showing any pride. Then I got to the point where I was being too negative for my friends. Since then I've been trying to find a balance. I live in my own head so much. I'm cautious to not sound too smart, because nobody likes a know-it-all. I'm careful to not share too many insecurities, because nobody wants to attend a pity party. I'm quick to turn my attention to my friends' problems to try to help them because I know that I want to help them feel better, but I can't guarantee that they want to help me. I've realized that I have trust issues on such a deep level. I've always known I'm a control freak. I need to be involved in anything and everything, and I have to do everything my way, and preferably by myself. I never really knew this extended to my emotional well-being. I never really stopped to think about how hard I work to control my emotions.

I've also realized that I have no problem defending others, but I avoid standing up for myself. Even when I have support from others, I don't have enough faith in myself or my convictions to confront someone. Current key example: I have not yet talked to the person in charge of financial issues about being charged $800 for testing out of that class. I finally printed out the tuition statement, and her office is right down the hall from the Cardinal office, but I keep chickening out.

I need to de-clutter my life a bit. I need to allow myself to live without having to write up a strict daily schedule. It's gotten bad enough for me to be seriously looking forward to law school, when all I'll have to worry about is classes and work. As much as I love my activities, they're stressing me out enough to want to just stop. I look forward to a time when I won't have a constant stream of meetings and events. I need to not have everything planned out for me. I shouldn't spend the present constantly planning for the future. 

Most importantly, I need to leave myself some time for thinking. I'm the kind of person who seriously benefits from a long walk or a good workout, or a real conversation or even some time for blogging.

I feel incredibly overwhelmed right now. I used to be able to plow through particularly busy days or weeks, but it's gotten to the point where it never ends. I use up my energy getting through one tough spot in my schedule, and all of a sudden I have another insanely busy slot. I'm running out of energy; I'm running out of confidence in myself; I'm running out of passion for the things I'm involved in. I feel like I'm losing control of my life, and it's seriously freaking me out. I need to simplify.

On the other hand, I hate to hear the onslaught of "I told you so"'s that are bound to follow. I've been able to handle it all just fine up until now, so it's embarrassing to have to adjust now.

Yesterday someone else mentioned in his talk the idea of a confidence "act." I think that's exactly what I've been doing lately. It started out real, but as I began to lose control, I realized that I wasn't so sure of myself anymore, but I couldn't let on. I've built myself such a high pedestal that I can't hide it if I crash and fall.

Meanwhile, I've gotten so wrapped up in my own problems and plans that I've lost sight of what's actually important. It's really not how many activities I'm in (I've somehow convinced myself that I will go farther in life if I can say I handled so many activities while maintaining my high GPA). ...That's another thing that's been on my mind lately. There's a line in the song I chose to go with my talk that's been haunting me: "How can I further your kingdom when I'm so wrapped up in mine?" I've fallen behind on my volunteer opportunities and have been totally focusing on those things that make me look best, not the things that make me a better person.

Basically, I've been spending a lot of time being honest with myself lately.