TEC was this weekend. I really needed it... it couldn't have come at a better time. I feel so much better about things. I feel kind of like I did when Kelli and I finally found our way out of Chicago over February break. I think I actually got more out of this TEC than when I made TEC. I was able to appreciate it the whole time, rather than warming up to it, I needed it more, and giving the Christian Life talk helped a lot too. I was so nervous for it, not because I didn't want to give a talk, but because I didn't think I was the right person for that topic. I stressed about it for over a month, trying to tweak and perfect what I wanted to say. It wasn't until Friday that I let go that I was able to figure it all out. Gotta love Die Day. (No, that's not some morbid thing to be worried about. TEC is based on the paschal mystery, and Die Day refers to the day you die to yourself and let go of distractions and obstacles between you and your relationship with God.)
I loved the TECites too! They were so open right away, and they had so much energy and enthusiasm! It was awesome!
The only bummer was not getting a parent letter for the second TEC in a row. When I made TEC I got one from my dad, and it was one of the best moments of the weekend. Last year my mom called to tell me she hadn't written one in time. I was disappointed, but I could tell from her voice that she was sorry. One of my friends/advisors wrote me a "family" letter so I wouldn't be sitting awkwardly alone while everyone else read theirs and laughed and cried. This year I got a letter written by Molly. My parents didn't even make an effort. I was even talking to my mom later and mentioned the retreat, but she said nothing about the letter. I don't really understand why they couldn't write one. I don't get why my family doesn't share real feelings. Even my senior year parent note for the yearbook was a generic one. It made me feel bad I made them spend the money to include it. I guess I just expected something more personal. It just kind of hurts to see everyone else's families making the effort while my own family doesn't even seem to realize how much it would mean to me. I was looking forward to family letter time the entire weekend, and it's one of the last things we do on the retreat. Some people get multiple letters (one TECite got 7 this year) from various family members and friends. I got one letter written by Molly because the person in charge of family letters saw I wasn't getting one. Again.
I don't like that TEC is over. I really liked the closeness, sharing, laughing, crying, and hugging. I liked being able to acknowledge and be open with my feelings. I liked remembering that I have so many feelings. I liked having time to talk and think and discuss and really open up with others.
I think that's why I've been so unhappy lately. I have a lot of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, but I've learned to suppress them because people don't really care about that. Nobody wants to know what you're really feeling. I got sick of being labled as the overly-sensitive one, so I closed myself off. The problem with that is that I really am a very open person. I'm suppressing who I really am because people don't seem to be able to/want to handle it. I like having a good cry every now and then. I like laughing and crying and laughing again in a matter of minutes. I like having a lot of feelings. I just wish I had an outlet for them.
Isn't it amazing how much you can learn about yourself in a weekend if you just let go of who you're trying to be?
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