Monday, March 2, 2009

When did I become so cynical? When did I stop believing that everyone deserves to be loved? 

I've been doing so so so much thinking lately. I don't really have time for it, but I do it anyway. I have not been focusing on what I should be thinking about or doing. Ever since I started working on my talk for the TEC retreat this weekend (I'm giving the Christian Life talk), and especially since I practiced for the other people working TEC and got their feedback, I've been seriously reflecting on my life.

Lynn said that there were times in my talk when she wanted to stop me and ask me questions. She said I'm very likable and people will want to know more about me. It got me thinking back to the Steubenville retreat before starting high school when my youth group leader told me the one thing he'd really like to see in me is more vulnerability. I'm not one to openly share my true weaknesses. I don't share nearly as many feelings as I'm actually feeling. I share thoughts and ideas, but actual feelings are really hard for me to trust anyone with. I guess I still have a hard time believing that anyone really cares. I have this tendency to devalue myself. I feel undeserving. Even when something goes well for me, I feel like such a fake. Whenever I got good scores on standardized tests, I was almost ashamed. I didn't feel like I had earned them. I feel uncomfortable when someone compliments me or says anything positive about me to someone else because a lot of the time I don't agree with it, and I'm afraid of that kind of attention. I had so many problems when I was little with people thinking I bragged too much, and it turned into this intense fear of showing any pride. Then I got to the point where I was being too negative for my friends. Since then I've been trying to find a balance. I live in my own head so much. I'm cautious to not sound too smart, because nobody likes a know-it-all. I'm careful to not share too many insecurities, because nobody wants to attend a pity party. I'm quick to turn my attention to my friends' problems to try to help them because I know that I want to help them feel better, but I can't guarantee that they want to help me. I've realized that I have trust issues on such a deep level. I've always known I'm a control freak. I need to be involved in anything and everything, and I have to do everything my way, and preferably by myself. I never really knew this extended to my emotional well-being. I never really stopped to think about how hard I work to control my emotions.

I've also realized that I have no problem defending others, but I avoid standing up for myself. Even when I have support from others, I don't have enough faith in myself or my convictions to confront someone. Current key example: I have not yet talked to the person in charge of financial issues about being charged $800 for testing out of that class. I finally printed out the tuition statement, and her office is right down the hall from the Cardinal office, but I keep chickening out.


I need to de-clutter my life a bit. I need to allow myself to live without having to write up a strict daily schedule. It's gotten bad enough for me to be seriously looking forward to law school, when all I'll have to worry about is classes and work. As much as I love my activities, they're stressing me out enough to want to just stop. I look forward to a time when I won't have a constant stream of meetings and events. I need to not have everything planned out for me. I shouldn't spend the present constantly planning for the future. 

Most importantly, I need to leave myself some time for thinking. I'm the kind of person who seriously benefits from a long walk or a good workout, or a real conversation or even some time for blogging.

I feel incredibly overwhelmed right now. I used to be able to plow through particularly busy days or weeks, but it's gotten to the point where it never ends. I use up my energy getting through one tough spot in my schedule, and all of a sudden I have another insanely busy slot. I'm running out of energy; I'm running out of confidence in myself; I'm running out of passion for the things I'm involved in. I feel like I'm losing control of my life, and it's seriously freaking me out. I need to simplify.

On the other hand, I hate to hear the onslaught of "I told you so"'s that are bound to follow. I've been able to handle it all just fine up until now, so it's embarrassing to have to adjust now.

Yesterday someone else mentioned in his talk the idea of a confidence "act." I think that's exactly what I've been doing lately. It started out real, but as I began to lose control, I realized that I wasn't so sure of myself anymore, but I couldn't let on. I've built myself such a high pedestal that I can't hide it if I crash and fall.

Meanwhile, I've gotten so wrapped up in my own problems and plans that I've lost sight of what's actually important. It's really not how many activities I'm in (I've somehow convinced myself that I will go farther in life if I can say I handled so many activities while maintaining my high GPA). ...That's another thing that's been on my mind lately. There's a line in the song I chose to go with my talk that's been haunting me: "How can I further your kingdom when I'm so wrapped up in mine?" I've fallen behind on my volunteer opportunities and have been totally focusing on those things that make me look best, not the things that make me a better person.


Basically, I've been spending a lot of time being honest with myself lately.

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