"Life ain't always beautiful; sometimes it's just plain hard. Life can knock you down, it can break your heart. Life ain't always beautiful; you think you're on your way, and it's just a dead end road at the end of the day. But the struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has its own way of takin' its sweet time."

It's time to gain a little perspective

Sometimes I feel like the most selfish, petty person in the world. I complain about some of the most trivial "problems" a person could have while there are people in this world who do not have sufficient food or shelter. I worry about hurtful words while some people literally dodge bullets. I get upset when I feel lonely because my friends and family aren't always as supportive as I feel they should be while some people are truly alone without any family or any support of any kind.

My biggest problem right now is that my sister is mad at me for auditioning for EDT. Meanwhile, there are hundreds of people dying of cholera in Haiti because they've had to live in unsanitary tents since the deadly earthquake that struck in January - 9 months ago. People in Indonesia are burning and suffocating to death in the ash, gas and heat of an errupting volcano. Innocent people in war-torn countries are injured or die in bombs. People are washed away in tsunamis. Many lose their homes and everything they own in hurricanes.

I have grown up in quiet, friendly Minnesota. I've had everything I've needed and then some pretty much handed to me on a silver platter. I went to school and graduated from a private university. I had a job right out of college and have insurance and a steady income. I spend my money on frivolous things like fancy coffee, "cute" boots and way more clothes than any person really needs. I have my own car and live at home, rent-free, with plenty of food provided to me. I have a huge support system of family and friends. They might not have come to my marathon or shown the most interest in every one of my many endeavors, but they're there when I need them most. They really care about me and aren't afraid to be honest with me, even if it temporarily upsets me.

It's so easy to lose perspective and believe that my trivial issues are worth my complaints, but I really need to get over that. My time would be much better spent figuring out what I can do for others. Of whom much is given, much is expected, right? I have definitely been given a lot. That makes for some pretty significant expectations...

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride

Wanna hear a secret?

Lowering your expectations of people doesn't prevent disappointment if - deep down - you still have those expectations. You can't trick yourself into expecting less in the secret hope that people will surprise you. It doesn't work that way.

You also can't just say you don't care about something to prevent yourself from getting hurt if it doesn't go the way you'd hoped. If you care - even if you say you don't - you will still get hurt.

There's no such thing as not getting your hopes up.

Bite your tongue

You know what I have always found interesting?

Your friends will often tell you that you should feel free to talk to them about anything that's bothering you. You should be able to trust them with your deepest, darkest secrets, and you should be able to vent to them about the things that annoy and frustrate you, even if they're trivial things. However, my experience has been that sometimes those same friends don't want to hear about the things that annoy you if they don't pertain to them. Sometimes they'll let you vent but won't actually listen. Sometimes they decide that you're a negative person in general just because you're stressed and have no proper outlet for your frustrations. Sometimes they just really don't care about what you're talking about and don't want to hear about it, even if you really need to talk about it.

So then to deal with this problem, you learn to not talk to your friends about things that bother you if they have nothing to do with them. You keep it to yourself to keep your friends happy (and to hopefully get them to stop calling you negative or bitter just because you were overwhelmed and stressed for a given amount of time).

Then your friends get upset with you for not sharing with them, for not trusting them. They feel hurt that you feel you can't talk to them. Or maybe they're upset because they don't want to be seen as a bad friend... it's always hard to tell.

It's an impossible, interesting, frustrating cycle.

I know I say it with every plan, but the more I think about it, the more excited I am about going for an MBA. I'm not concerned with power or authority or making more money. I just want to be able to put myself in a position in which I can actually make a difference and have a say.

Another day, another life plan

I came up with a new plan. I'm not really one to set plans in stone, but it's nice to have something to work toward. So for now, I'm thinking that I'll keep working and saving some money and start prepping to take the GMAT, and then I can start thinking about part-time MBA programs.

Words of wisdom from Mother Teresa

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; It was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa

Chilean miners - true inspiration

The world might be full of sadness and corruption, but there is still an abundance of hope and compassion. 33 miners survived a mine explosion and remained trapped 2,300 ft. below ground for 69 days. Nobody even knew they were alive for the first 17 days - they managed to make 48 hours' worth of food last 17 days. They made all their decisions together, and they kept their spirits up. Every one of those miners is now safe. The 33rd just came up the rescue capsule. The whole world has been watching the last day as each one has resurfaced.

It is so amazing to have such a huge news event that is so positive. It's a truly inspirational story that boasts lessons of hope, faith, teamwork, compassion, and perseverance. I just can't get over how wonderful it is that each and every single miner made it out, and that all of them remained a team throughout the entire ordeal, even arranging a contract with a lawyer to ensure no one miner makes more money off the experience than the others.

Not all childhood dreams fade away

When I was little, I begged my parents to sign me up for ballet lessons. My dad once agreed to sign me up, but it never happened. I can't really blame them. I had a lot of interests as a kid (surprise, surprise, right?), and they couldn't sign me up for everything I wanted to try.

I was always disappointed that I never got to take ballet though. They even let me do figure skating for a while, but never ballet. I'm sure that had something to do with the fact that I already had Polish folk dancing, but that didn't make me feel any better, really.

Now that I'm 21 and all grown up (more or less), I still can't help but wish I had gotten to take ballet. I love Polish dancing, don't get me wrong, but I just feel like people don't really take that seriously. Not only that, but it just doesn't feel quite as graceful.

I also just feel like I could make more progress with some sort of official dance class. I love the group to pieces, but I get so frustrated with how slowly we have to take things, and I hate how sloppy some of the dances are (well, most of them, really). People just don't seem to care enough.

Anyway, there's nothing like a frustrating rehearsal to bring a girl back to her childhood dreams.

"Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do.
Attitude determines how well you do it."

-Lou Holtz

An old poem from high school

My Meeting with the Sky

Before the sun rises over the earth
I rub away the sleep from my tired eyes
And with the youth and strength I gained at birth
Prepare for my meeting with the pure skies
The rhythmic pattern of my pounding feet
Slowly begins to match that of my heart
The harmony this brings is a real treat
Before the stress can tear my day apart
I feel as if I could float with the breeze
And glide gracefully through-out all of time
I'm all alone as I fly by the trees
And long-stemmed aromas right in their prime
My problems disappear in that short hour
And I become revived with all the power

It's about time I brush up on my "real" blogging skills

I now get to blog as part of my job, and I'm very excited about it. After a meeting and a few discussions, though, I realized that I seem to have separate standards for professional blogging and my personal blog.

Sooooo, since I needed to determine which blog site to use for the NOD blog, and since I needed to make sure I would be able to design it the way I want, I did a little re-vamping. I also decided to take better care of this personal blog.

Look at me using my college education. :)

I never thought I'd say it...

...but I really miss editing the Cardinal.

I know it was probably the most stressful and time-consuming responsibility I took on at SMU, and I got so sick of it by the end, but the truth is, it was one of my most rewarding experiences. The fact that I got past all the stress and that I ended up with a tangible result of all the time and effort I put in made it all worth it. I could look at the completed newspaper and feel the satisfaction of knowing my work actually did something. My decisions and instructions to others and attention to detail really served a purpose. I also loved that I was a leader. People turned to me for advice and for quick problem solving, and I had to answer. I had to think critically and put in 100% every time, knowing that the finished product would be seen by students, professors, staff, prospective students, administration, families, alumni, and trustees. There was also an added presure of knowing that I wasn't only representing myself. My name was not the only one on those pages. The rest of the Cardinal staff depended on the other editors and me to take the hard work they put in and present it in a clean, professional manner. When I made edits to stories, it affected the reputation of the writer more than my own. When I missed edits in stories, it did the same.

It might have been incredibly frustrating and downright daunting at times, but it was all for a clear purpose. There was a reason for every sleep-deprived minute I spent in that office. There was a reason for every hang-out opportunity I missed or every run I didn't have time for. I had priorities, and I had to manage my time and work efficiently. I had to stay on top of things and keep everyone else moving. I had to clearly communicate with the writers, editors, advisor, and anyone who was somehow impacted by a story. I had to make some pretty tough decisions, and I had to stand by them, even if I later realized they might not have been the best decisions.

I had to come up with new ideas, and I had to fairly deliberate the ideas of others. I had to tell people things they didn't want to hear, and I had to be persistent to get things accomplished in time. I also had to effectively work as a team with the other editors while still maintaining my authority in the few occasions in which that was necessary.

It was such a pain at times, but I gained so much from my time as a Cardinal editor. I thought I could happily say "good riddance" at the end of it, but I really miss that feeling I got when all was said and done and that paper was in my hands. Heck, sometimes I miss that gut-wrenching feeling that I got when it was getting down to the wire and I knew I had to do or finish something or the whole system would break down.

Even though I didn't end up working directly in the journalism field, I'm really glad I took on that responsibility and stuck with it after it drove me all but crazy.

Post-grad revelations

• Life is so much more enjoyable when you take the time to just breathe.
• I don't have to be in full control of everything.
• I really was overwhelmed beyond belief last year and should have given a few things up.
• By the end, I really wasn't enjoying all of my activities as much as I told people I was.
• Yoga is amazing.
• Thinking is good. Doing is better.
• Sleep is very important. You miss more by not getting enough sleep and lacking energy than you do by being asleep at a reasonable hour.
• Spin classes are amazing.
• Tea is delicious.
• My favorite memories from college involve fun people and spontaneous adventures. My least favorite memories involve stressing over making everything fit in my schedule. It takes effort to remember working on homework, writing papers, or studying.
• Other good college memories involve the classes I was prepared and well-rested for, and therefore able to participate in fully.
• I was sad to leave high school and then found college to be 100 times better. I was sad to leave college and find the "real world" even better than that. The lesson? Always be excited about life and changes and new steps.
• It's not that hard to override negative thoughts with positive ones.
• Doing dishes isn't that bad of a chore.
• It really does pay to have a work-out buddy.
• There's a lot of really great music out there. It is not found on KDWB or B96.
• I really like spending time with my sister... usually.
• It's hard to see my sister as an adult, even though I know it drives me nuts when people don't see me as an adult.
• Fall is the best season.
• Apple butter is delicious. So are pumpkin lattes.
• The reason people don't care about stupid little things is that they are stupid little things.
• It doesn't take that long to think before you complain.
• You will never be able to appreciate any kind of progress you make if you're comparing yourself to others. The only comparisons you should make are against yourself, and you should always be striving to better yourself.
• "Look skinnier" is not a valid life goal. Eat healthier, sleep better, breathe deeper, smile more often, take pride in the things you do to take care of yourself... these are much better goals.
• Always expect unexpected costs to pop up.
• Being busy all the time does not mean you are living life to its fullest.

I thought graduation would hit me during senior week. Then I thought it would happen at the graduation ceremony or as we moved our stuff out of the village. When that didn't happen, I thought it would hit me over the summer. Then I figured it would for sure hit me when everyone else moved back to SMU without us. Finally, I thought it would hit me when I returned campus to visit. I thought I would feel really sad and really wish I could go back.

I didn't. It was nice to go back for a bit and see people, and it was interesting to see some of the changes since we left in May. I wasn't sad though. Not at all. I didn't feel a pang of jealousy for everyone who's still in college, as I had expected. I didn't find myself wishing I were still involved in the different clubs and activities that ran my life.

I didn't feel like an outsider either. That was surprising too. I figured if I didn't feel like I should still be a student that I would feel like an outsider, a visitor. That wasn't the case though. I still feel like a part of the SMU family, but I'm still more than happy to be done with the student part. I'm happy to not have to worry about homework and studying and making it to class. I'm happy to not have to worry about balancing my responsibilities in my activities with my social life and running schedule. I'm happy that my extra activites now are basically things I want to do, and for most of them, I don't have to go if I don't want to... which just makes it easier to want to be there.

This whole transition from college life to the "real world" has been so much easier than I ever expected. :)

It's not that I'm too picky. It's not that I'm too independent. It's not that I'm anti-love or anti-romance. It's not that my standards are too high. It's not that I have "back off" stamped across my forehead. It's not that I have trust issues or expect all guys to be jerks and liars. It's not that I'm afraid of commitment. It's not that I'm unloveable. It's not that I'm too busy. It's not even that I like being single right now.

It's that I'm patient.

I haven't met a guy yet who's really worth taking a significant amount of my time away from my friends and family - the people in my life who have been around and will continue to be around. I know what I want out of a real relationship, and I have yet to find someone who I think I could have that with.

So I stick to talking, flirting, and just hanging out and having fun. I keep my family and friends at #1 and keep my wits about me.

I don't worry about being alone forever. I don't think I will be. It's not something I need to worry about right now, so I don't.

I'm patient. It may be the only thing in my life that I'm patient about, but I think love is one thing really worth being patient for.

So people can feel sorry for me if they want. They can worry about me or shrug me off as an ultra-independent feminist. They can keep telling me that I need to meet a "nice boy" right now and get married and all that jazz. They can keep up the annoying "any boyfriend?" questions. They can think whatever they want. In the end, I know I'll be the happy one.

It's very comforting to know that finishing college was just the beginning. I may not live with/next door to/near my friends anymore, but that definitely doesn't mean I won't see them anymore or that we can't still be super close. This weekend proved that. I think I can finally feel like I have some closure with graduating. :)

Let it go?

It's weird how all of the stress, anxiety, business, and pressure of this semester (well, this year really) ended so abruptly. Activities are over forever, the lacrosse season ended, classes and projects are done with, and grades are in. Now it's senior week, and my only concern is having fun and saying goodbyes before graduation Saturday. Stress from back home pretty much went away at the same time as school stress died down too. You'd think it would be a complete relief to suddenly not be worrying all the time, but it just feels weird. Too abrupt. I can't completely relax because I'm afraid I'm missing something that I should be worrying about. There was so much going on this year, and I got used to being worn down and distracted. Now I just find myself taking stock of the year and thinking about just how jam-packed it was. I still have a lot on my mind...

It's senior week though, and I only have a few more days as an undergrad at Saint Mary's... just a few more days with my roommates and some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for.

Are we there yet?

I can't wait to graduate and have my own space and not be talked down to like a little kid.

I've been in a less-than-chipper mood the last few days. Okay, I've been a little moody in general since spring break ended. Being away from my classes and responsibilities for a while was nice, and having my own room - my own space - again was nice. I'm just feeling really homesick and am seriously lacking sufficient 'me' time. Maybe that's why I'm never really productive when I have large chunks of time during the day (like now). It's the only time I have to myself to do what I want to do and/or watch what I want to watch without having to compete with what other people want to do. As stubborn as I can be, I'm not one to make a big deal about noise or music or tv or other little things that bother me. That's a little surprising (even to me) considering the things I do turn into a big deal... at least with my closest friends. I guess I'd rather be a little annoying about things that don't affect them than start some kind of argument over something that does have to do with them.

I want to run, but I want to take advantage of my time alone in the village. I suppose I should clean since we're apparently having two visitors this weekend, with one coming today (all of which I found out last night). I should work on homework too... and the Cardinal. I should run to the store for stuff I'm running out of. I want to nap, but I should maybe just make some coffee instead. I want to go for a 4 hour walk like I used to do when I had so much on my mind, but a) I don't have that kind of time, and b) if I'm going to walk, I might as well run. I wish I had time for both.

I'm rapidly losing motivation to train for and run my marathon. I've already gotten so far behind, and I just don't like what a chore running has gotten to be. I still love it, but when things get busy and I'm fighting to fit it into my schedule in my only "down" time, it's really hard to enjoy it. If I had nothing else to do it'd be a different story.

I just feel really... blah.

What do you stay awake for?

I've always loved Caribou's little saying, "Life is short, stay awake for it." Today when I went to get coffee, I saw they had a post-it pad that had, "What do you stay awake for?" on each sheet. They had markers out, and people had written in what they stay awake for and posted their sheets around the counter. I wasn't sure what I stay awake for, besides life in general. It really got me thinking though.

A lot of people listed people in their lives, specifically kids and spouses. I suppose I could say my family and friends. Some people put happy-go-lucky things like sunshine and life. I could say that... but I think people think I'm too cynical to believe that. I could say adventure, but apparently I don't strike some people as the adventurous type. I could say my future students, but I'd feel like a fraud since I don't think people understand yet how excited I am to be a teacher (and how long I've actually had it in mind). I could say running, but I almost never run in the mornings. I could say my activities, but they're not really what I look forward to the most anymore. I guess my family and friends really would be my answer. They're the most important to me, and they're always my priority.

I like that the new Caribou cups come with little sayings all over them. A few of them:

• laugh so hard you cry
• make time for silly
• eat when you are hungry, nap when you are tired
• make today special
• compliment a stranger
• do it for love, not profit
• grow older without ever growing up
• thank a teacher
• continue more conversations offline
• listen 1st, talk 2nd
• learn to dance a jig
• start right now
• take all your vacation days
• dance to your own rhythm
• be a hero minus the dorky cape
• smile first, ask questions later
• follow your heart

Okay, so that was all but maybe 3 from this cup. There are just a few that don't really apply to me.

:)

"Silence is essential for thought."

I may be a very social person, but I am definitely lacking in alone time. I think I just need a little breathing space. I've spent too many years overcompensating for the time in my life when I got too much alone time.

I was a very lonely kid. On the one hand, my imagination was allowed to roam wild without the hassels of explaining ideas or following someone else's ideas. On the other hand, I was just sad and lonely. It probably didn't help that I wasn't the invisible lonely kid. I was the punching bag, and I was in desperate need of a friend.

Somehow I transitioned from that to an overly-involved, constantly-surrounded-by-someone people person. At home there are always people to see. At school there are always classes, meetings, and work to get to. Then there's time spent talking to people I don't see nearly enough of. Once all that's done, I get to see my roommates a bit... and I swear I see them far less than when I didn't live with them. I don't spend enough time on homework because I'm always busy, and when I finally do get a moment alone, I use the time to think, get applications done, research (not for school though; I research my options in life or my general wonderings about the world).

I am now desperately in need of some 'me' time. I need to go for longer runs, start taking walks again, watch tv (stuff I actually want to watch), and read for fun. I need time when I'm not stressing over whether or not something should run in the Cardinal or what kind of poster I should make for the next SAC event. I need a chance to put some real time into my readings for class and really delve into the stuff I actually find fascinating. I need to figure out what I want in life. I already know I need to go with the flow (it's been working for me so far, even when I've tried to plan), but I don't even know what my priorities are. A soon-to-be college graduate should have some idea of what her priorities are. I need to be comfortable and confident with who I am as a person. I am to quite a big extent, but I need to understand it all better. I need to fully trust myself.

I think part of my trouble with trusting people is that I don't fully trust myself. How can I trust someone if I think he/she can change who I am as a person. Not just change my life or affect my decisions, but completely change my very essence. I need to trust that I'm still me, even if someone dissappoints me or breaks my heart.

Now that I'm not going bowling tomorrow night, I think I need to devote it to finally getting caught up from when I was sick and to finishing up applications. I am going to stay on top of things for my last few weeks of college, and I am going to take advantage of any free time I can salvage.

To volunteer, or not to volunteer... ?

I am 100% sure that I am going to be a high school English teacher. I realize now that it's the only thing that really makes sense. Sure, there are other things I can still do, but nothing else would capture all my talents and passions quite like teaching would. It's my calling; I'm sure of it.

So the long term plan is figured out. I also know I want to do my MA in Instruction at Saint Mary's. I know I want to do it in Winona rather than in the Twin Cities too.

What I don't know yet is whether or not to volunteer first.

I had it all figured out. I was going to volunteer for a year, then get my Master's, and then teach. Now I'm not so sure. I've been going back and forth about long-term volunteering for two years now, and that uncertainty alone makes me feel uneasy about the committment.

I love volunteering, and I would love to go back to the Gulf Coast after my experience in Biloxi freshman year. I love the idea of helping people and focusing completely on service, and I feel... well, I feel like I'm the "type" of person that would do it. I also wonder if I will regret not doing it if I choose to go right to grad school.

I don't like having a 24/7 schedule for my life, and I worry a lot about living in community. I definitely need my own space, and I need to be able to dictate my life at least a little bit. Living in community might teach me to give up some control and to be more open to others, but I really fear that it will keep me from putting my whole heart into the experience. I don't like the idea of only being home for Christmas and Easter (especially if it will be at my own expense). I hate the idea of being away from my family and potentially not having a lot of time to talk to them. I don't like that I would miss out on dancing with my group in Poland next summer, but I feel like that might sound like a stupid reason to be apprehensive (even though my dance group is like my family... and a good chunk actually is my family... and I have been looking forward to this since I was 10).

I almost wonder if I was only considering volunteering so strongly to get me thinking in a way that would lead me to realize I need to be a teacher. Besides, as a teacher I could volunteer for a few weeks over the summer (a la Volunteer Services/S.O.U.L. trip)... I feel like I would be more comfortable with that kind of committment. I also wonder if I am just getting too excited about teaching and am therefore looking for reasons to not volunteer. I really don't think that's it though.

I'm really not sure about long-term volunteering anymore. I've never been 100% sure. It's been one of those things I get excited about and then get bored with (like every other potential career I considered before acknowledging how much I want to be a teacher). I feel bad though. I feel like the very fact that I ever considered long-term volunteering means that I have to... like I'll be a bad person now if I don't. Well, maybe not a bad person, but I guess I'd feel selfish? I don't know...

Either way, I'm running out of time to figure it out.

www.freerice.com

The Plan

I think I've figured it out. I know what I want to do with my life, more or less. There's still room for flexibility, which is good, but I definitely know where I'm going now. I've never felt so sure before. My parents might not be super happy, but I'd rather make a difference than make money. Anyway, I'm not going to go publicizing it where they can come across it until I've talked to them about it. (I've had issues with that and this very blog before.)

I can say that as long as I get all appropriate applications filled out, I may just have the next year figured out. I'll work at Nacel for at least the first couple of months (especially since I have the marathon May 30), and then I'm pretty sure I want to go to Poland for those language classes... That means I need to get on those applications and scholarships ASAP (if only I had time for ASAP!). Then I want to volunteer for a year. I'm working on a few leads. I'm open to pretty much anywhere and anything, but I would definitely prefer to go to Mississippi where I can help with hurricane relief. There are other options that might work out better with what I have planned for after that.

Whatever. Let it be. :)

Why is it that while I'm running my thoughts can be clear and organized, but the minute I stop they jumble right back together before I have a chance to talk or write about them and remember what I figured out while running?

I have a problem with not wanting to sleep at night, even if I'm very tired and know it will negatively affect my efficiency the next day. It's the only time I have to myself to just think. Well, besides while I'm running. I'd rather put off the next jam-packed day. I can't wait to be done with all the classes and meetings. I might still be busy after graduation, but I feel like it won't be so random and won't be the same kind of busy.

Tonight's excuse though is watching the re-run of the Olympic Closing Ceremony since I missed it the first time. :)

Why I can't quit.

I've had some very intense and overwhelming times in my 3 years here, especially this year, and the advice I constantly get is to quit something, to cut down. I've realized that I'm tired of being constantly busy and would love more time to really delve into a few of my favorite classes and to spend more time with people I won't get to see nearly as much after graduation.

The problem is, I can't quit. I love my activities, and I love being involved.

lacrosse: The first activity people tell me to quit is lacrosse. I just started it this year, it takes up about 4 hours of my week, and it will take up numerous weekends starting next month. I can't quit lacrosse though. I love being a part of a team again, I love the sport itself, and most importantly, I love my teammates. I refuse to ditch out on them, and I have had such a blast getting to know them! It's one of my only activities that I don't do with my closer friends, and I love that little escape from my world and the chance I've had to meet some different, absolutely wonderful people. I can't quit lacrosse.

the Cardinal: I am editor in chief. I would hope that would be enough reason to explain why I can't quit the Cardinal. I love being able to take what I've been learning in class for 3 years and applying it to something real. I love seeing my name in print, and I absolutely love helping underclassmen improve their writing and seeing their progression throughout the year. It's amazing to see how quickly they improve, and it makes me realize how much I've learned over the years. I also like finding new information on campus (or as new as anything at SMU can remain) and providing that information for others. I can't quit the Cardinal.

SAC: I'm on eboard, and although I'm sure we could find a replacement publicity co-chair, I think that would be an unnecessary hassle for the whole club. SAC was my absolute favorite activity freshman year, and it was one of my favorites last year. It will always hold a special place in my heart. I love asking other students on campus what kinds of events they'd like to see and being able to tell them that I can actually suggest those ideas to the committee. I love being able to prepare activities for other students so they can just show up and enjoy, and I love the people I've met on SAC. I've met some of my closest friends through SAC (well, through SAC and Kelli, but SAC was still really important there). Plus, I designed the logo for the t-shirts we're getting this year. :) I can't quit SAC.

senate: Again, I'm on eboard. It wouldn't be right for a vp to just quit. Besides, I love it. I love being on university committees and really being able to represent the students and students' needs. I love knowing everything going on around campus and having a real say in things. I love being a part of decision making and having some sense of control over what happens to my fellow students and me while we're here. It may take up more of my time, but it is definitely well worth it. I can't quit senate.

senior class gift committee: Meetings are short and only once a week, and Bob encouraged me to go because he actually wants the busiest students on the committee. I'm excited to be able to discuss the needs of students in general while coming up with the class of 2010's gift. We get to leave our own little legacy, and I'm very happy to be a part of that. I can't quit the class gift committee.

volunteer mentors: Service has become a very important part of my life. It's my biggest connection to the Lasallian mission of the university, it's how I feel God's presence the most (well, that and while I'm enjoying nature), it's how I've met some of my closest friends/strengthened my relationship with others, and it's how I feel most like a truly productive and compassionate member of society. I love helping other students find that connection with volunteering, and I love talking to students about their volunteer experiences and encouraging them to keep it up. I can't quit volunteer mentors.

TEC: TEC is basically done for me, but I still feel the need to talk about it. It was very time-consuming to organize this year's TEC, and being a leader this year required much more energy than being a table leader did last year. TEC is where I most strongly feel a sense of community and belonging. I first felt a connection to SMU when I went on TEC freshman year, and that connection is still there. I have met so many amazing people through TEC, and I am very grateful for my experiences in the 4 retreats I've been a part of. My relationship with God has gotten so much stronger through TEC, and I've been able to better understand the Lasallian values we learn about in our LCT classes. I could not have quit TEC.

TRBD: The benefit dance is one of the most amazing things we do on this campus, and I am very proud to be a part of it. It is the epitome of our Lasallian mission to take what we have and give it to someone in our SMU community who is in need. I love seeing everyone come together to help while also enjoying the festive celebration that is the actual dance. I can't quit TRBD.

phonathon: It may have started out as a much-needed job, but phono has become much more than that. Again, I have met some amazing people through phono, and I have gained a lot of confidence in talking on the phone (which was one of my biggest fears at the start of the year). I love talking to parents and alumni and hearing how much the university still means to them so many years later. I've heard great stories of people's time here, and I've heard how their time here still affects their lives now. I've heard the saddest stories of financial struggles followed by a generous pledge. It is one of the most heartwarming things I do here at Saint Mary's, and it has completely taken me by surprise. I may need the job and the money that comes with it, but even without that, I can't quit phonathon.

I have had to drop a handful of activites and organizations on campus, and each has been a brutal decision. I have gotten so much out of my extra-curriculars, and that's why it's not as easy as quitting something. I can handle a little stress every now and then. It's worth it for the friends, life lessons, and overall experiences I've gained from my activities.

What can I do for SMU?

How have I really contributed to Saint Mary's University? What lasting impact have I made in my three years here? I've always thought I've accomplished a lot, even with one fewer year under my belt, but now I'm wondering if I could have done more.

There could have been another Cardinal editor in chief. There were plenty of other applicants to be Volunteer Mentors. Someone else could be a publicity chair for the Student Activities Committee. Molly could have chosen another co-chair for the Taylor Richmond Benefit Dance last year, and Beth could have asked Molly to head the 10th Anniversary Committee this year. There are plenty of others on the Senior Class Gift Committee, and Bob could have hired someone else for Phonathon. Anyone else could have run for student senate vice president for academic affairs and done just fine. The lacrosse team would survive without me. Someone else could have been asked to co-lead the TEC retreat too.

I have had to quit Habitat for Humanity, PR/Business Club, intramurals, and sports webcasting because of a lack of time, and FAC seems to have disappeared completely.

If I hadn't decided to do a fundraiser for Haiti and used Volunteer Mentors to get it going, I'm sure someone else would have. Others have done fundraisers already.

So what have I really done for the university? How have I left my mark? Why am I here? What can I do with my last four months?

I feel like it would have been easy to not be in so many activities and spend all my time doing homework, hanging out, working, and letting others take care of events and activities for me, but that's just not me. Not only that, I think I've gotten a lot more out of the Lasallian mission of the university out of my involvement and the service activities I've been able to take part in. I had never even heard the term Lasallian before coming to SMU, and now I feel like it is a very important thing in my life.

I know that I want to continue to volunteer for the rest of my life, and I know that I have a better awareness for those less fortunate than me who need my help. I have a very strong bond with my inner community at SMU, and I can hardly think of anyone here whom I despise. I also think my faith is stronger than it ever could have been had I not come here and participated in some of my activities.

I have gotten a lot out of Saint Mary's in my three years here. Now I have about four months to figure out how I can give some of that back. I don't want to leave any unfinished business here in May.

TEC talk

It's 2:30 in the morning, and I'm really not all that tired. I have a lot on my mind. I feel like all I can focus on lately is my TEC talk, my future (though not as much as I have this year), or my insecurities. I'm more than a little disgusted that all three of those began with "my." I just can't stop thinking about some of it. Especially my TEC talk, which I need to have ready by Sunday.

I'm giving a discipleship talk, and apparently I'm supposed to talk about the call to holiness and prayer, service, and mission. When I asked Lynn for advice to at least be able to focus my thoughts, she mentioned thinking about holiness in relation to my life, and when I said I don't think of myself as leading a holy life, she asked me why. I feel like using the word 'holy' automatically makes the whole thing very intimidating. I could easily talk about my faith in general and about how much stronger it's gotten lately. I could easily talk about prayer and how big a part it plays in my life (though I'd feel a little awkward saying that I pray a lot... it just doesn't feel like the kind of thing you talk about). I could talk about service, but I'd feel like a hypocrite or something. I don't stay very on top of things when it comes to my monthly volunteer opportunity I have to plan, and I tend to avoid things that will require more work. I complain about having to get up early for them, and I get grumpy about having to go. Of course, that all changes once I'm actually there volunteering, and that's what keeps me coming back, but I don't think I have the right attitude about volunteering.

Then there's the 'mission' aspect of the talk... the 'calling,' really. I'm never really sure what God is calling me to do, and I certainly don't know what my overall calling in life is. I don't know my purpose yet. I know that's okay, but it bothers me that I can't think of how to incorporate it into my talk.

The worst part is that this talk involves things I find to be very personal for me, and I'm not sure if I have stories or anecdotes to go with it. I don't want to preach to the TECites about what they should do if I'm not even sure I do it right, but I don't necessarily have any specific struggles that I overcame to get there. Okay, so that might be a lie, but I'm not really sure if it is. Let's just say I've gotten pretty good at repressing memories. I'm not really sure how big an effect certain moments had on my faith life.

Then there's the problem that thinking about these less-than-pleasant memories has me feeling the way I used to feel about myself and my life. It doesn't consume me in the same way, but it's constantly there, and it kind of makes me see things now in a different light.

My biggest fear with this talk is that I'm going to turn it into something all about me and not necessarily keep the best interests of the TECites in mind. TEC weekend is for them. These talks are meant to help them. They're not our personal therapy sessions. I'm so worried about keeping their best interests in mind that I can't think clearly about what I do need to say. It's s distracting, and then when I do have ideas, they flood me all at once to the point that I am so overwhelmed I can't think about it anymore. I need to just get everything else done so I can sit down and map out my thoughts, but that won't happen with the deadline this weekend and other priorities.

I just can't wait until it's all sorted out and ready to present.

I'm glad my personal life is soooo funny to people.

I've often wondered if I'm wrong for not trusting others, but I'm constantly reminded why I don't.