Exploring Options

There are definitely downsides to pursuing a career in journalism. Newspapers are lacking in subscriptions and laying people off. Reporters work long hours and weekends. Hours are inconsistent, and pay is not that great.

One of the reporters at the Winona Daily News came here from Pennsylvania because he couldn't find a reporting job there.

I graduate in a year and a half. With a degree in journalism.

I freaked out a bit and am looking at other options. I'm looking at publication companies... I did want to be a publisher at one point in time. I'm looking at many different kinds of jobs, different graduate degrees and programs, and different grad schools.

I love journalism and the idea of working for a newspaper, but I'm also absolutely terrified that I'm going to hate it or regret it. When I interviewed with my editor at the Daily News, his first question for me was, "why journalism?" He seemed so skeptical about the idea of someone choosing this career path.

I have skills that reach well beyond a newsroom. There is a lot I can do. I just have to figure out what it is I want to do and should do. I need to start thinking about career fairs and other kinds of internships. I need to think about taking the GRE and figuring out applications and money for grad school. I can't possibly think about saving up for a joy trip to Europe. That was a really irresponsible idea. It would be amazing, but it's just not possible.

I need to seriously buckle down and get to work. I need to make sure I'm making good decisions that will help me in the long run.

**On the bright side, Lily did some researching last night and found that our February break trip to Mexico next year could cost as little as $600 for airfare and hotel! That's a splurge I am definitely making room for in my plans (and I have over a year to save up for it).

I spent a lot of time today thinking about the stuff I still miss about high school (volleyball, speech, and AP Psych second semester with all my best friends). I don't miss high school at all. I would never want to go back. I just find myself occasionally thinking about things that defined my life back then that aren't even a part of my life now. I don't get sad about it anymore. I love things so much better the way they are now. It's just weird to me that the things I focussed on the most just disappeared after graduation (well, way before that even).

I love the things I'm finding out about myself now, and I love how much more confident I am. I love being able to try so many new things and being in so many different activities.

Most of all, I love my group of friends. I love that I've managed to find a group as crazy and random as I am. I'm glad I get to do all kinds of different things with them... we don't always just sit around watching tv or listening to music. We have dance parties, go to Perkins, hang out by the river, eat dessert in the back of a pickup truck, hike up to the rock, lay outside looking at the stars, and play in the snow. I love that I don't really have to feel stupid if I say something a little off. I love how much we laugh. I love how open I can be with them.

I had a great group of friends in high school too, but it felt a little more divided and had a little more drama. Plus, I couldn't help but be a little cautious with some of the things I said or wanted to do. I still love those girls a ton, but my college friends feel more like a family. We see each other ALL the time and eat lunch and dinner together. We're there for every little thing. It's just a little different.

I don't know. Somehow I managed to pick the absolute perfect college and am having exactly the experience I wanted, if not better. :)

Life is good.

Today I slept until noon. Yesterday I slept until almost noon. I usually hate sleeping past 10 at the latest, but it felt really good to just lie in bed for a while.

I chatted with my sister a bit today. I love our random little chats. They mostly revolve around her and her life, but I'm okay with that. I like feeling like we can be friends. I already know that if we weren't sisters, we probably wouldn't be friends. I guess that's why it's a good thing we're sisters.

I had a really good conversation with my mom on Christmas Eve while we made uszki (like pierogi, but smaller and shaped like pig ears... they go in the barszcz- beet soup) for Wigilia (Christmas Eve dinner). I don't think I've had that good a conversation with my mom in years, if ever. I learned a lot about her. It was great.

I think this was one of the best Christmases of my life. Spending time with my mom was nice, and dinner with the whole family was great. I got through the food better than in previous years (we have to have a little bit of everything, including herring and saurkraut... and I hate both), and it felt like everyone got along a lot better than usual. Midnight mass was nice, and Christmas day was very relaxed. There weren't many gifts (though I did get a navigation thing for my car!), so we pretty much just hung out as a family. I also got to play Apples to Apples with my sister, dad, cousin, and uncle.

Today I helped Adrienne with her speech. It was a lot of fun... I definitely still miss competing a little bit. I'm glad she liked my topic idea though! When we read the book about the history of marriage at school, I was bummed I had never thought of the topic in high school. Now Adrienne gets to use it! I think she'll have a lot of fun with it.

I've decided that curling my hair is my new favorite thing.

I think I'm going to make cookies tomorrow... :)

$$$

I want to travel. I was supposed to go to Poland at least 3 times in the last 5 years and haven't. I could have gone to Costa Rica or Spain in high school but didn't. I planned on studying abroad in college but won't. I want to do the 3 weeks in Italy in May but can't. I would love to do the service trip to Africa this summer but know it's really not possible. I haven't been out of the country since Australia when I was 12. I haven't gone on a real out-of-state vacation since I was 13. I went to Biloxi, which was awesome. I want to do a few more service trips around the country before graduating. I was supposed to do so much more travelling by now. I won't get to do much once I'm working.

Speaking of, I'm starting to seriously worry about my career choice. I know I would make a really good copy editor, but I don't know if I could convince an employer to give me the chance to show it. I'm scared that I'll be stuck at small-town newspapers writing 7 days a week about small-town "news." I'm scared I'll have to struggle to make ends meet and that I'll never be able to afford the kinds of trips I want to take. I'm afraid I won't have time for my family... I'm afraid I won't make enough for it to be financially possible to have a big family. I'm suddenly worrying about big things that I've never really thought of before.

I love writing, and I love the idea of editing, but I'm starting to wonder if it's the best idea. I'd be good at it.... I'd be good at a lot of things, I think. I'm a hard worker and a fast learner. I'm just afraid I won't find a job where I'll be able to use my talents, be happy, and live comfortably. I want to be able to work hard while still having time for family and volunteering. I'll want to be able to go to kids' sports games and eat dinner as a family and help with homework. I know it's a long way off, but everything I do in the next 3 semesters will greatly affect my future.

I'm going to be working a lot more next semester, and I'll be saving up for spring break next year. I think I'm going to really work on saving in general. I'm going to be so much more responsible with my money. Part of me wants to try to save up enough for a trip to Europe after graduation before worrying about "real life." I think it would be worth it. I have plenty of clothes and can limit my shopping dramatically (after buying that one pair of boots I really want from Old Navy with the money I got from my grandma for Christmas). I know people don't generally like giving money for birthdays and Christmas, so I'll still have minor indulgences. I don't need to order pizza or Erbs&Gerbs as much, and I can do the whole water-only when going to Perkins with friends. I can be creative about hanging out with friends to try to avoid spending money. I can limit how often I go to Caribou. I can work as much as possible and spend as little as possible and try to save up enough for a post-graduation trip. I bet if I save up most of the money I could convince my parents (and probably my grandma) to help out a bit as a graduation present. I really just want to take advantage of being young and mostly worry-free while I can.

The only set-backs to the plan are: A) I'll have to spend a good amount on next year's spring break trip, and B) I probably won't be able to move out of my parents' house if I spend my money on Europe. I guess I'll just start saving and see where I am in about 17 months. (I'm graduating from college in just about 17 months.... Wow.)

I buy so much crap I don't need anyway. I won't completely restrict myself from buying stuff... that would only tempt me to spend more. I just like having a specific reason to save. Thinking "Europe" will be more effective than thinking "you don't really need it."

Of course, I also have to worry about school, scholarships, and loans.

Why does so much in life have to revolve around money?

On a brighter note, I had a fantastic Christmas! I really love spending time with my family, and it was nice to have a Christmas morning that didn't revolve around gifts. I think last night was my favorite Christmas Eve in a long time too. :)

New Year's Eve might be two weeks away, but I already have my resolution. Instead of trying to change something about me, I'm going to work on loving myself the way I am. That's not to say I can't make changes. That doesn't mean I can't work out more. It just means I'm going to stop judging myself and start being totally, 100% comfortable with the way I look/act/am. I'm not even going to let myself make another resolution, because I really want to focus on this.

I'm halfway done with college. Three semesters down, three semesters to go. By this time next year, I'll be on my last Christmas vacation and preparing for my last semester. I'm both terrified and incredibly excited.

Sometimes I feel like I'm far too self-involved. I feel like there are things going on with my friends that I should be realizing sooner. I feel like I should listen more and pay more attention to the people around me. I always thought I was pretty good at this, but I've had a few reminders in the last few years that I'm not doing all that great a job. I hate the thought that people I care about are going through all kinds of shit and I have no idea.

On a similar note, sometimes I feel incredibly guilty for being so happy. I hate knowing that there are many people out there who are suffering, and I wish I could help them feel as happy and blessed as I feel. Sometimes I take it for granted, which makes me feel worse. I am so unbelievably lucky, and that's part of the reason why I made the resolution I did. I have no reason to be self-conscious and self-depricating. I have no reason to be angry about something as petty as my appearance. I'm getting a lot better about this. I no longer run as a punishment for myself or as an unpleasant way to try to lose weight. Now I run because I enjoy it and because it's a challenge. Anyway, I wish I could take my happiness and give it to someone who is struggling. I've been in that place where you hate yourself and everything connected to you. I got past it. I want to trade with someone who can't get past it. I want them to stop hurting and be as happy as I am while I pull myself out of their pain the way I learned to pull myself out. I guess the problem with that is that my pain was probably much smaller than most people's pain. It felt pretty low at the time, but I've grown up and gained some perspective. That was such a temporary unhappiness. I thought it was the end of the world, but it was barely even a thunderstorm. Meanwhile, people live with a hurricane's worth of pain. People downright drown in their own misery, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. I can't even take my friends' hurt away for them.

How dare I gloat about how perfect my life is? How dare I complain about the cafeteria food at school? How dare I feel lonely and sad every now and then for no real reason? How dare I ask anyone for anything when I already have more than enough?

I think the worst thing about all of this is that I realize I should do something but still do nothing.

Sometimes I really disgust myself. (Not the same kind of disgust I'm avoiding with my resolution though.)

I wish I would take a risk. I wish I would really do something that would make some kind of difference. I wish I would stop being so selfish and spend more time thinking about ways to help other people.

I think I need to stop wishing and start acting...

Why do people only feel badly about how they treated someone after they feel sorry for them for something else? Why do people only feel absolutely terrible about a simple fight with a friend after learning she's been struggling with other problems? Why do people only feel a sense of responsibility for their actions when they feel pity for someone?

Why is it so much easier to blame yourself for something that is not your fault but causes great harm than it is to take the blam for something that is your fault but only causes little harm?

Why do some people go to drastic measures that other people would be terrified to attempt?

Why am I so comfortable enjoying my happy life full of everything I need and then some when I know there are so many people out there who do not have anything they need and would never even imagine having anything more than the bare necessities?

Why don't I try to do anything about any of this if it bothers me so much?

Day one of finals is over. My Geography final took half an hour... and I am done with that class forever. Thank goodness. I like geography, but I hated that class.

I got my take-home Spanish final done and had to sit through a 2-hour creepy Spanish movie because the professor takes university rules way too seriously. But it's ok, because I don't have to take Spanish again until next spring, and I won't ever have to take another Spanish lit. class.

Tomorrow I have no finals. I'm giving a tour in the morning and then doing some Christmas shopping. I have not done any shopping yet. It's going to be sad to see all my money go... haha.

Anyway... now I just have to finish my LCT paper and take my Media Law and Reporting II finals (which will pretty much be the same final). I hate that every semester has involved my last final being at 8am Tuesday. Whatever... I'm not necessarily in that big a rush to go home. I definitely can't wait though.

It's weird to think that after Tuesday I'll be exactly half done with college. 3 semesters down, only 3 more to go. This semester went sooo quickly, but last year feels like it was ages ago. I guess the beginning of the semester kind of feels like it was a long time ago... which is weird considering it feels like it went so fast.

Another thing that's weird is how different I feel. As the year goes I don't notice it so much, but whenever I stop and look back just a few months I find that I've changed so much. It's all for the better though, which is good. I feel much more confident and quite a bit more responsible... at least over myself. I'm finally starting to prioritize and manage my time better, and I'm learning just how much I'd rather be involved than have a lot of free time. I'm getting better at not letting things bother me, and when they do I let them go much faster. I think more about my actions, and I really try to think before I speak. I'm getting better at demanding attention and respect... except with my family... though that's pretty much hopeless for the next 20 years or so. I'm also having a lot more fun. I've learned the comfort of a good conversation. I've learned to respect the things others do for my benefit. I've learned I will need to know how to cook next year because I can't stand the cafeteria food anymore.

I don't know. I guess I just feel more grown up. At least while I'm here, where others treat me like I'm more grown up.

I do have a new pet-peeve though. I hate the excuse, "I didn't remember because I wasn't really listening when you asked me to." That one's really insulting.

Overall though, I think I'm very happy with the changes of the last few months.

I'm getting a lot better at calling strangers and at leaving messages! Yay for growing up :)

I could be making flashcards for my Geography final right now. No, I should be doing that. I shouldn't wait to squeeze it in tomorrow when the final is Friday morning and I have two papers to write. I get bored making flashcards though. Maybe I'll make them during class... it's a dull class. It's the only one I have left for the semester!!

So I decided it wasn't my bed that was keeping me awake all semester because I couldn't sleep at home or at Kelli and Molly's either. I decided it wasn't the caffeine because today was my first time drinking coffee in over a week and I have not gone to bed before 1am since I got back from Thanksgiving break. Last night I decided that I just think too much. (No need to make jokes. I do too think.) I just lie in bed thinking about all kinds of things that I don't have time to think about during the day. I feel a need to sort through my thoughts, so I just think and anticipate. I'm not really sure how to fix it. I'll lie there for a good hour or two expecting that I will eventually drift off if I keep my eyes closed, but it just doesn't work.

Oh well. College students are supposed to have irregular, unhealthy sleep patterns, right?

I should be sleeping... it's almost 2am... but I can't sleep. I have way too much on my mind. At least I don't have class until 11:10 tomorrow... plus it's the last day of classes.

Why do girls get so stupid over guys? Why do guys get that much control? Are girls really that self-conscious? I mean, even some of the most confident, independent girls start to doubt themselves over guys. Even some of the most loyal and trustworthy girls will blow off their friends to hang out with a guy, even if the guy has no problem canceling or shortening plans to hang out with his friends. It's so disappointing to think that someone can be so self-sufficient one month, saying that guys shouldn't control our lives and that she might not even want to get married because she's too independent to be bogged down, and then start hanging out with a guy and throwing her whole philosophy out the window. I understand that new relationships are tricky and that it's important to spend a lot of time together to get to know each other, but a girl should never push her friends down to second string over a guy she just started dating. It's obvious to your friends when you try to sidestep plans. It's obvious when you don't commit to plans in case the guy is free. It's not cool to say you can hang out with us and the guy if you spend all your time with us preoccupied about leaving as early as you can to hang out with him. It's disappointing that you lie. It's disappointing that you lose so much of your confidence in yourself because you need this guy to like you. It's disappointing that you'd rather spend every day left of the semester with him than with us. It's disappointing that this is happening with someone I never would have expected it from. It's disappointing that you're not the only one who gets like this.

I'm almost glad that I haven't been in a relationship yet because I've needed to work on my confidence and self-esteem. Now that I'm comfortable in my own skin, I think I could better handle being in a relationship. I really hope I don't blow off my friends once I'm dating someone. I can't imagine doing that, but it happens so often that it almost has me worried it'll happen against my own will or something.

Well, I just refuse to let that happen. Once I eventually get into a relationship, I am going to make a conscious effort to manage my time between the guy and my friends. I mean, guys come and go, but your friends will always be there. As long as you don't constantly blow them off, I suppose...

The semester is almost over! Two classes to go before finals! I just have two papers to write, and I'm not worried about my finals. This is the least amount of stress I've felt in weeks. :)

I don't have a final in LCT, my Spanish final is a take-home essay (one of those papers I mentioned), and my Geography final is just a regular test... and I've been doing really well on those. My Reporting II and Media Law finals are actual cumulative finals, but they'll be almost the same test. They're taught by the same professor and cover a lot of the same information. Plus, I've calculated that if I get 0 out of 100 on my Media Law final I'll finish the class with a C. A 50 out of 100 will give me an AB in the class. So I'm not worried.

We played in the snow last night! It was so much fun! Even when I got snow up my shirt I was fine. It was awesome. I'm in such a great mood! I'm tired, but I'm happy.

Work shouldn't be too bad tonight. A lot of the schools we cover were closed today, so there shouldn't be as many calls. Ok scratch that... my boss just called and I don't even have to go in tonight. Sweet.

Next semester is going to be insane. Seriously. I'm taking 17 credits instead of 15, plus 2 gym classes (one for the first half of the semester and the other the second half), work will be more busy with more sports going on, I'll be even more involved with the school paper, and I'll be coaching speech at Cotter. I'll hopefully have time to give more tours too. Oh, and we'll be planning the benefit dance. Wow that's even more than I thought. Oh well, I'll worry about that later.

As for now, I'm going to enjoy my free time :)

My Sucky Day

Today sucked... and it's not getting any better.

I don't have class until 11:10 on Wednesdays, so I planned on getting some homework done before that. I didn't get out of bed until almost 10. I then got an email telling me that I did not get the Star Tribune internship I wanted so badly. Then came lunch... I canceled my usual lunch plans to eat with a friend I don't talk to a lot whose birthday was on Monday. She said to meet at 1:15. I texted her at 1:19 and she said she was home (in the cities) and forgot we'd had plans. I almost had to eat alone, but another friend came around 1:30, so I ate with her. I went to check mail and actually had something from home, but it was just a scholarship check I forgot. Then I went to brush the snow off my car with my mittens (I didn't realize until I was leaving home that I bought the car in the summer and didn't have a brush). I had to scrape off ice with a CD case, which snapped in half. I moved my car about half an hour before I was technically allowed to and went to edit the paper for 20 minutes before class. 2:55 Geography... no explanation needed (but I did get an A on my paper!). Then it was back to editing. I missed dinner with my friends and had to eat in the Pub, which actually turned out ok... Kelli and Lily were in there. I'm skipping my FAC meeting because we were never told where (or when exactly) the meeting is. I came back and went to put my iced frappucino thing in the fridge and realized I never turned my fridge back on when I got back on Monday... and I had food in there. Now I have to finish a Spanish essay test and put together an entire Spanish presentation/Power Point on the Spanish Civil War. I wanted to go to the free Wednesday night movie ("The Dark Knight") at 9 tonight, but that won't happen. I also found out I have to work the night of the Finals Midnight Breakfast thing (the staff serve breakfast at 10pm on Study Day), and I have to work right after the Mocktail Party, which I have to go to for Senate.

The bright side: once tomorrow is over the only thing I have to worry about is my Geography "paper" on Hawaii, and I'll only have to go to Reporting II for 10-15 minutes tomorrow because it's a work day and I have everything done.

I'm having one of those days where one thing doesn't go my way and suddenly I'm doubting everything.

I didn't get the internship at the Star Tribune. I'm sending my application for the internship at the Pioneer Press today, but I really wanted to get the one at the Strib. Now I'm even more nervous about the personal statement I have to write for the Press. I'm also so much more nervous about graduating next year and trying to find a job at a paper. I really want to work at a bigger daily.

I hope it's not too late to apply for the Washington, D.C. internship my advisor told me about earlier this year. I'd have to pay for it, but it would definitely be worth it. He wasn't in his office when I went to talk to him, so I'll have to wait to find out about that.

There's also an internship at WCCO or MPR if I want to check out broadcast, but you'd think preference would go to people majoring in broadcast. Besides, the WCCO one doesn't pay. I know nothing about the MPR one; my dad just told me about it.

I was never really worried about finding work as a journalist, but now I'm absolutely terrified.

It must be weird to be a parent. First you have a tiny baby that needs you for everything. You feed it, change it, clothe it, and protect it. You watch this baby grow until it can move around on its own and talk. Eventually this kid starts making decisions, though you still make the majority of the decisions for him/her. Then the kid starts thinking. You remember a time when the kid couldn't think, and suddenly the kid is thinking many things, and you don't always know what they are. Fast forward a lot and suddenly your kid is a young adult who can talk, think, rationalize, decide, and care for him/herself.

I find it kind of weird to have real conversations with my parents lately. I almost don't blame them for not treating me like an adult... considering they still vividly remember me as anything but an adult. Really, they don't even know how much I've changed since going off to college. They don't know how I think differently and choose differently and act differently. I said I almost don't blame them. I don't think they can get off not respecting me just because of who I used to be. Just because they remember a little girl throwing tantrums and making excuses doesn't mean that they can't respect the fact that I can now have a reasonable discussion and can make decisions for myself. Yes, I still have a lot of learning to do, but this isn't really an all-or-nothing thing. You can't hold me back as though I were a 12 year-old kid, and you can't just throw me out there as if I've been out in the real world for a good decade.

I sometimes wonder about how much truth is hidden in someone's words when they're "teasing" you. I'm sorry, but I don't think you should ever "tease" someone by saying you never thought they'd amount to anything. (and last I heard, kids should be reading more)

It's snowing out. It's such a pretty snow too.... like a perfect winter wonderland.

It's days like today that remind me why I'm ever excited to come home. I went to Caribou with Bre and Laura and then Target and Starbucks with Tori. (Yup, I had coffee twice. It was quite nice) It was nice to have some good chats with people I don't see very often. I really like the whole getting-coffee-and-catching-up thing. I'm always up for a good conversation, and it's always something new when it's with old friends. It's nice to know that even when we don't see each other or even talk to each other in over a month, it's still comfortable. There's no awkwardness or any need to rebuild trust and familiarity. I like it.

I'm so excited for the holiday season! I wish it would snow a little bit... just enough to set the mood (for now). I'm excited for lights and christmas music and movies and hot chocolate. I should make myself a good Christmas CD for the car.

I went for a run yesterday. It is not easy running outside in the cold. I might be able to run 5 miles on a treadmill with no problem, but I struggled with that 1 mile yesterday. I didn't even break a sweat; it was just hard to figure out breathing when the air is so thin. I was cold too... you'd think it'd be warmer to be moving around, but running creates an extra breeze that's really no fun. I'm still glad I did it though. I could've easily been really lazy over break and not worked out at all. I got a free week's membership at Fitness Crossroad for running the 5k, but I'm using that over Christmas break with Bre.

I think I'm going to write in this a lot more often now. I decided not to update my livejournal anymore... it's kind of pointless to update both. I really like getting my thoughts out too. It makes my brain feel less cluttered. It's like having a nice conversation, albeit a one-sided one. I guess I just have too much to say.

It still bothers me that I'm kind of trapped at home whenever I come back. It's so hard to have rules and responsibilities set by my parents when I'm so used to running my own life (for the most part) back in Winona. At school I only worry about things important to me. Not in a selfish way... I just don't generally have to do things for other people that I have no interest in. It's just a weird feeling to come back home and realize my parents have expectations for me. It's almost like I can't make my own plans or organize my own time because they'll always expect me to have a lot of time for random chores and "spending time with them," even though it's really not quality time. I'm sorry, but working across the yard from you where we can't even talk to each other does not count as bonding time to me. Anyway, this is why I don't think I'll stay at home after I graduate. My mom already has it all planned out for me: she thinks I'll graduate, move back home, get a job in the cities and do grad school close to home. Ok first of all, I was looking at grad schools for journalism and none of them were even in Minnesota. If I do go to grad school, I'd want to go to a really good one like Columbia or Stanford (assuming I got in). I would love to stay in the cities, and I'd be happy to visit my parents often. I'd still go to church at Holy Cross every Sunday... but I definitely need to move out of this house. It would be a total regression to live at home when I'm 21 and have had freedom at school.

None of this should really even be an issue yet anyway. For now I need to get through school and save my money! (which, of course, is the downside to the holidays. It's going to hurt to go Christmas shopping)

This Thanksgiving break has been a total bust. I should have gone on the service trip to New York. I miss my friends. There was no corn at dinner yesterday. Nobody else is home. People who are home don't have time to get together. I'm sick of being trapped in my house... no, I'm sick of being trapped in my parent's house. I don't even feel like this is home anymore. Thank goodness I'm graduating a year early... I'll get to move out for good sooner.

If there's a bright side, it's that I got my internship application for the Strib mailed out today, I got most of the editing for the Cardinal done, and I've gotten some homework done. At this rate, I'll be finishing the rest tonight. What a lame Friday night.

The only real meals I've had since I've been home were Thanksgiving dinner and this Polish food I don't even like the day I got home.

I'm homesick for SMU. At least more people will be home over winter break.

I also have a new pet peeve. I hate reminding people of plans to hang out. I hate it even more when those plans are subsequently canceled.

I hate when my mom says no to something and then doesn't even listen to what I have to say. As soon as I save up enough money to visit Italy I'm going alone. She's not really concerned about the fact that the whole family could go. Seriously, what would I really learn on a family vacation? The price for a 3 week study abroad in Italy is actually pretty reasonable if you notice everything that's included. I'm saving a year's worth of tuition for goodness sake! And I've always wanted to study abroad....and this is much cheaper than a whole semester would be.

I'm so grumpy right now. I need to get out of here!

I should not be blogging right now.

It's 2:30 in the morning, I have a Spanish paper to finish, and I'll need my energy tomorrow for cleaning, packing, staying awake in Spanish, and driving for 2 hours.

Oh well. I'll just drink a bunch of coffee or something.

I need a break from my Spanish paper. Ok so my whole night has basically been a break from it, I guess... but it takes twice as much thought and energy to write a paper (in another language) while watching One Tree Hill.... and then the Packers game with a friend.... and then John and Kate Plus 8... and then Cool Runnings... at least now Erin and I aren't distracting each other anymore.

I'll hit the page limit without a problem. That's usually my concern with Spanish papers. What bugs me this time, though, is that I hate my thesis. I loved my idea for the paper, but that's not exactly what I ended up writing about. It's just a first draft, but I'm still really disappointed that I couldn't make a thesis work with my basic idea.

It's impossible to finish writing a paper when you know that once you're done you won't have to work on anything else. I can relax once I finish the paper, and I'm almost done with the paper, so I really want to relax right now.

At least my first class shouldn't take the whole time tomorrow. We'll have class time to work on a writing assignment, and mine is done. I won't sleep tonight until my paper is done, so tomorrow all of my time between classes will go to cleaning and packing. I already did the hardest part... picked out most of the clothes to take home. My goal is to have my car packed before Spanish so I won't even have to come back to my room before leaving. I'm not really helping matters right now, but I just need to get the distractions out of my head. I filled my tank today (for only $16!!), so I shouldn't have to stop at all.

I'm so ready for this break. I'm so excited for Thanksgiving! It was so hard to miss it last year. The trip to Biloxi as a whole was amazing. It was fun and rewarding and eye-opening.... but Thanksgiving Day was a bust. I was so homesick I slept almost the entire day.

Thanksgiving is definitely my favorite holiday. 4th of July and Easter come close behind, but Thanksgiving has the top spot for sure. (I like the overall Christmas season, but Christmas Eve itself is too stressful) I love how laid-back Thanksgiving is. You get the 3 F's... Family, Food, and Football. Everyone's comfortable and happy and there's nothing commercial about it. It's all about spending time with the family. (Similar reasons put 4th of July up in my top 3... along with playing volleyball all day. Easter's in there mostly because of Easter soup.)

I can't wait until Thursday! And I can't wait to see my cousin's new baby!

I can't wait for a break from classes and some real food. I can't wait for a decent bed and pillows with some fluff left in them. I can't wait to see the new kitchen and have my room to myself for a while. I can't wait to see my family and friends. I can't wait to sit with my family at church. I'm just too excited!

And that doesn't help me finish this paper either.

Today has been a very productive Saturday so far. I coached Molly's basketball team since she's in New York, went to brunch, and volunteered at a nursing home. I still have to clean, do laundry, and do homework.

Being at the nursing home made me realize that I'm not taking advantage of everything I can do as long as I'm young enough. One day I might not be able to move around so easily, and I don't want to end up regretting never having the chance. I feel like I already do quite a bit to make the most of my life, but there's still so much more I can do. I don't want to miss my chance to really live.

Anyway. I got my mile and a half down to 10:30 last week! I'm not exactly sure how I managed it... I think I was just having a really good day.

I've been managing my time a lot better lately. I have 5 or 6 papers/writing assignments due before Thanksgiving, but I only have 2 more to do. I turned in a paper that could be turned in Friday on Monday. I've spent many hours in the library. (I found a way to not get distracted or fall asleep!) I feel like I can handle my work-load better now, which is good since it'll be worse next semester.

I had my tightest deadline at work so far last night. I covered the hockey game, and it went into overtime. It didn't end until about 9:30. Then I had to interview the coach, drive to work, and write a story by my 11:00 deadline. Luckily it was a great game to write about. It was an overtime victory (6-5) and the first win of the season (after losing 6).

I'm excited for Thanksgiving!! I just have to make it through 5 classes and then I get to go home!

I always liked the quote, "Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

Then I learned that not everyone is entitled to the moon.

I just had a very frustrating but interesting conversation with my Spanish professor. That class has me so confused lately, but in a good way I guess. It makes me think.

We're reading an existentialist novel. It's not really even a novel... the author, Miguel de Unamuno, created his own genre of literature, the nivola, so that he'd be able to break the rules of a typical novel. I asked my professor what rules Unamuno was breaking that called for a new genre, because I couldn't really tell what's keeping this from being a novel. He said that Unamuno's idea is to not interfere with his characters. He lets them progress through the novel...sorry, nivola...on their own. So I asked how that's completely possible, since Unamuno's still writing the book. He said that was the point. I got more confused because any author of a novel could "leave the characters alone" and just not be so obvious (Unamuno talks about it directly within the book).

This somehow turned into a question of free will. Existentialists bring up a lot of questions about and issues with free will. My professor asked me if I believe that God knows what's going to happen and who will go to heaven or hell. I said that God is outside of time and does know but doesn't interfere, so we still have free will. My professor said the "outside of time" argument comes up every year and asked how it can be free will if the future is basically written out already. I don't believe the future is "written out" perse. I mentioned that if someone thinks that what he or she does doesn't matter and starts acting upon that, God already knows that's going to happen. I felt like I was making valid arguments, but my professor kept asking the same question. He wasn't arguing my argument exactly... I think he was just trying to get me to think. It worked. Honestly though, when it's a question about how we can know what God thinks or knows, there will never be an answer. You can't solidly support either side. Existentialists have their way of explaining the world and how they perceive things to be, and Christians have their faith and what they believe to be true. My professor told me that every argument I was making matched arguments made in the past. I pointed out that that's what we've learned. We've learned that God is outside of time. We've learned that God knows all that happens and will happen. We've learned that we have free will. And we accept it. I personally never stopped to consider how these concepts might contradict each other. I still don't see why they have to.

I think we act on our own free will. I also believe God knows what will happen. I know it seems to be a conflict, but I don't really see it as one. What's really frustrating is that I don't really have a way of explaining why I think the ideas can work together...or at least coexist. Right now it's a deep feeling. I don't know if it's because I believe it that strongly or if it's because it's a result of blind faith or if it's just because it's a basic principle I've been taught my whole life in religion classes.

A lot of similar thoughts and ideas have been coming up lately... things that seem to question beliefs I've always known to be true and ideas I've been taught my entire life. I've always just accepted these things because I was told to. It seems wrong even considering the opposing arguments. Not considering in the sense of believing as much as just thinking about them. I still feel like I'm betraying my faith by thinking about these things though. It's just frustrating because faith is such an irrational thing. You kind of have to go into it blindly. It can't be explained. It contradicts the things you can think through and make sense of, and I'm one to really try to make sense of things. I'm the kind of person that needs to understand things fully. I need answers to my questions. I need reasons. (Good thing I'm going to be a journalist, right?) A lot of things just don't make sense to me. I know they're not supposed to, but I still try to make them make sense. The more I try though, the less sense it makes. I still seem to be convinced that I'll be able to find some sort of argument to support my beliefs... something solid that I can really fall back on. So far I haven't really had much luck. It's just hard for me to have to explain things by saying I just have to trust in and believe them. I know that's the point, but it's really hard now, when all I really seem to do is think about life.

I'm determined to have my thoughts at least sort of figured out by the time we talk about this in class. I'm determined to bring in a new idea or argument... something my professor hasn't heard before. The seminarians will be saying what I already said... I want to bring in a new argument, a new idea. I'm just not sure what that new idea would be...

I think I need to figure out what I personally think first.

I find it funny now that I thought volleyball was the only thing I could work really hard at and track my progress and really feel proud because it didn't always necessarily come easily. I find it funny that last year when I didn't make the team I was partly upset because I thought volleyball was the only thing I could be really disciplined about. I thought it was the only thing that could make me work that hard and the only thing that could make me push myself well out of my comfort zone and harder than I would otherwise believe I could push myself.

I also thought it was the idea of being the best that motivated me so much. It really wasn't though. As much as I wanted to be the best, and as much as I wanted to be a leader and help the team do well, I think deep down I really was most concerned about pushing my limits and being my best. I knew I was capable of more and really pushed to get there. I wasn't as selfish as I thought :). I really thought the majority of my motivation came from rewards and recognition and the satisfaction of being better than someone else, but my ambitions really were more genuine than that. I really did want to do better for myself. I liked looking at my playing from year to year and seeing real improvement. I liked knowing I had control over myself. I liked knowing that I was capable of positive change.

I'm getting a lot better at setting personal goals this year. I've started tracking personal progress in my running (ok so you already know I started doing that this summer). My first accomplishment was getting myself to run regularly. Then it was actually enjoying my runs. Then it was running a 5k. Then it was running the mile and a half in 12:04 (over 2 minutes faster than a year ago!). Then it was running every day. Then it was getting my mile and a half down to 11:30 (and continuing to run for a mile or so after). Today it was running 5 miles.

I used to think my Everest was running a mile. Then I got there and could see the taller mountains up ahead.

You can actually learn a lot from sports/athletics. Anything you do to your level of physical strength can be done to your level of mental strength. Any dedication and discipline you put into your body you can put into your mind.

If I can run 5 miles (and I'll bet I can run even more), what can't I do??

Ok, so I also have a problem with thinking about the past too much. I think about the present too, but almost always in comparison to the past. Maybe I just think too much in general...

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts. I wish I could write down all of my thoughts... especially when I'm out walking or running. I feel like I miss so much when I finally go to write things down. It makes my thoughts seem really random and disorganized to only write half of what I'm thinking. Sometimes I just can't keep up with my thoughts and get too tired to keep typing. I just think too much. I need to think less and do more.

I've had a very productive October break. I caught up on sleep and got homework done. This week should be easy now... I have nothing due for another week, so I can work on my test and paper when I get back to Winona. It feels nice to know I was responsible and can actually breathe for a week. Ooh but I need to schedule some interviews for my Tennis Center story for the Cardinal...

I start work at the Winona Daily News tomorrow! I'm just observing at first, which is kind of nice. I guess I'll just be taking calls from coaches and getting important information like scores and game highlights before writing just a little blurb. Nothing too hard-core. Definitely manageable.

I should probably get started on my internship applications soon too... I think I'm going to apply for both the Star Tribune's and the Pioneer Press's internships, in case I don't get the one at the Strib. I personally don't like the Pioneer Press as much, but it would be an equally good experience and would look just as good on a resume. Besides, I already know how to get to the Pioneer Press. :)

I need to pack. And run. And shower/get ready. And do a tiny bit more homework.

I think about the future way too much sometimes. I plan out my whole life and then end up disappointed when things don't work out quite right. I don't know why I do it; the best moments of my life are the completely random surprises. I just get so excited about my life and all the good things I want to happen... and with so many people I know that are my age getting married or engaged, it's hard not to think about the future as something potentially very close. Not to mention graduation really isn't all that far away. It sucks though, because I'm liking my life so much right where it is, but I'm still so anxious to move on to the rest of it... but I know once I'm there I'm going to want to come back to where I am now. I need to learn to be patient and just live in the moment EVEN WHEN THE MOMENT IS DULL.

Yup, that's my life lesson for today.

It's been a while since I've written in here. I just spent the last half hour reading old entries. No particular reason why... I just felt like seeing what kind of stuff I've been thinking in the last year. I never really stop to read these entries when I post them.

I had an interview with the Winona Daily News yesterday and am now their newest part-time sports reporter! It doesn't pay a ton, but I don't even care. It's a job that pays more than not working would, and it's at a newspaper. I'm beyong excited. To be completely honest, I'm also a little bit scared. This is probably the first job I've ever had that actually matters to me. Coldstone did a little at first, but that was only because it was my first job. MoneyGram was just a (very boring) way to make money over the summer. Nacel was a less boring way to do the same. This is something that I want to do for a career. It's not just some meaningless way to earn money. I'm working at a real newspaper. That people actually read. It's a little scary to think about. But I'm definitely more excited than anything.

It's cold out. But I think I'm ok with it. I'm not ok with how cold it is in my room though :(. Especially in the morning when I wake up... Sara likes to keep the fans on at night... otherwise she can't sleep. I don't mind until the morning. Maybe I'll ask her to turn the fans off when she wakes up?

I hope the Twins cream the White Sox tonight... :)

"...what is not possible is not to choose. I can always choose, but I must know that if I do not choose, that is still a choice." -Jean-Paul Sartre

Well I guess it's a good thing I'm getting to be a lot better at making decisions. It helps that I am often in positions where I need to make them. As an editor for the paper, as the publicity chair for SAC, as a hall representative in Student Senate... It's really helping me feel more comfortable about making my own personal decisions that I know will affect others. My big fear used to be this effect my choices have on everyone, but as Sartre said, not choosing was just as much of a choice and had just as much effect on others.

Por una mirada, un mundo;
por una sonrisa, un cielo;
por un beso... Yo no se
que te diera por un beso!
-Gustavo Adolfo Becquer

I wish I felt this much admiration for someone. I wish someone felt this much love for me. It's such a short and simply-worded poem, but there's so much meaning behind it. It's beautiful in its simplicity. It's full of longing and passion... it's hard to imagine loving someone so much. It's hard to imagine wanting to give so much in the hopes that the other person will look at you, smile at you, kiss you.

I guess I'm in one of those moods. I feel like talking... like having a real heart-to-heart. I hate when that happens and I don't really have anyone to talk to. I mean, I have people to talk to, but you can't really force a heart-to-heart.

I need to go for a run. I have done nothing since tryouts ended.... besides one long walk with Molly. I just haven't really had time. Running itself doesn't take long, but then there's showering and getting ready again. I wish I were disciplined enough to run in the morning before getting ready. Then again, I really don't go to bed early enough to ever expect to be able to wake up any earlier than I already do.

I'm losing focus.. I think I'm going to go to bed.

I'm very extreme in my moods and emotions. I'm either incredibly happy and giddy and optimistic or very frustrated and cranky. I'm also pretty extreme in my thoughts in general. I either feel incredibly confident and sure of myself or very timid and uncertain. I'm either loving life and taking risks or holding back and doubting myself. I'm either letting go and having fun or worrying intensely. Rarely do I feel like I'm right in between. And honestly, I like it that way. More often than not I'm the positive, upbeat extreme, and it's a lot more fun than just letting life go on without me. I like to take charge. I like to get involved.

This entry just totally shifted in focus. Now I don't even know what I'm getting at.

Just being back at school makes me feel so much more confident. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just because I feel like I have more say about things here. I'm more of an equal. More of an adult. Most of the people I encounter are around my age. They can't look down on me because I'm only 19. I feel more respected than I do at home. And I get to be a leader. It's nice. Really nice.

Ok. That was all really random. My roommate just gave me permission to do homework (haha... you have to be here), so I think I'm done here.

I've been feeling really restless lately. I fell like there's so much I want to do, but instead I'm trapped in a predictable, routine summer controlled largely by my parents. I have obligations I don't even care about and responsibilities that honestly mean nothing to me. I can probably list what I've done this summer on one hand. I feel like I've wasted my time. I want an adventure. I want to do something new and exciting. I want to get away from my boring everyday life as long as I'm young and still can. I'm honestly very excited to go back to school just because I feel it will be much more exciting. I'll have at least 7 different activities, a job, and classes, and I'll be working out and giving tours of campus. I'll get to hang out with anyone at anytime. I'll set my own rules and boundaries and take responsibility for my own actions. I won't be responsible for someone else's concerns. My obligations will be toward things I actually care about, and I'll be able to do something new if I get bored.

If there's one thing I don't like about going to St. Mary's, it's that I can't permanently move out of the house until I graduate. Spring break and the beginning of summer were ok, but every other break was a pain, and this summer has gotten far too long. I love my family, but I'm just so sick of living at home and having my life run for me. I considered the idea of getting an apartment in Winona if I don't get the internship at the Star Tribune, but I don't want to be that far away from my family and friends. At least next summer will feel shorter if I'm in Spain for the month of May...

I'm so sick and tired of not having control over my life.

I'm too tired to complain anymore.

To end on a bright note: I ran the VillageFest 5k yesterday and it felt amazing!! I ran the entire thing, stopping once to tie my shoe. I finished with a time of 28:01 (9:03 pace), which is waaay better than i expected. :)

let's be philosophical today...

I wrote this in my livejournal a week or two ago, and i felt like it was worth thinking about again:

One of the greatest things about life is that you have no idea what's going to happen. There is no peaking into the future, and i like it that way... it gives each and every thing you do a purpose. Nothing would matter if things would turn out just one way anyway.



I visited a friend from school this weekend. She lives on a farm... she's even more isolated and in the country than my roommate is. I had a blast though. I really don't think I'd mind living out there.

Out of everything I did down there (which included 4-wheeling and driving a tractor), my favorite thing was looking at the sky. It just felt so much bigger down there. The storm Friday night was bigger, angrier, more powerful. The clouds seem to take up so much less space on a sunny day. There seem to be millions more stars in hundreds of extra layers I can't see here. It's so deep and expansive. I felt so small underneath it. I felt twice as afraid of the storm, but I felt twice as comforted under the many sunbeams that extended to the ground. It really did remind me of how big the world really is. Everyone is so absorbed in how important they are and how many people they know. They worry about publicity and impact. People don't seem to understand just how small we really are... just how big the world around us is... just how amazing it is that it all comes together so perfectly for us. It really makes you stop and think. As cheesy as it sounds, looking at that sky really made me think about the big picture. Except, I wasn't really thinking anything specific. I guess it was more of a feeling that there's more to it than just me. (now we'll have to see how long I keep this in mind)

It actually made me sad for what we're missing here in the city...

Sometimes I feel like I don't really have anyone to confide in. I know it's not true...I'm actually very lucky and have many people I could confide in. I just have a hard time talking to people about things that are bothering me or things that I think about. I keep so much to myself, and I feel like I don't have a sufficient outlet for my thoughts. I have my blogs, yes, but that's really not the same. It's really no different than thinking all of this and leaving those thoughts in my head. Besides, there are a lot of things I think about that I don't write about.

I just have trouble trusting people with things that really matter to me. I've been teased and ridiculed my whole life, and although a lot of that has been in fun and has been good-natured, it still keeps me from sharing what I really think. If people make fun of me for something that is maybe just a little bit important to me at the most, what are they going to say when I start sharing opinions and ideas that mean a lot to me? I don't think there's anyone I can trust to really listen to me and not feel like I'm being judged in any way. My family doesn't take me seriously (and neither do some of my friends), and friends are so quick to judge...even if they don't realize it. I always feel like I have to be so careful about what I say, and I could really use a friend that I know will take me seriously and value my thoughts and opinions. I need someone who can give me a break from all the teasing that "shows me that my family and friends love me." I need someone I can have real conversations with about anything and everything. I need to maybe meet someone who didn't know me in middle school or high school...or even a couple months ago...someone who can't judge me based on how i used to react to things or based on what i used to talk and think about. But I need this person to become a close, trustworthy friend almost right away so they don't end up judging me based on how I act before I trust someone enough to be myself. Maybe I just need to learn to trust people sooner. There aren't many people I feel comfortable being myself around.

I feel like this really great, happy, open version of me is trapped inside where only I can see it. Meanwhile, everyone else gets the extremist version of me. I'm either extremely happy and hyper or extremely frustrated and angry. I just don't know how to get the better, more positive version of me to shine through. I don't know how to let go of my insecurities and forget about what other people think. It's hard to do when people are constantly taunting and teasing you. It's hard when people won't take you seriously and act like you're the little kid you haven't been in a long time. It's hard when people keep reminding you about all the things you've ever done wrong, leaving you to believe that you may never escape this outward version of yourself.

I have no outlet. I don't write poetry anymore. People take it too literally and don't pay the right attention to it. Besides, it takes too much time. I don't draw or paint or sculpt. I don't sing or play an instrument. I don't have the patience to write about feelings any more extensively than I do on my blogs. I don't know how else to deal with this complete contradiction between who i am and who i appear to be. I have no way to talk about things that I think about constantly. I shy away from telling people what's bothering me because I'm afraid it'll look like I'm starving for attention or because I don't believe I'll be taken seriously. It's incredibly frustrating.

Sometimes I just feel trapped and alone in spite of my happiness and the support I get from my friends and family.

If it weren't 1 in the morning, I would totally go for a run. Especially because it's raining. The lightning wouldn't be too cool though...

Today I learned not to drink coffee after lunch. Especially on a Tuesday. It made me all edgy and high-strung for dance. Instead of having a caffeine crash, which I was anticipating, it all turned into angry energy the minute something pissed me off. And a lot pissed me off today. I'm really not going to go into all that now though, because I've already bitched about most of it to about 4 people and I'm so sick of it all. (Besides, it would take forever, and I do have to work tomorrow.)

I am so sick of not having a voice. I'm 19 years old and would really like to be respected. I don't think it's all that much to ask for. I'm not even asking for respect based on my age (the point there is that I'm old enough to have a valid opinion). I have a lot of respect for other people and their opinions. Very rarely do I interrupt someone or blow off what he or she has to say. I don't argue very much, and I generally tried to avoid confrontation in general. I allow people to have their say and respect that they might not agree with me. So why can't anyone treat me that way? And why do I let them? Why am I still the doormat for everyone to walk all over when I know that what I have to say has value? I have a lot of confidence in my ideas, so why don't I defend them? Okay, I suppose that's a different topic, but it is something I need to consider. But really, nobody ever seems to care about anything I have to say. They blow me off as the pointlessly chatty little kid I once was (and, okay, still sometimes am) and neglect to consider that I might have something real to say. Even if they don't agree with it...all I want is for someone to listen! Nobody ever seems to want to listen anymore.

It's harder to confide in people too. For all the pride I take in my ability to trust others and open up to them, I'm finding it increasingly harder to really tell anyone what I'm really thinking or feeling. It feels like so much of an effort sometimes when the person is upset by something said. Or sometimes people don't seem to care all that much. And I get such contradictory suggestions or complaints from people. If I talk about my problems, I'm complaining too much. If I have nothing new to talk about, I'm a bad friend who doesn't want to share. If I have good news, I'm bragging. If I try to talk about real stuff, I'm being too serious or nerdy. If I try to goof off and have fun, I'm "blonde" or cheesy or worthy of intense eye-rolls. Nothing ever seems to be right. I always seem to fall short. And I still don't feel like I have anyone I can really confide in. I suppose that's because there's nobody that's really involved in every aspect of my life. I depend on different people depending on what I need to talk about. But that's just tiring.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow (today?). It's not that I mind work.... I just don't want to go to bed now, which I know will translate into some major fatigue tomorrow. I should just sleep.

On a different note: my ankle is killing me. It's still been bugging me (after a month and a half), and it's been swollen and sore, but right now it hurts. I tweaked it at dance tonight and almost wanted to cry it hurt so bad. So that made me even more grumpy, which really didn't help matters. Rehearsal really sucked tonight. Dance used to be fun. It's amazing I still think it's worth it! (It is, isn't it?)

I'm really starting to love running now. I guess I just needed to get into shape. So now I run almost every day. It feels absolutely amazing. One day I had extra energy and ran an extra mile...it was one of the best feelings ever. It's kind of nice...I feel so refreshed and accomplished, but I still get to think and keep it to myself. It's a personal pride, and it's a nice change of pace from all the things I seem to do for the glory and attention. I'm actually pretty upset I ever let myself get so consumed by the need to be the best at everything. I have trained myself to believe that if I'm not the best, I'm a failure. ...Wow, that thought just kind of came out of nowhere. But it's true. And I was just thinking the other day about how I always seem to come up short. When I should feel proud of my accomplishments and my hard work paying off, I get upset that it wasn't better and think about people that should feel more proud of themselves. When I should be enjoying the things I love simply because they are things that I put a lot of time into and really have fun with, I concern myself with the competition of it all. I turn all the things I love and should use as stress-relievers into these major all-encompassing events. They consume my thoughts and emotions and leave room for little else. I get obsessive and spend hours trying to make everything perfect, and I miss out on the fun of it all. And I let myself get away with it by telling myself that the competition is what I love about it.

So the point of all of this is that I love running and have been able to turn it into my own thing. I know I'm not the only person who runs, and I know I'm not the best runner, but that's not what it's about. It's not about training for volleyball tryouts or losing weight or being better at anything. It's about me. It's about the enorphin high I get and knowing that I can push past my fatigue, thirst, pain, and doubts. Each time I run, it's a personal victory. It doesn't get written down, and nobody watches me. I don't announce my triumph (well, with the exception of the day I ran the extra mile...it was too exhilirating to keep to myself! and that wasn't about telling someone about it...it was about really believing I did it and being truly happy with myself). It's different than walking too. I used to walk for 1-4 hours a day in the summer (which I still want to make time for this year...even if not every day). But that was different. It wasn't a challenge. It was a pleasant way to sort through my thoughts. Or it was a quiet escape from an argument or boredom. I don't run to clear my mind. I don't really have a reason for running anymore. It started with volleyball and losing what's left of my freshman 15 (5 to go!), but it's not at all about that anymore. I just love the feeling of it. I love how I once had to walk the last two blocks and now I sprint them. I love how I used to beg myself to stop but kept going. I love that I no longer seriously consider walking because I know that as hard as it is, I can make it through. I love that I no longer dread the steep hill toward the end, and I love that I can really make myself sprint that last block when I should be the most tired.

I always wanted to be able to run when I was upset or needed to clear my mind. I thought it would be perfect. It really surprises me what a different effect it has, albeit a pleasant one. It gives me a sense of self-pride and confidence...both qualities I still lack to a certain extent.

Going back to the idea of doing things I love and not worrying about rewards and glory and how others see me... running isn't really the first thing to get me thinking about this. Each time I volunteered at school this year (with the exception of Biloxi), I was at least partly selfish in doing so. I signed up either because it would look good on my extracurricular transcript or resume or because it would remind people that I am a good person. I'm really embarassed to say that, but I can't pretend the thought wasn't at least partially in my mind when signing up to wake up at 7am on a Saturday or agreeing to spend 8 hours of my precious weekend hanging sheetrock. However, once I was actually working, it was a completely different story. I realized I was doing this for someone else. Someone who needed help. It felt really good to know that there is something I can do, and it always left me wanting to do more. By the end, I was signing up for the right reasons, and it was the right reasons that finally convinced me to apply to be a Volunteer Mentor. I just hope I can keep all the selfish thoughts away and remember the feeling of actually making a difference and doing something truly worthwhile.

I mentioned that Biloxi was an exception. I didn't sign on for the Biloxi trip for any kind of glory or attention. I had absolutely no intention of giving up my one favorite holiday (Thanksgiving) to travel to Mississippi. I knew it was selfish to refuse to help, and it wasn't that I didn't want to help, but I really love Thanksgiving and being close to my family without the pomp and circumstance that comes with bigger holidays like Christmas and Easter. Then Molly tried to guilt Pawel into going. She talked about all the families that still didn't have their own house. I realized how selfish I was being and decided those famililes down south needed me more. And it was an amazing experience. Thanks to us, an elderly lady was back in her home by Christmas. She hadn't been back since the hurricane. When she came to see the house...so many things about her visit really hit me. She was such a kind, happy woman. She didn't deserve what happened to her. She trusted us with building her home, and she was so grateful even though it shouldn't have taken so long to begin with. While she was inside, her neighbor came running up and asked if she was really there. He hadn't seen her since the hurricane and was so excited to see her...he ran into the house so quickly! There was so much friendship and happiness and gratitude that seemed so out of place juxtaposed against the half-finished houses and still-empty lots. I'm so glad I went on that trip. Sure, Thanksgiving Day sucked, and I had a really hard time being away from my family, but I learned a LOT about the good in people and the hope that can shine through even the most disheartening situations. I'm not going to go again next year...I really want to be home for Thanksgiving... but I think I'll do a SOUL trip in February and give up spending my birthday with my family.

On a completely new note...I walked around Como with my dad yesterday. It was great...I wonder if he'd be okay with making it a weekly thing. We had a really good talk. I never really talked to my dad unless it was something about my mom bugging me. Well, I talked, but I never really opened up and confided in him the way I've been able to lately. It was so easy to talk to him yesterday, and I really felt like he was listening (which I never expect from him). He's really starting to treat me like an adult, and I really appreciate that. If there's one thing I absolutely hate, it's people patronizing me and not taking me seriously just because I'm still fairly young. I'm 19 years old for goodness sake! I have valid opinions and ideas. I can make fair observations and consider different angles of a situation equally. I may still be sorting through some ideas and emotions, but I personally feel the best way to do so is to engage in real conversations. Even with my friends, I often talk about current events, religion, politics, and literature. But adults still seem to expect me to be preoccupied with gossip or classes or boys. Sure, I gossip some, but it doesn't overwhelm my conversations with others. Classes are important, but so is life. You can only learn so much from a book or a lecture...you have to really experience life to learn about it. And as for boys...there really aren't many that consume too many of my thoughts. I think I might just have really high standards, despite myself. Maybe they're just not my primary focus right now. I really think you need to be comfortable with yourself and your convictions before you go throwing yourself at guys that will have you questioning everything within moments. Other than that, I just haven't met anyone that I like as more than a friend yet. Apparently this marks me as some sort of reject in my family's eye... every time I come home from school, before asking how classes are or how my friends are or how I've been doing, it's automatically "any boys yet?" It really pisses me off. Do people not realize how insulting it is? First of all, it's pushy. I should be able to divulge that sort of information on my own. Second of all, it's assuming I wouldn't tell them. But somehow reminding me they want to know (as if I'd ever forget) will force me to spill even if I wasn't planning on it? It's kind of rude in that it bypasses any question about my personal well-being. It gives the impression that having a boyfriend is the most important thing ever, thus turning me into a failure for never having a boyfriend (even though that doesn't mean I haven't flirted with anyone or gone on a date or anything...). I can be in the best mood ever, and that one question will turn it sour. It takes a hell of a lot to bring me down, but that one question has the power of lifting an entire building onto my head. It drives me nuts. ...How did I get to this topic?

Anyway...it's almost 11, I think I'm getting sick, and I have to work tomorrow...and then there's dance. I suppose it's as good a time as any to wrap this up.

So, I realized today that most of what I've written in here has been about how much I've changed since high school and all that jazz... It's weird that I haven't had much else to say. I guess I save all of the boring, day-to-day thoughts for my livejournal (friends only, sorry ;)). I don't know...I guess I generally share my thoughts with people, so I don't really feel the need to write about them. This blog has so far just been a place for me to get rid of "excess" thoughts and ideas- things that just kind of float around in my head and distract me from more important things.

I have a lot of random thoughts that distract me from more important things, actually. Sometimes my thoughts change so frequently that I actually feel a little dizzy...I can't even keep up with them! I just like thinking. Maybe that's why I can walk for so long and not even realize it. I get lost in my thoughts, and before I know it, I've been walking for two hours and it's starting to get dark out. Now if only I could channel that distraction to allow me to run without realizing how long it's taking...

I guess I could write about being home. Not necessarily being home with old friends and seeing people from STA again, but actually being home. It's so weird now to have a whole house to hang out in, and to have a car and easy access to stores (and caribou!), and to have a curfew again, and to have to deal with my sister again. It's back to chores and sharing the tv. I can't just leave my laptop on (Kaja's paranoid of starting a fire and turns it off on me). I can't just walk over to my friend's place at 2 in the morning. Besides the car and access to stores, it's all very limiting. My first day back I went to a friend's house and asked my dad what my curfew was. He said, "just, you know, normal," and I had to point out that my normal was not quite what he had in mind. (Though the time he gave me was later than I expected him to say!)

It's also weird to be around so many people younger than 18 and older than 22 again! Kaja's 17, so not too young, but just hearing her issues and complaints makes me realize the difference. She worries about the most superficial things...and I know I used to too (and still do, though not as much)...but still. She never talks about politics or the elections. She never talks about books (though she doesn't really read, so that's no surprise). She doesn't talk about her future and her plans. Then there are my parents. They worry about such complex things...like bills and fixing the house and planting new grass. They never talk about any fun plans for the weekend. They never just ignore their responsibilities and take a break. I feel like I'm at a pretty perfect age. I can be serious (and finally be taken seriously by adults), but I can also be a little bit careless. My friends and I talk about such a wide variety of stuff...we always have something to say, and we can never get bored just talking. We talk about politics, religion, literature, magazines, shopping, guys, our futures, the weekend, food, tv, current events, music, facebook, potential careers, school, and makeup, among many, many other things. I absolutely love it. I'll gladly talk about almost anything...except maybe math or science.

Which, speaking of, I am almost done with. I just need one science with a lab and one math class, and I'll never have to take either again! That's a pretty great feeling. Especially with science. I just can't wrap my head around it quite as easily as other things. Math shouldn't be too bad. I need a lower level than I tested into for my minor. I just hope stats is more like geometry or analysis than algebra and calculus.

All my other thoughts have absolutely no connection to any of this, so I think I'm going to stop here...that way I'll have something to say next time (like having something to say is ever an issue, haha).

I went to Grand March yesterday...it was really weird to be back. I think that was my first time in the auditorium since senior awards day on the last day of school. It was weird to listen to TK announcing names and to see so many people from high school. The weirdest was sitting with a bunch of people from my class (most of them people i never really talked to). The whole thing felt a little surreal.

I am very glad to be done with high school. I'm glad to be done with all the drama and the shallow and insignificant worries. I used to think about the most pointless things and worry about things that really didn't matter. I don't know...I just feel so much more grown up now.

I also hung out with some of my high school friends last night. I was at least a little bit right with that fear I mentioned a few entires ago... we're all kind of growing apart. We're changing in different ways and I feel like we have less and less in common. We still have enough in common to hang out and talk and all that, but there's a definite difference. It's kind of sad.

There are still so many things I haven't been able to let go of. I had put all my high school awards and pictures and things away in a box, figuring they didn't define me anymore...then my parents got me furniture that included a lot of shelf space, so i pulled most of that stuff back out. It feels like a shame to hide away all my hard work. But looking at it all now, it's just kind of strange to me. It feels like it all belongs to a completely different person. That's not really me anymore. I'm no longer the volleyball captain MVP. I'm no longer the uber-competitive speech state finalist. I'm no longer the STA student of the month. I even have the little homecoming footballs. Basically, anything that won't fit in a scrapbook. Anyway, I'm not sure what my point was in all that. I just think it's weird that I'm so happy to move on in my life and let go of high school, but I still keep so many memories around from that time. I guess I'm not sure when I'm supposed to let go. I don't think I'm completely ready yet, but how long do I get?

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves what life's all about

Sometimes I feel really lucky. I have a very supportive family that loves me. I have loyal friends who are always there for me when I need them. I have a nice home to go back to that always makes me feel happy and welcome and comfortable. I go to a good, private university... it may cost a lot, but my parents consider it a worthwhile investment for me. I have a lot of passion for writing, and I'll hopefully be able to use that in my future career so that I'll go into work each day excited and anxious to get started. I enjoy learning and do well in school. I understand new material quickly. I have always had teachers that have wanted me to succeed. I've had coaches who have seen my potential and helped me to capitalize on it. I've had patient, understanding, and encouraging teammates. I'm good at public speaking and really enjoy expressing my ideas and opinions with others. I have a grandma that teaches me important lessons about life without lecturing or scolding. I have a terrific, caring, and considerate roommate. I have friends who have gone out of their way to help me adjust to St. Mary's. I'm involved in many great activities in which I've met so many awesome people and learned so many things about the world. I had the opportunity to go to Biloxi to help rebuild after Katrina, and I value that experience so much. I have seen people with so much less than I have who are so happy and content and enthusiastic about life. I'm healthy (minus my sprained ankle, of course ;)). I have everything I need and many things I don't. I enjoy being busy and can handle stress fairly well. I keep working at things I love, such as volleyball, even when I'm not the best or don't succeed the first time. I am persistent and determined and highly motivated. I have a talented little sister who makes me proud every day, and she constantly reminds me to be a good person and make the right decision. I have learned at least one lesson from every mistake I make. I have a great attitude about life and truly believe that things have a way of working themselves out. I know there is a point to any bad thing that happens. I sometimes get sad about things I no longer have or miss things so much that I ache, but I am grateful that I ever had so many amazing things in my life worth missing so much. I love my imperfections and have no desire to be perfect. I'm usually very happy with who I am. I laugh a lot. I am happy with what I have and usually don't sit around wanting more. Honestly, I don't feel really lucky often enough.

With only 2 weeks left of my freshman year of college, I already feel as though my life has direction and meaning. I have a pretty good idea of what I want from life and really feel like I have things pretty much figured out. Obviously, things never go according to plans, so I skipped on the details. Basically, what I know is that I'm 100% positive of my majors and minor (journalism and Spanish majors, global studies minor), and I'm thinking I want to be a copy editor. I'm a total grammar freak and would be good at it. I've heard they're in pretty high demand, though I also hear they don't get to write much... I'll have to think about that a little more. I do still have time, and as copy editor of the "Cardinal" next year, I might gain some more insight as to whether or not that's what I want to do with my life.

9 months later, I finally see the "big picture"

I've been watching my roommate's DVDs of "One Tree Hill" (I just finished the 4th season and am all caught up!), and it has me thinking a lot about high school. High school is like it's very own little world. I always thought so while I was there, but I believe it even more almost 9 months after graduating. Everyone is so self-absorbed in high school. You need to figure out who you are and where you fit in. You need to pick the right friends and win the right arguments. You need to find your passions and work hard at your activities. You have to decide on your future, but you don't really think about it until the deadline comes up...and once you've decided on a college you stop worrying about it again. Everyone focuses on having fun and being with other people. Some worry about school-work, but most are content with just getting by. We have our whole lives to work hard, right?

Your parents take care of your money, food, the clothes you need (as opposed to the clothes you want and buy yourself), laundry, and making sure that you are happy and healthy. Your biggest responsibilities are to your friends. Life revolves around friends, sports events, dances, the mall, and going out every weekend just to take advantage of some freedom.

Of course, high school isn't completely shallow and carefree. You learn some important lessons. You learn loyalty and trust. You start to learn to be accountable for your actions, and you learn the power of your words. You learn how to be a part of a group.

For most of high school, you don't worry about saving money. You don't think about the importance of the education you are receiving. If you work hard for your grades, it is for the selfish satisfaction of being recognized for being the best...for being the smartest. It is to build an identity for yourself. You don't consider chores a top priority and assume they can wait. You may not even consider your family to be the top priority. You work hard to keep your friends happy, but deep deep down you know that it is more for your own social safety than for their well-being.

Obviously, some of your friends are exceptions. Some of your friends' feelings really do matter to you more than your own. Some of your friends will be with you forever, and you will do absolutely anything for them. That's where you really learn to be a good, honest, reliable person.

You find your clique, but you keep a close eye on other cliques. You experiment with your style. You endure heartbreaks and you learn to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. You learn to look for the lessons in everything you do or endure.

I think the biggest thing about high school that makes it so unique is the extent to which you learn through the mistakes of others. High schools are generally fairly tight-knit communities, and with all the lessons I've already mentioned, hormones, different backgrounds, and everyone's need to be noticed and respected, there is a huge variety of mistakes being made for everyone else to see or hear about. Everyone is watching everyone else.

There is so much drama in high school. So many different forces come together, and it can get really overwhelming. And yet, by the end, leaving it all is one of the scariest and saddest things you can imagine. It may be brutal at times, and it may leave you mentally exhausted, but it's familiar. It's safe. There are unspoken rules and you can at least define yourself enough to know more or less who you are (even if you believe there's more to it or want to change it).

My high school years were amazing. I didn't want to leave. I had a terrific group of friends that I could trust, teammates that I could always count on, and by senior year I felt comfortable with who I was while still feeling free to explore new activities and hobbies. Although I was excited for graduation and the milestone it marked in my life, I was sad to think that I would have to start all over with my life right after I had finally gotten used to it.

I didn't have to start all over. Everything I learned at STA is still with me. Each time I look back on those 4 years they feel farther and farther away, but they're still there, clear as a bell. I can still tell you exactly how I felt during my first big fight with Steph. I can clearly picture each of my favorite plays on the volleyball court. I remember the shivers that raced up my spine when I found out Courtney wasn't going to be able to play her senior season of volleyball. I remember the panic I felt after failing my first test. I remember how proud I was to bring up my Algebra II grade to an A-, even if it broke my 4.0. I remember the shock and hurt I felt when a close friend of mine attacked me in class. I remember how guilty I felt when I hurt a friend with my careless words to someone else. I remember how desperate I felt to find a way to make a friend of mine feel better after someone else hurt her. I remember the inside jokes we had at Applebee's every Friday night. I remember the fear and excitement of tp'ing on homecoming night. I remember the shame I felt when I realized I would have to drop my Physics class because I couldn't handle it. I remember how heavy my chest felt and how hot my tears were after the St. Agnes game, when I realized I had let my team down by not playing well or being a good enough leader. I remember how disappointed I was in myself the next day at practice when my coach pulled me aside to convey her disappointment. I remember the day I first got overwhelmed by my combination of schoolwork, activities, and intense feelings and how Steph was there for me as I cried at my locker. I remember how bad my temper got as I tried to learn to deal with my stress...when I stormed away from my (open) locker and when I threw papers into someone else's locker and stormed away...I remember how at those moments I had so many thoughts racing through my head that I couldn't even pick one to focus on. I remember the final round of the Canon Falls speech meet senior year when I blanked and had to remain composed as I waited for the words to come to me. I remember how unfair it felt to only take 3rd at state, but I also remember how rewarding it felt to see my scores...and I remember how deeply I appreciated my third round critique...how it made all of my hard work over 4 years completely worthwhile.

I remember random moments in the hall...laughing and hugging and talking about anything from what stupid thing a classmate said the previous hour to how worried we were about a sick family member or how our feelings and emotions were getting in the way of making it through the week. I remember having AP Psych with all of my closest friends last semester and how much I looked forward to that class each day. I remember how I annoyed I got with my parents for making such a big deal about chores that didn't seem important to me. I remember lunch-time conversations and feeling so exhausted that I literally had to struggle with each hour of class, even if it was one I actually enjoyed.

I don't really sit and dwell on high school anymore. I used to a lot. I hated it here and just wanted things back the way they were. I didn't want to give SMU a chance, and I didn't believe that college could be half as fun as high school was.

I love that adults really seem to value my opinion now. I feel like I can even trust myself more to really think something through and be objective. I love that I'm free to be myself as much as I want. I can join as many activities as I want and be as enthusiastic and involved as I want and I don't need to be labeled as a goody-good or nerd. I love how everything I do and learn really seems to have a point. I love that I don't constantly feel like I'm competing for attention and glory. I love feeling independent and really feeling like I'm capable of handling the small amount of independence I have now. I feel less afraid of being on my own. I feel confident in my abilities and finally realize that I can handle being a journalist. I love being away from the drama and pressure of figuring out who I am. I've realized that who I am is going to constantly change with my experiences. I've also learned that people are too complex to be able to describe their identity in a small amount of words.

High school was an isolated mini-version of the world. Everything is amplified and condensed and it's hard to see the big picture over everything that happens.

Now I can look back at that whole experience and see the big picture. Now I know why bad things happened like they did and why everything seemed so difficult.

And now I can use it all as I move on. I loved high school, but I don't think I'd want to go back. I'm glad I learned what I did, but I don't want to keep learning that way. I'm finally ready to see the rest of the world and not just my own world.

I'm finally ready to live in reality.

lessons to learn this week...

There are some things I really need to learn already. One of those things is NOT PROCRASTINATING! I had a whole week off of school and had plans to catch up and maybe work ahead, plus get some scholarship applications done. I go back tomorrow and I have done maybe 10% of what I planned to get done, and I didn't apply for any scholarships. I have everything done for Monday, which is good. For Tuesday I have to read 10 chapters (they're pretty short, like 4 pages) for a test in Current Science Issues, read 40 pages of Cien Anos de Soledad (don't know how to make Spanish accents on here), and write a 4 page paper- in Spanish- on the same novel. I also need to read a packet about Wal Mart (gag me) and determine the company's strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats for a management project... but I don't know when my group is meeting.

Once I get caught up on all of that I think I need to work on time management. I need to keep caught up in all of my classes along with my 5 clubs, the school newspaper (2 articles due this month!), the Polish-American newsletter back home I write for every now and then, intramural volleyball, volleyball captains' practices for the school team (I'm trying out again next year), working out, eating, and sleeping. A social life might be nice too ;).

I've been trying to learn these lessons for years....so hopefully I can finally master them within the next week?

make new friends, but keep the old

One of the scariest things about graduation was the thought of being apart from my friends. We got to be so close...especially during senior year, and I feel like I've known them forever. I couldn't imagine my life without them, and I was worried about keeping in touch.

It's been 8 months since graduation, and a little over 5 months since we all went our separate ways for college. I've gone weeks without even texting my best friend, and I've gone even longer without talking to the others. I instant messaged one of them today and realized how far apart we all really are. I realized how hard it's gotten to keep in touch. Jenny never really gets to go home because she's playing DI basketball, and although I'm so proud of her and happy for her, I really miss seeing her. I've seen her twice since coming to school, and I'll be lucky if I see her at all Easter weekend. The worst thing is that she doesn't even get much of a summer vacation because of basketball. I talk to Bre every 3 or 4 weeks, and I've seen her a few times...but that's still not nearly enough.

Being away from Steph is the worst. We used to talk every single day. We saw each other at school, sometimes at work, when we hung out, and we'd talk on the phone almost every night for hours. Now we text each other once every week or so. If we're lucky we talk on the phone, but there are many more times when we miss each other or are too busy to talk for long. I see her the most when I'm home, since she goes to St. Thomas, but that's still sooo much less than how much I saw her a year ago.

I didn't think it would be this easy to fall apart. I've barely even talked to my other friends. A facebook comment here, a random text there... I thought we'd write to each other more or call more. The hardest part is realizing that I could just as easily call or write to one of them as they could me. I've managed to find so many things to occupy myself with here that sometimes I forget to consider those options. When I do think of it I realize something else that needs to be done instead.

I love it here at SMU, and I love all the people I've met and the friends I've made. I love being in college and feeling independent and confident. I love really feeling like it's okay to think for myself and do what I want to do. As much as I loved high school, I think I love college ten times more.

But I miss my friends back home. I miss having classes with them and goofing off together. I miss going to games together and assuming that Friday night at 9pm we'd all be at Applebees. I miss taking advantage of our last year.

A friend of mine once told me that the worst part of college is that you're always missing someone. At home you miss your friends from school, and at school you miss your friends and family back home. I definitely agree.

I now have a new fear. I've changed a lot in the last 6 months, and none of those friends have been here as that's happened. I'm sure they've all changed just as much. I'm afraid we won't have as much in common when we see each other again over breaks and over the summer. I'm so afraid that we're going to lose some of our connection...that we're not going to be as close anymore.

I guess I just have to trust our friendship. I have to believe that when we said we'd be friends forever, no matter what, we really meant it.

The dreadful scholarship applications

Ok, so, my first entry was cheesy AND it didn't really make a lot of sense. Now that I've crossed that hurdle of starting and worrying about it being perfect (and then making it sound stupid instead), I can start blogging.

I am still sharing thoughts. They're just going to sound like boring, average college student thoughts. But it's ok, because nobody reads this. Nobody even knows it exists. (So why did I feel the need to write that I know how lame the first entry was?)

Anyway. I was so excited last year when I finished my last college application. I applied to 6. I was going to apply to a few more but convinced my dad that that was unnecessay. I was accepted to all of them, and I'm a good student, so that wasn't the worry. My dad figured I'd get more scholarship money if I had more schools going after me. Seriously though, after filling out 6 applications, writing essays, having transcripts sent, and asking for letters of recommendation... I was tired of it. I couldn't even reuse essays! Every school has its own specific question for you to answer. I could take certain sentences or paragraphs from other essays, but that was almost more work than just writing the whole thing out.

Okay so back to my point. I was so happy to be done with that last application. I felt so free! Until my dad had me start on my scholarship applications. There is no end to torture like that. There are so many scholarships out there, and each application takes time and patience.... and a lot of nagging from my dad. Every few hours he would ask me if I'd finished such-and-such application or he'd ask how many applications I'd gotten done that day. The worst was when I watched tv or went on the computer. I would spend my day at school, work, come home to do homework, and then I was expected to plunge right into the scholarship applications. It was beyond frustrating. If I thought I was excited to finish my college applications, the day my dad let me be done with scholarship applications was like a mix of Christmas, New Years, and my birthday.

One major problem with scholarships is that many are not renewable. Most of the ones that are require a new application the next year. So, now that it is almost February, I'm back to the applications. My dad isn't here to nag me, but the first thing he says to me when we talk is always "how many have you applied for?" Apparently he bugs my mom about it now, so I told her to tell him I've gotten 2 done (which I have). I'm expected to apply for 10 this year.

That's 10 scholarship applications, plus 5 classes, 7 extra-curricular activities, one newsletter back home I write for, a social life, and sleep. I get a whole week off of school starting a week from tomorrow, and since I can't work then I'm sure that will be a major application time. Joy.

Of course, I am still going to make time for blogging and facebooking and enjoying myself. You're only a freshman in college once ;)