What a lame New Year's Eve. I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. I could keep watching tv/movies, but mom decided to stay home, so I'm stuck in the freeeeeezing family room. Maybe I'll just go up to my room and keep applying for jobs or read or something (I've already sent one more job application and have spent the last few hours researching companies and working on my cover letter).

At least the rest of 2010 should be eventful and exciting.

My advisor told me I should cut back on activities. I bet he wouldn't believe that I've thought about it many times this year. I just don't have a solution yet.

I can't quit senate because I'm the VP for academic affairs and represent the student body on two university committees. I can't quit volunteer mentors because volunteering is very important to me, it's not that much of a time committment, and it would be downright unacceptable. I can't quit SAC because I'm a publicity chair, it's only 2 hours out of my week (formally at least), it was my favorite activity the last two years, and I wouldn't hear the end of it. I can't quit the Cardinal because I'm editor in chief. FAC seems to have disappeared, so that's not a problem. I'm co-leading TEC, and that'll be done early next semester anyway. TRBD shouldn't take up too much time, and it's really important to me. Discernment group only meets for 1 hour every other week, and it has helped me out a lot so far. I can't quit my jobs because I need money. I refuse to quit lacrosse.

I've had a handful of people practically attacking me about quitting lacrosse. Their arguments make sense from their points of view. I just started it this year. It takes up quite a bit of time. It'll take up more time in the spring with games and tournaments. There are enough girls on the team, so they don't need me. On paper, they make valid points. However, nothing in real life is the same as it is "on paper." I LOVE being a part of a team again. It's so much different than being part of a regular club. I love competing. I love not being in charge. I love being agressive and trying new things. I love the girls I've met by playing. I already signed the roster and bought my skirt. I've been to the practices and have already put in a lot of time. The team is counting on me (along with all the girls on the roster). I feel like I've been improving a lot and could really contribute to the team. It's the perfect happy medium between a varsity sport and intramurals. It's competitive. I'm part of a team with a Saint Mary's identity. We get to travel and play other schools (including St. Thomas, so my parents can come watch!). It's not an all-encompassing time committment, so I don't have to quit my other activities. I refuse to quit lacrosse. It is not an option.

Next semester will be better anyway. I won't have my internship, my classes should mostly be less time-consuming, and I won't have classes Fridays (though I'll probably have to get another job). I'll also have 4 hours between classes on Mondays and Wednesdays.

I've realized that my most frustrating and time/thought-consuming activity is the Cardinal. I remember thinking freshman year that I never wanted to be editor in chief. Then I was copy editor last year, which surprisingly was a huge time committment and included pretty much everything the editor in chief does, but with less say about how things went. I really disagreed with last year's editor in chief and knew I could do a better job. Basically, I'm going crazy this year because I let my pride get the better of me.

Don't get me wrong, I love editing the Cardinal. I love keeping things organized and having so much say in what stories we cover/run. I love having the final word and standing up to the advisor when he wants to make changes based on his position at the university (he's basically in charge of public relations). I love seeing each finished issue and knowing that my insanity paid off. I just don't know if it's really all that worth it. It's so mentally draining, and I find myself struggling to keep up with emails I receive, emails I have to send out, stories, problems, reporters, editors, and schedules. I'm not looking forward to dealing with this last issue of the semester. Everything is in total chaos right now because a) I was sick the day of the staff meeting, and b) our feature flopped. Oh, and c) Thanksgiving break was smack dab between meeting and deadline. Stories are due Wednesday. Joy. I don't even get a chance to catch up until Christmas break.

Then there are classes and coaching speech at Cotter. Oh, and I'm reading at the Christmas light service, and it's GO time for TEC. I need to put together a new brochure for that once I get back to campus but I feel like I have no time.

I don't have the mental capacity for all of this. My mind is on 23895609237 more things, and I'm not getting nearly enough sleep lately. I don't even remember the point of this blog entry.

I need a break.

There is so much I'd like to blog about right now. I have so much on my mind that I've been itching to write about for a while now, but my blog hasn't been the best place to express my thoughts and feelings lately. I can't just write and leave it be anymore. What can I say...?

I've been sick this week. I got kicked out of the "Cardinal" office Monday night for being too pale, and I spent the entire day yesterday in my village. I missed out on the last night of hard-core editing, which turned out to be a little bit annoying with final edits today. I tried really hard to read while I had the place to myself with no music or conversation to distract me, but I really couldn't focus. I tried doing a PR blog entry, but I just couldn't do that either. I expected that assignment to be easy, but I'm learning that it really isn't. I find it very hard to think like a public relations practicioner as a journalism major. Even though I no longer want to work for a newspaper, I am still very protective of the media and tend to take its side. Public relations has gotten in my way in the past with the "Cardinal," and I tend to get annoyed by some of the things we discuss in PR classes. This makes it surprisingly difficult to blog about issues in PR. I can't explain it, but I need to get over it as soon as possible if I don't want my grade to suffer.

I miss running. I've either been too busy, exhausted, or sick to run lately, and it has me antsy and anxious to get out running again. I haven't even been able to go to lacrosse practice this week, and it's more upsetting than it probably should be.

I'm starting to find myself with more of an opinion on things lately, and I'm more likely to stand up for that opinion. I'm standing my ground more, even on small matters, and it makes me feel ready to get out in the world. I find myself more and more anxious for graduation. My resume is ready to go; I just need to write my cover letter and start sending it out.

I miss random adventures. I really can't wait for my roommates to be done student teaching so things can go back to normal. We used to have so much fun finding the most random things to do, but this semester's been a bit of a dud. During the day we're all in class, evenings are spent at meetings, and at night everyone's working on lesson plans, hanging out with their boyfriends, or getting ready for bed. I'm starting to think having to listen to all of my roommates casually mention their boyfriends all the time is worse than my family constantly asking me if I have a boyfriend yet. At least when my family's just asking questions I don't end up home alone watching movies on a regular basis. I still believe I am just fine without a boyfriend... I just sometimes resent the fact that my roommates have them. I miss hanging out with my roommates.

I suppose I have plenty of things I should be working on right now. I need to start being more productive.

It would be really great if the financial aid and/or business office would be very clear and explicit about how much you owe, when it's due, and what EXACTLY you have to do to have registration holds removed. I'm so frustrated! Every single semester it's the same thing! They're of no help whatsoever.

It's been a long time since I've written, but I don't want to have to take time to go over everything I've missed to get to my point, so... S.O.U.L. was fun, I'm going home for Thanksgiving now and I still don't know what to do with my life. Oh, and I may not do long-term volunteering now.

Senior year really isn't turning out the way I expected it to. I see my roommates less than I did when we didn't live together, and things aren't going all that smoothly with that; I STILL haven't gone to the apple orchard , but my friends have gone without me; I feel 10x busier even though I don't think my responsibilities have changed too much; I'm always tired and cranky, but I can't imagine giving up anything; oh, and I spend probably around 40% of my nights alone in the village. I miss random adventures with my friends. I miss staying up late talking about anything and everything. I miss watching FRIENDS for hours on end.

We were going to have a girls night the first week back, and that still hasn't happened. We haven't had any random dance parties (unless you count the night Molly and I did aerobics in the living room while watching Richard Simmons on YouTube). We haven't gone to Perkins once. We have gone to Ground Round, but only so everyone else could drink. My roommates spend their weekends either with their boyfriends or at the bars... and when it's not one of those, they're too tired to do anything.

I'm sick of my classes and really don't think I'm getting much out of them anymore. I'm bored with having so many journalism/PR classes, especially now that I know I don't want to write for a newspaper (and I'm not a PR major anyway). I don't like sitting still and listening to someone talk at me. I participate in discussions, but only because I know the answers and it keeps me a little more focused.

I miss my family. A lot. Phone calls aren't the same though.

Maybe things will be better next semester when I don't have my internship and will have no more than one class on Fridays. As long as I can do Photo Digital Imaging as an independent study so I don't have to take Case Studies in PR...

October break - S.O.U.L.

I'm trying to convince myself that going on this S.O.U.L. trip is the best thing for me. In almost any situation, this would be easy. However, I have been feeling very overwhelmed lately, and I haven't been sleeping well, and a break would be really nice right about now.

If I were all packed I'd go to sleep now. It's hard to fit everything I'm going to need between now and Tuesday (which is quite a bit considering we're camping out and it's supposed to snow) into a duffle bag and a backpack... especially when all I want to do is sleep.

Meanwhile, I spent yet another night alone in 212. It's getting to be a little ridiculous that I saw my current roommates more last year when I didn't live with them than I do now.

Now I'm just getting cranky. I need to finish packing. (We leave at 8am tomorrow.)

My faith has always been an important part of my life, but in the last couple months it has really become my main focus. I like that. :)

The busier I am, the less time I have to think about things I really don't want to think about. If I elaborate, I'll be thinking about those things, so I won't.

Last year, editing the first issue of the Cardinal took forever. We only had 12 pages because we didn't have enough stories, and we were in the office until 4am on the Tuesday of editing weekend. This year, we have to hold a few stories for next month, we can't use many photos, we have the full 16 pages, and we were out of the office by 10 tonight. We started printing pages yesterday, and all I need to do is add 3 photos and go over it with Bob before sending it off to the Post. :)

I have to research and write a position paper tomorrow because of how crazy this weekend was. That's not going to be fun.

I decided I'm going to run the Stillwater Marathon on May 30. I figure I'll probably end up wanting to run another marathon, so I think I'll save Grandma's Marathon for next year. Stillwater is smaller and closer to home, and it looks like Grandma's is the same weekend as Miss Minnesota, and I want to be able to go cheer on Molly!

So that means I have 249 days to prepare! Yay for goals :)

Colds, races, and editing

My immune system always seems to fail me at the worst possible times. I woke up Thursday with a cold, couldn't sleep at all Thursday night, and felt 10 times worse on Friday. It's an editing weekend for the Cardinal - the first editing weekend of the year. It's also the weekend we went to Walker for Molly's marathon and my 10k.

The races went well. I finished in 53:27, which beats my other 10k time by at least 2 minutes. I placed 41st out of 267 runners and 1st in my age group, so I even got a medal! That was pretty exciting. I also ran a little over 7 miles with Molly during her marathon, which was actually a lot of fun. It was slower though, so that was pretty tough on my knees, ankles, and hips.

Molly did well. She finished in 5 hours and 27 minutes and was 1st in her age group.

The Cardinal's looking good so far! I'm lucky to have such great, dedicated editors this year. We have two pages completely done already! I'm at work now, and then I'll go to church, but after that I'll go back to the Cardinal office to work on it some more. I think we're actually ahead of schedule from last year, which is really exciting! We still have tomorrow and Tuesday to get the layout done and finish making edits.

I actually think my cold has just about run its course already. I slept almost the entire 6 hour drive up to Walker Friday night and then went to bed around 10. I felt good running yesterday and got a lot of fresh air, and then I went to bed before 10. I also slept a good chunk of the 6 hour drive back today. Now I just have an annoying cough and a sick-sounding voice. I hope I can get enough sleep tonight and feel well-rested enough to get through editing.

If I were to think about characteristics that would make a person a hero, I think one of those characteristics would be that he or she wouldn't use struggles, bad days, or obstacles as an excuse to not work as hard, try as hard, believe as hard. I would expect a hero to push right through without complaining or even mentioning those things that make the task harder. There's something really unsettling about someone who can only do great things in the right conditions and lets the struggles beat him or her down. There are no excuses. Sure, people will understand if you aren't feeling well or if things aren't going well for you, but what makes you truly admirable is the ability to keep going strong despite those obstacles.

There's nothing special about a flashlight in the middle of a sunny day. If that flashlight burns out the moment it gets dark out, it's useless.

I have finally figured out time management! I managed to take on even more activities/responsibilities this year, yet I still don't feel overwhelmed, and I'm keeping up with readings and class work better than ever. I have a tiny bit of catch-up reading to do for Contemporary Issues in Media Communication, but I'm keeping up for the most part, have some time to catch up this weekend, and I'm at least getting a bit of a head start on my term paper for that class (I'm planning on using a topic similar to what I use for my position paper in PR Writing).

I really should have finished my story for the Cardinal tonight, but I got a good start on it and have some time tomorrow to finish in time for the deadline.

Speaking of the Cardinal, tomorrow's the first deadline. We moved deadlines up to Wednesdays this year, and section editors will send stories with their edits in by Thursday. I've already gone in and set up the layout in Quark, and I looked up all of the scores for the scoreboard in the sports section. One of the copy editors is a graphic design major, and we have one or two other computer-savvy people willing to help with the layout. That should save a lot of time when we're editing stories. I'm meeting with the managing editor and copy editors tomorrow to go through this weekend, and I'm going to ask Travis to get the ads done tomorrow or Thursday. The only things that should slow us down will be that I don't quite remember all the guidelines and nobody else knows them (I doubt this will be a big issue), and very few of our staff writers have any experience writing in AP style. I'm still really confident in this issue though, and we at least have good, dedicated photographers!

Overall, I feel very accomplished today. I even sent emails to try to arrange my October and November volunteer opportunities. I refuse to slack off with Mentors this year. I refuse to slack off with anything, really. I love this school, and I don't want to let any part of it down. This is my last year to soak in all things SMU, and I intend to get it right.

So far, so good.

I really wish people would stop trying to push me. I can manage my own life and sometimes wish people would butt out just a little bit.

I have had the hardest time signing into this blog this semester! I'm not sure what's been going on, but it looks like I finally got it to work again... Just in time to not really feel like blogging about anything.

At least I know it's working again.

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

I haven't been doing a very good job of following my favorite quote. I've been so worried about finding what I'm supposed to do in life that I've forgotten that I can do almost anything I want to. It's not bad that I don't have a specific plan. It means I have options. It means I can really take the opportunity to do some long term volunteering and/or traveling before figuring out my career. I have the perfect chance to do some exploring and find some brand new experiences for myself. I have time to figure out how to live on my own and deal with problems before I have too much to focus on all at once.

Graduating college is like kicking off the training wheels on a bike. You hit the same bumps and obstacles, but you need to learn to adjust quicker and balance better. I think this year I'm going to focus less on the final destination and more on just learning how to ride.

I have a lot to say. Not specifically right here, right now, but in general. I'm constantly distracted by thoughts and ideas, and I tend to share the majority of those with anyone around me. It's not a secret that I'm talkative. I know that people really respect those people who speak little but say a lot, but I'm just not one of those people. I ramble and babble and get off topic on a regular basis. I have real things to say, things of worth, but I don't trust those ideas with just anyone. You gain my trust by listening to me, and in the end you get the real me. Sometimes you have to read between the lines, but I really do usually have a point. There's a lot I don't share directly, but I know that the people who have taken the time to understand me will know when I'm hurting or in trouble. Those are the people who can distinguish between my regular random moments, happy-go-lucky tendencies and when I am truly and overwhelmingly happy.

My words and thoughts are very important to me. I don't trust them with just anyone. I can have a good, real conversation, but I will only really and completely open up if I believe I will be taken seriously and won't be judged for feeling a certain way.

The most hurtful thing anyone could do to me is to tell me not to say something. I despise being shushed, I hate being interrupted, and I take offense to being told I can't express myself. I don't really worry about what others think of me. Believe it or not, I do think before I speak. I know words have power, but I also know that some words are just space fillers. I'm also learning more and more that words have only as much power as your audience gives them. (My words aren't very powerful in this sense, but they're still my treasure.)

I'm getting really sick of not being heard. I think somewhere along the line I stopped trusting others to listen and started saying everything. I think I somehow thought that the more I said, the more likely it was for someone to hear- really hear- my most important thoughts.

I think I started writing because I lost my voice. A notebook or journal or computer screen can't ignore you, roll its eyes at you, laugh at you or interrupt you. You're free to work through your thoughts until you find what you really mean. You can babble and ramble and change topics as much as it takes while you sort through the millions of thoughts bombarding your mind.

I really think I'm starting to lose my trust in people. I find myself wanting to be alone with my thoughts more often, because at least I care about what I'm thinking. I like to run because I don't need to worry about pressure or competition from anyone but myself (for the most part). I blog because it's the only way I can sort through my head. I prefer to eat alone because I don't trust people not to say hurtful things. I like to shop alone because I don't trust others to let me be who I am. I feel like I'm slowly closing myself off. I say less of what I'm thinking and more of what I see and what's going on around me. I've all but stopped leaving clues to what I really want to say. I just don't trust people as deeply as I used to.

I feel like people don't respect me. Even when I feel I've earned their respect, they still seem to look down on me. I'm sick of being a doormat, but I'm not a fan of confrontation. When I do try to stand up for myself, I'm belittled even more, and I feel so inferior to everyone that it just makes me angry again.

I used to feel so in control. I was in control of my thoughts, words and actions. Now I feel like I've lost that control. I can't even sort through my own thoughts and emotions. I feel stuck and smothered, and I can't even figure out what I want or need or think anymore.



I should not be allowed to blog at 2 in the morning..

I've always had a plan. I've always had some kind of answer to any question I found myself asking. That's why it's so hard for me to be okay with not knowing what I'll be doing after graduating in 10 months. I've learned to really like going with the flow and just living life without being too preoccupied with set plans and rigid goals, but I feel like I've lost all of my motivation. I used to consider myself an ambitious and competitive person above all. I used to worry about money and prestige and power. Now I just want to know that I'll be able to do something that actually means something. I want to be sure that I have a reason to go to work every day. I want to know that I won't get bored within a month. I don't want my job to get in the way of my life and family. I want to be a soccer mom. I want to be active in my kids' lives, and I want to have energy for life when I get home from work. I also don't want work to be something to pass the time and earn money. I want to believe in what I'm doing.

I know what I want in life, to a certain extent (and I don't need to know any more about that just yet), but I don't have the slightest idea what I want to DO. I know who I want to be, but I don't know what I want to be.

SMU countdown: 8 weeks

I can't take this anymore! I'm so sick of being told that my feelings don't matter! I can't control them, and I think I have every right to feel how I feel. I'm usually really good at keeping that to myself, but when I'm trapped without some kind of outlet (running, for instance), I'm prone to moodiness and frustration before finally snapping and saying something. Really, I should be able to say something. What makes anyone think it's ok to tell someone they can't feel a certain way? How can I "not have a right" to miss my friends or running? I'm stuck in an office all day and spend more time than I probably should daydreaming about what I'd be doing if I were outside, and then I come home and have to follow someone else's schedule. I'm not complaining about doing it; I know I promised to help. I'm just not used to being confined to someone else's priorities anymore.

I have been helping though, and it really upsets me that I'm constantly being criticized for not doing as much as others. I don't have as much time as others, since I get home from work around 5:30. It's really hard to get motivated to get going after sitting at a desk for 8 hours (I don't even take a lunch break lately; I just eat at my desk and keep working). Nobody said I had to be cheerful about it. Why should it matter as long as the work gets done? I have been working. I've been doing what's been asked of me, and I don't think it's fair to be constantly harped on for that.

I'm so frustrated right now. I feel smothered. I can't even have an opinion in this house! I'm stuck doing what everyone tells me to do (including my little sister, which has gotten far beyond annoying). I miss being at school and setting my own priorities and following my own schedule and eating what I want, when I want (instead of waiting until 9:20pm).

For those who like to read my blog and tell my dad about it so he can tell me what not to write in my own blog (which really makes me mad), please understand that I still love my family very much and simply need a way to vent my feelings since I can't leave the house, anyone I would talk to about it is asleep, and screaming would only get me in more trouble.

Livin' on a prayer

I'm itching to go on an adventure. I don't even care what kind. It can be as simple as when we hiked up to "the rock" in the mud during a tornado watch last week. Okay, I made that sound misleadingly exciting. The weather was just fine, despite the tornado watch, and we didn't know about the watch until we had already decided to go. Still, I loved hiking in the bluffs and getting muddy. I really want to go on a road trip, even a day trip, to someplace random. I really want to go explore some place I've never been. I feel like there aren't many opportunities for adventures when I'm back home.

I keep getting more and more excited about the idea of spending a year in Europe after graduation. I should really check on that scholarship ASAP. I still might decide to do some volunteering after that too. It'd be a really great opportunity for new experiences, and I might as well do as many different things as I can before really getting out there in the "real world."

Annnnnyway. I'm not sure if I mentioned it yet, but I reached one of my running goals for the summer! I ran 10 miles last Sunday. :) I can't wait for Kaja's grad party to be out of the way so I have more time to run.

I need to find new running routes too...

10 miles!!!!! :)

I think working New Student Orientation is the best kind of vacation. I'm still getting paid, even if it is less than back home. I'm in Winona, which is awesome in itself. I'm on campus with my friends. I get to help new students see how awesome SMU is. It's pretty easy work too.

Yesterday after church I went for a 10 mile run in the bluffs and around the lake a couple times. It felt amazing! It was such a gorgeous day too! Hot, yes, but I tend to run better in the heat for some reason. I'm so glad I made my summer goal so early in the summer too! It's so weird to think that when I started, I really struggled through one mile. I could barely imagine running for 10 straight minutes, and now I'm at almost an hour and a half of just running. Not just that, but I tend to run up any hill I see. I love knowing I can push myself so hard. :)

After my run, I showered and then we went to the beach. That was fun. :) Then we ordered Erbs&Gerbs for dinner and went to the park until it got dark, and we finished the night off watching Pursuit of Happyness on TV.

We went to the beach again today. :):)

I am already tanner than I've gotten the last few summers! Most of it is from running, but I also got a lot of color from the beach yesterday (and probably today).

The best part about this week is getting away from the 'stress' of Kaja's grad. party. Everyone's freaking out, which I think is unnecessary. It's nice that I can just relax a bit before that last week of preparations so I can be more patient and willing to help out. I want it to turn out okay, but I have no reason to believe it won't anyway. People are just going to be happy to get a chance to see each other, and as long as there's food and alcohol, nobody can really complain, can they?

Anyway. Life is good :)

It's been a long time since I've written. I've wanted to write many times in the last month, but I always find myself either too busy or too tired to think.

Most of my thoughts this summer have revolved around what to do after graduation next year, but now (as of yesterday) I have a new 2-4 year plan. I'm going to spend a year taking classes in Poland... just language classes so I can actually feel confident speaking my first language again. This part of the plan depends on scholarships. If I don't get that, I'll do long-term volunteering with Lasallian Volunteers or Americorps or something. Even if I do get to go to Poland, I might still volunteer for a while. By then I might have an idea of what I want to do.

I feel so relieved now that I have an answer to the "what are you doing after graduation?" question. I feel like I can breathe and enjoy my last year now. I'll just keep building experiences and keep my eyes/mind open to possible career tracks. Maybe I'll visit the career center at school... We'll see. Either way, I no longer feel the need to panic. Nothing good could come of that.

I don't know why I was always in such a rush to get out of school and into the business world. I like learning, and I have many, many years to work. With how easily bored I can get, I shouldn't rush into something that might end up being the same thing day after day for years.

Bottom line: I'm super excited for my new plan :)

I'm seriously addicted to Cheesecake in a Jar. I really hope you can order it online, or I'll have to make another trip to Canada very soon.

May is almost over. People keep saying that they can't believe how quickly it's gone by, but I actually don't agree. It feels like ages ago that I was turning in my stats final and leaving SMU. It's not even like all that much has happened; it just feels like it's been a very full month.

I got up to 8 miles a couple weeks ago. Then I went a week without running while in Canada. I could've easily stuck to a simple 3 mile run yesterday, but I pushed myself to run almost 5. Today I ran 6.6. It makes me really happy to know I can push myself like that. I've been a little nervous lately that I've been losing a lot of my self-motivation since I decided it's okay to not have a plan right now. I know that once I decide on something, I'll go after it full-force, but it's kind of hard to think that way when I've been going with the flow for a while. I'll figure it out. I always do.

You could make a really simple snack by spreading Cheesecake in a Jar on a grahm cracker and topping it off with sliced strawberries...

I was almost hit by a car today. The guy was at a red light, waiting to turn right. I had a green light and a 'walk' sign. When I looked at the guy, he wasn't moving (he was busy looking left for on-coming traffic). He apparently didn't bother to look right... or right in front of him. I was seriously right in front of his car when he started moving. The car came (no exaggeration) less than an inch away from my left thigh, right under my hip. He didn't even stop... I had to dodge around the corner of the car. Good thing I was running.

Okay, I need to write this article and finish cleaning the cabinets so I can go back to enjoying the gorgeous weather...

365 days :(

It's only the 3rd day of summer vacation, but I already want to go back to SMU. I miss it so much! I don't know how I'm going to make it through graduation next year... it's going to be tough.

I graduate exactly one year from today. That's insane.

I've been really nervous lately about not having a plan. I know it's good that I'm kind of going with the flow, but it's still been worrying me. I've always had some sort of plan. I've always had some answer ready for the inevitable "what's next?" questions from family, friends of the family, and friends of my parents ("Hi, nice to meet you. What are you doing after graduation?"). It's been a little awkward lately hadling those with a simple "I'm not exactly sure yet," but at least it's honest.

I really do like not having a plan. As nervous as I am, I'm at least not stressing over having made the wrong decision or having my life mapped out for me. I don't have to make decisions based on what I want the end result to be. I can make decisions that are right for me and wait to see what the end result will be. It feels like my life has more purpose when every action and decision matters. I feel much more free knowing that I still have options in life. I think I'll be more likely to find something I really enjoy this way. Let's face it- I'm not all that motivated by money. I've grown up learning that I have to be perfect and work hard to someday make a lot of money and be happy. I've now learned that the world won't end if I make some mistakes, and money won't make me happy. I can stop thinking about the things I'm better than everyone at and start thinking about things I care about most. There's a lot I can do out there, and I like the idea of exploring all those options.

I might be graduating in a year, but that doesn't mean I only have one year to plan out my life. Life really isn't something to be tamed and trained to your own standards anyway. Life happens, and you're only going to be disappointed if you don't learn to roll with the punches. It's big and messy and inconsistent out there, and I'd be very naive to think I could figure it all out before I really get out there and become a part of it. (Really, that would only be saying I'm not already a part of it.)

People get so caught up in the idea that we only get one life and we have to live it right. They make lists and plans and goals and work tirelessly to achieve their dreams. The problem is that if they fail to do what they set out to do, they decide they failed at life. If you ask me, you don't need to reach your goals to succeed at life. You don't need to make a lot of money or find the so-called person of your dreams. You don't have to be the strongest or bravest or most powerful. You don't have to be the most famous or most popular. How sucky would it be if only the people who reach the top of our own conceived success "ladders" were considered to have lived good, fulfilling lives? Why do we need those things to be happy?

Why even qualify happiness? 'If I get that promotion, I'll be happy.' 'If I graduate with a 4.0 GPA, I'll be happy.' 'If I marry a doctor, I'll be happy.' Why can't you just be happy? 'I'm happy.' It's that simple. Why do you have to be unhappy if something doesn't go your way? Why do you have to be unhappy if you run into an obstacle? Why can't you be happy in spite of those things? Why can't you be happy and find success? 'I'm happy, and I got a promotion.'

Being happy with life isn't about what you do with your life. It's all about attitude.

Now I just need to remember that as I go through my last summer as a student, my last year of college, and life after graduation..

Today is Study Day..

I'm at work for the last time. :( I'm going to miss the Daily.

I hope we get out early tonight though. I'm on until 11, and then I'm driving back home. I was originally going to drive back tomorrow morning, but that would mean somehow waking up early (my phone is still broken, I have no alarm clock, and now I can't get the sound on my laptop to turn back on), packing up my car (which took a loooong time), and driving for 2 hours. Then I'd drive right back tomorrow night. This way I can wake up at home, unpack my car, and study all day before getting a new phone, going to Festival of Nations for a little bit, and coming back to Winona.

-I'm really excited to get a new phone!-

I'm so tired. I should really start going to bed sooner. My mattress at school is so bad though that I just don't sleep well, and I think a part of me just tries to avoid it. At least I got my packing almost completely out of the way. Tomorrow I'll study for Philosophy of Person, and then Saturday and Sunday will be devoted to studying for my other three finals. My PR final is terms only, which will be easy enough... especially since so many of those are the same as the terms I had to learn for Reporting II and Media Law last semester. I'm not too worried about Environmental Biology either, as long as I look over my notes a few times. Stats is going to be tougher. I should at least organize my notes for that a bit tomorrow. I didn't do so well on the last test, so I really need to do well on the final.

I shouldn't have to be stressing over Stats. I'd be fine if I had kept up this semester. The actual concepts are easy... I just should have been practicing problems and doing assignments. It's been really hard to try to motivate myself in that class. Lectures were dull and too slow for me (my fault I guess for taking a lower level than I tested into), and I never put much priority on homework for that class. I definitely regret that. I actually did really well with that for the first 2 tests, but then I fell behind and never caught up.

At least I don't have any papers or projects to worry about, besides my final art project. I should really figure out what exactly I need to do for that... It should be less involved than the self-portrait.

I'm actually really happy with how the self-portrait turned out. I was so unhappy when he announced that project, but it was by far my favorite one to work on. I wish I hadn't had to rush so much at the end, but it turned out ok. I might do another one this summer... I still have supplies left over.

Work is sloooow today. We already sent in the city roundup though, and a good chunk of the area stuff has come in, so hopefully we'll be done early..? We'll see...

What's the square root of 798? I'll never have to know :)

I'm almost done! Today I survived my last ever math class and last ever lab! It was so hard to sit through a two-hour lecture (in lab), but I will never have to worry about it again! Tomorrow I have a bio lecture and then art class, where we're just working on final projects. That's it. Then I have to finish my final project and get through four finals and I'm done. It's weird to be at this point in the year already... especially to be at this point in the year and not have any papers to write or assignments to finish (besides my self-portrait for art). I'll have a chunk of time tomorrow too since PR is optional (and I'm not going). I guess I have some paperwork to get done too, but that's nothing major.

I think I'm going to start packing after work tonight...

I promise I wasn't daydreaming in class (too much)

You know what I really don't understand about some girls? They rely completely on guys to validate their self-worth. They refuse to accept any compliments from friends or family, but the minute a guy tells them they're pretty they start to feel better about themselves. They don't even consider how many guys out there will say anything to get what they want, and then they end up hurt. Then they have an even lowered sense of self-worth. It's a vicious cycle, and it totally baffles me that some girls will fall victim to it over and over again.

I'm not saying that every guy out there giving a compliment is full of b.s., and I'm not saying that the compliments aren't at least based in truth. I just can't stand the thought of girls basing their sense of personal value on what guys tell them. Honestly, I don't think they need to look for compliments from anyone. (Obviously friends and family will be more likely to offer them anyway.) I wish more girls out there would just learn to love themselves (cheesy, I know) and learn to be happy with who they are. They should be proud of the people they are becoming, and they shouldn't be putting themselves on hold in order to let a guy run their self-perceptions.

self-portrait

I love it when life makes connections for you. If you're doing a lot of personal reflection and thinking about your identity, your art teacher will assign a self-portrait. If you're thinking about some sort of long-term volunteering, they sing the St. Francis of Assisi prayer song at church.

I think I actually groaned when Professor McColl said we were doing a self-portrait project, but it's actually turning out to be my favorite thing we've done so far. I'm even happy with how I drew it... including my ear and nose. I really like dividing the entire thing into 1-inch squares and really focusing on each one. I like using magazines for some of the squares and finding things that either match practically or metaphorically. I like really analyzing this different side of myself. I've been analyzing my personality, motivations, goals, and character. I've analyzed my appearance. I've never really analyzed my face this way. I've never focused on the shapes and lines and how unique and complex they are while somehow still being simple. It's a fun project.

I love when I go through little spurts of time where it seems like I'm doing nothing but noting my personal growth. It feels really good to realize that I've gotten even more confident and that I really am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. It feels great to push myself and realize that in just over a year, I have gone from struggling to get through 1 mile on a level surface to making it through 7 miles, mostly against the wind and at least halfway uphill. There's such a great sense of accomplishment there. It's amazing to see how much more self control I have, and it's reassuring to see how level-headed I can be. Situations that would mean definite and immediate drama not too long ago are totally manageable, albeit a little frustrating, now. I love that I no longer feel the need to validate my worth. I don't need to worry about making others like me. I don't need to change to what others want. I just needed to realize who I wanted to be, become that person, and find that as long as I'm happy with that, that's all that matters.

For once in my life, I feel totally in control, and all it took was giving up some control. I'm learning from my mistakes and having so much fun. I can't believe I was ever apprehensive about college. I wouldn't trade this time for anything else in the world.

I changed my mind again. Surprise, surprise. I don't think I want to go to law school anymore. I still don't want to be a journalist.

Honestly, I have no idea what I want to do. The difference now is that I'm not really freaking out about it. I'm not going to force myself to figure it all out and come up with a plan. I'm always so preoccupied with my plan and my future, and I won't be happy if I force myself into anything. I can be enthusiastic about just about anything for at least a while. I need to just see what I actually can be excited about for the rest of my life.

The rest of my life is a really long time (hopefully). Soooo.... I'm thinking about long-term volunteering or the Peace Corps again. Someone actually suggested I consider the Peace Corps the other day... I'm going to look into it again.

Either way, I'm not going to worry about it right now. I'm not changing my major, so I have some time to see what happens.

I'm in a great mood. :) The last issue of the Cardinal is done and will come out Friday. I'm excited for it; it'll be a good issue.

I ran 7 miles today! Most of it uphill and against the wind. My ankle's pretty sore right now, but it's totally worth it. That felt amazing.

I'm so loving life right now :):)

I went on the most amazing run today. It felt great to keep running even though I was running against the wind and uphill most of the way. I really cleared my head too. It was awesome. :)

My friends are really happy right now, and things seem to be going right for them.

Therefore, I am a happy person. :)

I get by with a little help from my friends

I really have the greatest friends. They won't let me get away with anything stupid, and I know I can trust them to be honest with me. I'm really lucky to have them, and I know they'll be VIP's in my life for a very long time.

In other news, I've gone through a whole rotation of emotions in the last 26 hours or so. I seriously think I've gone through at least 80% of the emotions I've ever experienced. It's been an intense week so far.

Things are looking up right now though. :)

I'm just glad spring break is almost here. I can't believe how close we're getting to the end of the year!

I have every reason in the world to be a happy, confident, optimistic, headstrong woman.

So I'm gonna be.

TRBD 2009

The benefit dance was last night, and it was so much fun! It was such a relief to see things turn out so well, and I've never had so much fun just dancing! I got to wear my homecoming dress from senior year, which I never thought would fit me again, and I got to wear my old prom shoes! The heels killed after a while, but it was so much fun to wear heels, especially since last year I still had my ankle wrapped and had to wear flats. I felt really good about myself, and I think that really helped me let go and dance without feeling self-conscious.

It was an overall great night. :)

I made it through my tests today. I think I'll be fine on bio tomorrow as long as I look over my notes. I'll finally be able to breathe after that one. The rest of the week should be a breeze after that.

I officially do not have anyone running against me for Student Senate VP of Academic Affairs, so unless there is some huge write-in campaign I should be safe with that. Sweet.

I register for classes tomorrow. I can't believe how close we're getting to the end of the year! I also can't believe how many of my friends are staying on campus this summer.

...

I guess I'll go be productive or something...

I'm thinking too many things lately, and it's really getting in the way of things I need to get done. I have two tests tomorrow and one on Wednesday, but I'm not really studying for any of them. I really should be. I just can't focus. I also need to write some kind of bio (?) for senate elections. Oh, and it's Cardinal editing time, and Cotter speech goes to subsections Thursday. I just ate two quesadillas I wasn't even hungry for, my throat hurts, and I really want to run but didn't have time today. I think I might go crazy.

This weekend was pretty awesome. It was nice to go home, and I had a lot of fun hanging out with my family.

Tomorrow is going to be BUSY. I have two tests in a row, then I have aerobics, then lunch and lab, some editing, coaching, and more editing and studying for my last test until senate. Then edit/study some more. Yikes.

The dance is Saturday too, so there's ticket selling, silent auctioning, and last-minute planning.

I need a vacation.

I can no longer write about thoughts, ideas, and feelings on my blog. That means I probably won't write as much, and when I do it will basically be a laundry list of the day's events. Meanwhile, my thoughts, ideas, and feelings will stay trapped in my head, which will leave me to think about them much more than i need to, and I will probably say even more random/dumb things because I won't be focusing on what I'm saying. I'll have no outlet, and eventually I might become an angry, resentful person. This is because people tend to misinterpret what I write. I don't even know how... sometimes I go back to re-read entries to see if I'm subconsciously sending out negative messages or warnings, but nothing sounds all that bad to me. I will say, for the record, that I say many positive things about my parents because I love them and know they have made a lot of sacrifices for me. One paragraph written out of disappointment does not undo that. My family means the world to me. However, I am still young enough to find myself feeling selfish sometimes. I also think very differently than my family does a lot of the time. This leads to occasional disappointments, but that is very definitely overpowered by all of the wonderful things my parents do for me. I am incredibly lucky, and please don't insult me by claiming that I don't appreciate them. I do.

In an update, I got the $800 charge for testing out of grammar straightened out.

The weather has been perfect for a good, thought-clearing walk and/or run in the bluffs or around the lake. I could definitely use it. Unfortunately, I don't have time. The only reason I have time to write this right now is because I just got done with dinner and have 20 minutes until senate.

I have a lot I need to get done. After finally finishing my feature for the daily, I literally sat starting at my bulletin board thinking for 45 minutes. No exaggeration. I was a few minutes late for the TRBD meeting because of it. That is the absolute lamest reason for being late to something, especially considering I'm a co-chair. I feel terrible and irresponsible for that.

Sometimes I really want to just ignore my responsibilities and go clear my head. It is entirely unfair that the only people who have enough time to do that don't even need it.

I think I'm going to save my art homework for last and paint for myself once I finish. I need to do something...

How is it possible to feel so many contradictory emotions at the same time?

Random thoughts for today

The most important lessons I've learned in college haven't been in classrooms or textbooks.

Volunteering at the food shelf was fun. I hope to do it again soon.

I have not been able to focus lately. I know this is not new, but it's been even worse the last week. Today I was in the library from 4-5:20, 5:45-6:40, 7:45-8:45 and 9:40?-11:30. I managed to finish 7 stats problems (that were just definitions). My mind wanders much too much sometimes.

I'm very tired, but I need to finish writing a story.

The rules are not open to interpretation.

I don't know who or what to believe anymore. We're told that any concerns or problems will be heard and taken care of, then we learn that certain plans and changes have been in the works for months, and the administration is mad that students know. So was the plan to spend almost the entire year figuring it out and then just make the change out of nowhere? Then students would be "free to voice concerns," the administration would listen and "take things into consideration," but then ultimately stick with the plan they've already spent so much time on? Even if we do say something now we have restrictions on what we can and can't ask? We can't express concern, only ask questions? What kind of bullshit is that? We are adults. We are college students. The offices and services offered here at the university are here for us. Why shouldn't we know what's going on? Why shouldn't we express concern for big changes that are going to affect us? Why shouldn't we say what we want to say about it? Why do we need to be so careful not to upset the administration? They're supposed to be doing things in our best interests. They're here for us. It pisses me off that there's ultimately nothing we can do.

I want answers. Real answers. I'm sick of having to figure things out based on very emotional and biased stories, no matter how much I trust the source. I want to know what is going on, and I want to know why we weren't notified sooner. I want to know what they think they're here for, because it's obviously not for us.

I love this school. I have more school spirit than almost anyone I've met here. I do good things here and am very involved, and I am very loyal to Saint Mary's as a whole. This really just leaves me feeling betrayed. I don't trust the university anymore, despite how much I love it. I don't trust anything I hear, and I no longer believe the administration is acting in the students' best interests. If they were, they would be much more open to student input. They wouldn't be trying to shut us up.

I'll Be Fearless For You

TEC was this weekend. I really needed it... it couldn't have come at a better time. I feel so much better about things. I feel kind of like I did when Kelli and I finally found our way out of Chicago over February break. I think I actually got more out of this TEC than when I made TEC. I was able to appreciate it the whole time, rather than warming up to it, I needed it more, and giving the Christian Life talk helped a lot too. I was so nervous for it, not because I didn't want to give a talk, but because I didn't think I was the right person for that topic. I stressed about it for over a month, trying to tweak and perfect what I wanted to say. It wasn't until Friday that I let go that I was able to figure it all out. Gotta love Die Day. (No, that's not some morbid thing to be worried about. TEC is based on the paschal mystery, and Die Day refers to the day you die to yourself and let go of distractions and obstacles between you and your relationship with God.)

I loved the TECites too! They were so open right away, and they had so much energy and enthusiasm! It was awesome!

The only bummer was not getting a parent letter for the second TEC in a row. When I made TEC I got one from my dad, and it was one of the best moments of the weekend. Last year my mom called to tell me she hadn't written one in time. I was disappointed, but I could tell from her voice that she was sorry. One of my friends/advisors wrote me a "family" letter so I wouldn't be sitting awkwardly alone while everyone else read theirs and laughed and cried. This year I got a letter written by Molly. My parents didn't even make an effort. I was even talking to my mom later and mentioned the retreat, but she said nothing about the letter. I don't really understand why they couldn't write one. I don't get why my family doesn't share real feelings. Even my senior year parent note for the yearbook was a generic one. It made me feel bad I made them spend the money to include it. I guess I just expected something more personal. It just kind of hurts to see everyone else's families making the effort while my own family doesn't even seem to realize how much it would mean to me. I was looking forward to family letter time the entire weekend, and it's one of the last things we do on the retreat. Some people get multiple letters (one TECite got 7 this year) from various family members and friends. I got one letter written by Molly because the person in charge of family letters saw I wasn't getting one. Again.

I don't like that TEC is over. I really liked the closeness, sharing, laughing, crying, and hugging. I liked being able to acknowledge and be open with my feelings. I liked remembering that I have so many feelings. I liked having time to talk and think and discuss and really open up with others.

I think that's why I've been so unhappy lately. I have a lot of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, but I've learned to suppress them because people don't really care about that. Nobody wants to know what you're really feeling. I got sick of being labled as the overly-sensitive one, so I closed myself off. The problem with that is that I really am a very open person. I'm suppressing who I really am because people don't seem to be able to/want to handle it. I like having a good cry every now and then. I like laughing and crying and laughing again in a matter of minutes. I like having a lot of feelings. I just wish I had an outlet for them.

Isn't it amazing how much you can learn about yourself in a weekend if you just let go of who you're trying to be?

What a long day.

Today I went to the capitol to lobby to keep the state grant. I didn't get to talk to my rep. or senator because they were both in session, but I got to talk to a few others. I also watched a little bit of each session. It bothers me that they don't pay any attention. They don't seem to be working hard. They sit on the phone or online or just talk while others speak. They don't allow for real discussion or give the opportunity to change their minds. It's ridiculous. Then there was the first rep. we talked to. She's not on the education committee, so she just gets all her advice from the rep. whose office is next to her's... and that rep. isn't even on the higher ed. committee; she's on the K-12 committee.

After getting back I got to hang out with Katie a bit. I haven't gotten to talk to her all week, so that was nice.

After dinner I got some unpleasant news... frustrating news.

Then there was a TEC meeting, which was awesome. I'm so excited for this weekend!

Then I got some sad news.

I'm going to be doing all kinds of praying this weekend. It's going to be good.

I hate knowing that people read my blog. Or at least, I hate having to acknowledge it. I can't write what I think anymore. I can't sort through the stuff I really need to sort through because people misinterpret what I say.

Don't worry about me. I have weird methods/thought processes to go about figuring stuff out, but it's nothing to be concerned about. It's good to have feelings and emotions. They remind you that you're alive.

This has not been a good week so far.

I apparently like to torture myself. I shouldn't be allowed to think on editing weekends. Okay, so I need to think. I shouldn't be allowed to ponder. I'm driving myself nuts.

I'm really happy with the Cardinal this month. I feel like we have some quality news stories that will actually be worth picking up the paper for (though I always think it's worth reading... but I also put in the long hours putting it together). I'm starting to get excited for the paper next year. I think we're going to have a really good editing staff, and I think there will be a lot of teamwork and collaboration.

I'm going to run for student senate vp for academic affairs. It would be a huge time commitment, but I would be willing to drop a lot. If I get it, I think I'm going to limit myself to senate, SAC, and the Cardinal. I'm not going to plan on having time for intramurals, I wouldn't do volunteer mentors again (though I would still volunteer), and I won't keep up the half-hearted involvement with FAC and PRB. The only thing that will cause any real issues will be work. I hate that I have to work when I'm trying to take advantage of opportunities and make the most of my time here at SMU. It amazes me how many people are here on bigger scholarships than I am or don't have to work and don't get involved. If I could spend a year here without classes and spend all of my time on my activities- even the ones that involve time and hard work- I would do it in a heartbeat. I would love to be able to focus all of my energy rather than let it out anywhere and everywhere.

I have so much energy and enthusiasm for the many things I attempt to do (it's a lot of energy when you really consider it all), I often wonder how much I could get accomplished if I focused all of it on one thing. I sometimes think about how much I'm going to love law school because I won't be in a million activities and will be able to really focus on my studies. I am going to devote myself 100% to law school. As of now, I doubt I'll take part in anything else besides Dolina.

I miss Dolina...

I miss sleeping! I need to get a little more done before letting myself go to bed.

When did I become so cynical? When did I stop believing that everyone deserves to be loved? 

I've been doing so so so much thinking lately. I don't really have time for it, but I do it anyway. I have not been focusing on what I should be thinking about or doing. Ever since I started working on my talk for the TEC retreat this weekend (I'm giving the Christian Life talk), and especially since I practiced for the other people working TEC and got their feedback, I've been seriously reflecting on my life.

Lynn said that there were times in my talk when she wanted to stop me and ask me questions. She said I'm very likable and people will want to know more about me. It got me thinking back to the Steubenville retreat before starting high school when my youth group leader told me the one thing he'd really like to see in me is more vulnerability. I'm not one to openly share my true weaknesses. I don't share nearly as many feelings as I'm actually feeling. I share thoughts and ideas, but actual feelings are really hard for me to trust anyone with. I guess I still have a hard time believing that anyone really cares. I have this tendency to devalue myself. I feel undeserving. Even when something goes well for me, I feel like such a fake. Whenever I got good scores on standardized tests, I was almost ashamed. I didn't feel like I had earned them. I feel uncomfortable when someone compliments me or says anything positive about me to someone else because a lot of the time I don't agree with it, and I'm afraid of that kind of attention. I had so many problems when I was little with people thinking I bragged too much, and it turned into this intense fear of showing any pride. Then I got to the point where I was being too negative for my friends. Since then I've been trying to find a balance. I live in my own head so much. I'm cautious to not sound too smart, because nobody likes a know-it-all. I'm careful to not share too many insecurities, because nobody wants to attend a pity party. I'm quick to turn my attention to my friends' problems to try to help them because I know that I want to help them feel better, but I can't guarantee that they want to help me. I've realized that I have trust issues on such a deep level. I've always known I'm a control freak. I need to be involved in anything and everything, and I have to do everything my way, and preferably by myself. I never really knew this extended to my emotional well-being. I never really stopped to think about how hard I work to control my emotions.

I've also realized that I have no problem defending others, but I avoid standing up for myself. Even when I have support from others, I don't have enough faith in myself or my convictions to confront someone. Current key example: I have not yet talked to the person in charge of financial issues about being charged $800 for testing out of that class. I finally printed out the tuition statement, and her office is right down the hall from the Cardinal office, but I keep chickening out.

I need to de-clutter my life a bit. I need to allow myself to live without having to write up a strict daily schedule. It's gotten bad enough for me to be seriously looking forward to law school, when all I'll have to worry about is classes and work. As much as I love my activities, they're stressing me out enough to want to just stop. I look forward to a time when I won't have a constant stream of meetings and events. I need to not have everything planned out for me. I shouldn't spend the present constantly planning for the future. 

Most importantly, I need to leave myself some time for thinking. I'm the kind of person who seriously benefits from a long walk or a good workout, or a real conversation or even some time for blogging.

I feel incredibly overwhelmed right now. I used to be able to plow through particularly busy days or weeks, but it's gotten to the point where it never ends. I use up my energy getting through one tough spot in my schedule, and all of a sudden I have another insanely busy slot. I'm running out of energy; I'm running out of confidence in myself; I'm running out of passion for the things I'm involved in. I feel like I'm losing control of my life, and it's seriously freaking me out. I need to simplify.

On the other hand, I hate to hear the onslaught of "I told you so"'s that are bound to follow. I've been able to handle it all just fine up until now, so it's embarrassing to have to adjust now.

Yesterday someone else mentioned in his talk the idea of a confidence "act." I think that's exactly what I've been doing lately. It started out real, but as I began to lose control, I realized that I wasn't so sure of myself anymore, but I couldn't let on. I've built myself such a high pedestal that I can't hide it if I crash and fall.

Meanwhile, I've gotten so wrapped up in my own problems and plans that I've lost sight of what's actually important. It's really not how many activities I'm in (I've somehow convinced myself that I will go farther in life if I can say I handled so many activities while maintaining my high GPA). ...That's another thing that's been on my mind lately. There's a line in the song I chose to go with my talk that's been haunting me: "How can I further your kingdom when I'm so wrapped up in mine?" I've fallen behind on my volunteer opportunities and have been totally focusing on those things that make me look best, not the things that make me a better person.

Basically, I've been spending a lot of time being honest with myself lately.

I hate when everything happens all at once. I love each individual activity I'm a part of, I have to work, I like coaching speech, and my classes are ok, but sometimes it seems like every single thing gets busy at the exact same time, and it gets really overwhelming. I hate how inconsistent everything is. Sometimes I have nothing to do and get really bored, other times I feel so overcommitted and overwhelmed that I want to cry. I am absolutely exhausted. This chunk of time is the only free time I have all day, and I have to spend it working on homework. I already had 3 classes, church (I was reading), an induction luncheon for Delta Epsilon Sigma, Founder's Day Convocation, and a group meeting. I still have a Benefit Dance meeting, the Mardi Gras Bazaar, an intramural volleyball game, and work. It isn't even enough to make it through today. I have classes tomorrow, coaching, I'll have to find somewhere in town to go to church, and I'll have to do a lot of homework. I might have to meet with my group too. (Can I just say it really sucks to have a 20 minute presentation in a 0 credit class?) Thursday's busy too, and then I have to edit this weekend while working on a paper, studying, doing homework, working, and judging a speech meet. Oh, and I have to write my TEC talk for the meeting on Thursday.

Sweet.

Not so much.

Today my dad made a comment about me needing to find a boyfriend. I'm disappointed that's back. I'm sick of being made to feel like I need a boyfriend right now, because in reality, now's really not a good time for it. I'm already struggling to juggle schoolwork, my activities and commitments, work, and time with my friends. I would hate to not be able to devote enough time to everything else in order to add a relationship. They take a lot of time, especially in the beginning.

Besides, I still haven't met anyone that really meets my standards. I know I have pretty high standards, but I'm not going to just go out with anyone just for my own self-validation or to make my family happy. (Why it matter so much to them when I'm only 20, I'll never know.) I've gotten to the point where I don't have to worry as much about petty teenage high school drama when it comes to guys (there are always a few exceptions, of course), and I have a better idea of what I'll look for in a relationship. Yes, even without having been in one. Like I said, I won't just turn my life upside-down for someone I only sort of like just to make myself feel better about myself.

I have too much on my mind with graduating early and deciding I want to go to law school, and I'm having so much fun spending time with friends and figuring myself out. I've gotten so much more comfortable in my own skin since coming to college, and I've definitely grown a bit of a backbone. I'm getting better at standing up for myself, and I completely believe in my own capabilities. As cheesy as it sounds, I'm really growing and gaining more confidence here. I think that's really important for me right now, and I think it will help me in the future when I eventually end up in a relationship.

But that can wait.

(With that said, I think it's safe to say I'm over my most recent crush. Goodbye half of my drama from before break.)

It's interesting how hard it is to follow someone else's advice until you're giving someone else the same advice. Once you're looking at the big picture on someone else's behalf. it's much easier to realize it for yourself too.

On being a nerd.

I've always been a bit of a nerd. I've learned to embrace it now, but I used to absolutely hate being called one. I really hated... no, I still hate... the negative connotation associated with the word nerd. Since when is it a bad thing to enjoy learning and to do well in school?

Being a nerd in elementary school meant my friends no longer wanted to be associated with me. Once the cliques started, I was pushed aside. Being a nerd in middle school was much worse. It meant I was someone to use. I was worth talking to when someone wanted homework help or needed an extra person on her side of an argument, but otherwise I was considered worthless. Being a nerd in high school meant people were careful about how much they hung out with me. Normal guys didn't talk to me, and some people still used me. Now being a nerd really doesn't mean anything, or if it does, I don't even bother to pay attention to it.

I never enjoyed studying or spending time on assignments. I've always liked learning new information, and I've always had a pretty easy time grasping new concepts, but I was never one to make school my life. I did work hard, but it was not because I needed to out-do everyone. It was not because I thought I was better than everyone.

It was because it was supposed to pay off.

I grew up learning that if I had perfect grades and did well in school, I would be rewarded with college scholarships. I heard about people getting big college scholarships for being good students, and I knew that was something I could definitely strive for.

I gave up the chance to be completely irresponsible and carefree for the goal of a scholarship.

What a waste of my time. As sad as that is to say- that making the effort to do well in school feels like a waste of time- but it really is unfair that I gave up so much of what it is to be a kid because I assumed it would pay off later.

It didn't.

Merit scholarships don't seem to exist anymore. It doesn't matter if you work hard, get good grades, give up your social life, and have real potential to be very successful in college. The only thing that matters anymore is how much money your parents make. I'm sorry, but part of the reason I worked so hard before college was for them. I didn't want my parents burdened by the cost of my education. My parents can't afford to pay for my private university education while preparing for my sister to go to college and trying to pay for other things they need. They have been working hard for their money for a very long time, and I think they deserve to use that money on things that directly affect them.

Not only that, but my parents don't even have to help me pay for school. The only reason they do is because I don't make nearly enough money in my three jobs to pay my tuition bill.

I really think scholarships should be merit based. That's not to say that people with real financial need wouldn't get them. I just think their merit should be ranked highest. You can have financial need and still be a good student and hard worker with potential to learn and grow at a college. There are a number of people here who do not take their studies nearly as seriously as I do and who do not bother to get involved in the campus community, and they receive twice as much aid as I do because their parents make less money than mine do. If people want a college education, they should work for it. They should take high school seriously and really work toward a goal. It is incredibly unfair to think that people who slacked off all through high school and are drinking away their entire college experience are being rewarded more than I am. I find it insulting even.

Everyone is entitled to a college education, but I don't think it should be handed to them on a silver platter. They should work for it. They should take their studies seriously and show some initiative.

Our current financial aid/scholarship system is rewarding the wrong thing entirely.

It's 2am and I have to study for my 8:454am test still, but this will only take a minute.

1. I absolutely hate catty girls who will deliberately be stupid and bitchy to anyone, friend or not. It's worse though when you're screwing over a friend, even if it's not a close friend.

2. It hurts when one of your closest friends is too stubborn and childish to even say hello to you on your birthday. Especially when you didn't do anything to upset said friend.


and...

3. Boys are frustrating. Period.

There is a lot of drama in my life right now.

I have major money drama that I'm working on dealing with.

I have friendship drama I plan on dealing with.

There's some... other drama. I'm dealing with at least half of that situation. The other part flat-out pisses me off. We'll see if I do anything about that.

I'm going to start being more direct with people. I'm going to be open and honest and stick to my guns. I really believe it'll be easy enough.

I'm feeling incredibly confident lately... for the most part.

Twenty.

The most important thing I learned on my 20th birthday: I have the absolute best friends in the world. I am so unbelievably lucky.

My birthday was pretty great. I got to see my family Friday night before work... we went out to eat.

On my actual birthday I got a really good workout in, then we went to Zaza's (pizza place), then to Battle of the Bands for a while, then back to Kelli's to hang out with a bunch of people. It was fun.

There was some definite drama, but it didn't take over my night. My friends are too amazing for that to happen. :)

Now... 363 days!! Haha

I turn 20 tomorrow.

I remember in second grade we had some kind of assignment where we had to think about something happening in the future... but it was something that would happen in 5th grade. It seemed so impossibly far away. I remember being so anxious to get to that point- to be 10 years old, upstairs, and in a skirt and vest instead of a jumper. I couldn't wait to be one of the "big kids." It's a moment I remember very vividly, and I've been thinking about it every time I've thought about my 20th birthday coming up. It was once insane for me to picture myself turning 10. Now I will be double that.

Now I have to worry about my future and working. I have to worry about graduation and grad school. I'm not afraid of growing up... that's not it. I am excited for the future... I just can't believe how quickly everything is happening. I guess I'm just a little dumbfounded.

I can't decide how exactly I feel about my birthday this year. Sometimes I'm really excited, but others I don't even mention it. I know it's pretty low-key. I'm not upset by that. Next year is going to be beyond awesome (sometimes it's good to be the youngest in a group of friends). I'm sure tomorrow will be just fine too. I don't know. I guess I'm not even sure if I'm all that excited for it. I guess I'm excited for the fact that it's only getting better. This last year has been the best year of my life so far, and I can only think of better things to come.

Speaking of both past (2nd-5th grade talk) and future... I think I'm going back to my original life plan, assuming I can afford the first part... Law school anyone?

It cost more for me to test out of Practical Grammar than it would have if I had just stayed in the class. $790.00 more. Almost $800 for one piece of paperwork that would take one person no more than five minutes to enter. I'm pissed. If I had remembered that Arts Core was 2 credits and added that after testing out of Practical Grammar, this wouldn't be an issue, but I didn't. Now I'm still being charged for 12-17 credits, but I'm also being charged $790 for taking one little test.

As much as I love going here, Saint Mary's University screws you over financially. If I had known all this would happen, I would have either sucked it up and gone to school in Poland, or I would have argued more with my dad about going to Madison. Scholarships do not even out a private university with a public one. Now I'm glad I'm graduating a year early. I don't want to give the school another year of money. I don't want to give them money once I'm alum either. I'll tell phone-a-thon people to cross me off their list.

I love it here, but I hate the institution.

I am PISSED.

I am having a full-blown mid-college crisis. This is not news. I spent almost two hours on the phone with Steph today comparing dilemmas, taking personality tests, and researching possible masters degrees. I went through an A-Z list of masters programs in the United States and have a few options to think about. I really feel like I'm just starting over, and it kind of sucks. I hate not having a plan. I've always had a plan, and now that I'm just over a year away from going out into the "real world," I suddenly don't have a plan. It's very unsettling.

We had to test lake water for lab today. We went to two lakes, drilled two holes in each, and took water samples to bring back to the lab. One group was less than intelligent and let the cap of the tool to gather water in freeze shut, so we were stuck outside much longer than we needed to be.

The food situation in the cafeteria is still ridiculous. I'll leave it at that though, otherwise I'd go on forever with complaints.

My philosophy test went well, I think. I always get so worried when I finish a test so much quicker than anyone else (I was done first in around 20 minutes in a class full of philosophy major seminarians); I'm always so afraid that I missed something or just completely misunderstood key concepts that should be harder. I guess we'll see when I get the test back. At least now I know what to expect from my philosophy tests.

I WILL go to bed right after work tonight. Ok, I'll shower right after work, and then I'll go straight to bed. I have no reason to stay up, and it'd be nice to get a decent amount of sleep for once.

I don't want to go to work tonight. I've realized that I can't do anything that requires a lot of sitting still at a computer. I need to move around. I should remember to keep that in mind when I try to figure out what to do with my life.

I should have taken a nap. Actually, I should have gone running. I did not make very good use of my time this afternoon. I have to coach the rest of this week. I wish that didn't break up my afternoon so much. It's a bummer I can't go right after classes. I'm glad it's not later than it is though. That would really suck.

Is a 15 minute nap worth my time right now? I guess we'll see!

I'm usually excited for my birthday. That's not really the case this year. I actually wouldn't mind just skipping my birthday altogether. I kind of feel like I won't notice either way. Who cares about someone's 20th birthday when everyone else is turning 21?

I did not want to wake up this morning. I know that's my struggle almost every morning, but today I woke up way before I needed to and realized I didn't want to wake up because that would make it Monday, and I wasn't ready for this week to start. I'm not sure what I'm dreading so much about this week. I don't really think it's my three tests... I'm really not too worried about them. I'm a little nervous for my philosophy test, since I'm not really sure what to expect, but it's not bad enough to stress me out. (I'm not studying right now, am I?) I really think I just want to avoid my birthday. If I could just skip to next week... or to February break... or to Easter break. I've been feeling a little homesick lately. I miss seeing my family and going to Dolina rehearsals. I miss shopping and just having some 'me' time. I'm almost never alone here, and while I usually like being around other people, I've just gotten to a point now where I feel overwhelmed. I need some time alone.

I feel really out of it today. I just can't shake my ... "I-don't-care" ?... mood. I guess I feel a little burned out, but I don't know why. It's not like I've been working hard or stressing over school or anything. I'm just kind of caught in a rut. Maybe doing something a little different this weekend made me realize how boring my life has gotten. It was a fun weekend though...

Next weekend is going to suck. I work Friday night, and then Saturday is Battle of the Bands. I get to spend my birthday setting up and cleaning up for something I was so bummed to miss last year but don't really care to see this year. Funny how that happens. Then Sunday it looks like I'll be hosting a prospective student. Joy.

I'm so not in a good mood today. I didn't get to run either. After classes I worked on publicity for Winter Week. Then I went to coach speech, where both of the kids were no-shows because they had nothing ready. Then I worked on more publicity, ate yet another crappy meal in the cafeteria, and worked on publicity some more. Now I have 45 minutes to kill before the SAC meeting, and after that I have to do my Stats homework and study for my test tomorrow. Hopefully it won't take long.

I do NOT want to go to my bio. lab tomorrow. Ugh I always seem to forget about that. :(

Late-night randoms

I ate way too much at the Super Bowl party. My stomach is not happy.

I missed the last 1:30 or so of the game for church. Last I saw, the Cardinals were winning. I'm a little bummed I had to miss the end.

I got nothing accomplished this weekend. I did my one-point perspective for art, but I didn't study for my philosophy test Tuesday or do any other homework.

I'm tired and should've gone to bed hours ago.

I'm starting to take some new risks I never took before. They don't really scare me, but I wish I had a better opportunity than this.

I reorganized my closet areas... so I guess I was a little productive. I still have big piles of clothes on my bed.

I'm thirsty but out of clean cups. I don't want to wake Sara up by washing one.

I'm a lot luckier than I ever really take the time to realize.

I'm a very selfish person. I realize it often but don't do nearly enough to change this.

My birthday is in less than a week! This week is going to drag by though. I have two tests and a ton to do for SAC Winter Week publicity.

I feel like I'm going to absolutely hate my birthday this year. With all my friends turning 21, who's going to care about my 20th birthday? I'm worried to even be excited for it.

I'm almost as nervous for Kaja's audition as she is. I know how much this means to her and really want to see her succeed. I'm probably more confident than she is though.

I dropped my new camera last night, but nothing happened. (Thank goodness!)

I think it's safe to say that I'm going through a little bit of an identity crisis right now. I know who I am and am very comfortable with that person, but I have no idea how to figure out who I'm going to be after graduation.

I wore my fall/spring coat today! It felt so nice to not be a big puff of jacket for a change.

I actually took my running stuff with me to brunch today, but the locker room/RAC were insanely crowded for some swimming event for kids, so I didn't run. I'm very annoyed by that.

I have about 23987528347582379057 more thoughts floating through my head right now, but I need to get some sleep.

Philosophy, biology, and my friends, continued + work

The other day in biology we watched a documentary on Africa. I was actually very surprised by it. Apparently cows are taking over and ruining agricultural land, and they're causing problems for native species. Hunger and famine problems have more to do with overpopulation and poor use of land and resources than with drought and the conditions people have lived through for so long. Foreign aid goes to things like giving people a certain amount of food rather than educating them about birth control and more productive use of land. I don't know... something about that video really got me thinking.

As for my friends... I absolutely love them. Tuesday was Molly's 21st birthday, and she was hilarious. Beth and I were supposed to pick everyone up from the bars, and she volunteered to drive because she likes driving and hasn't driven much lately. I'm not the biggest fan of driving, for the most part at least, so I didn't argue it. Long story short, we got pulled over. I know it was a little embarassing for Beth, but she got off with a warning, so now it's just a funny little story. (It's hard to remember that the speed limit changes from 45 to 30 on the bridge after the river road.)

I've also realized lately just how well my friends know me. They know how to put up with my mini-rants, and they know not to argue back when I'm annoyed with them for little things. They know I'll let it be and will be laughing again within a few minutes.

Work today wasn't bad. I really like work when we don't have a ton of phone calls and get to chat. I like my co-workers, and there's always an interesting conversation at some point. Taking calls isn't bad either, as long as I can hear the coach... and as long as it's not WSHS girls' hockey... someone from the team generally calls those in, and they never seem to have all the information.

My boss has been telling me I should change my major. It's hard to look forward to your future when your editor is telling you to get out of journalism and do business or something. I think it's a little late for that, what with graduation being just over a year away. I'll just have to seriously try to figure out grad school possibilities.

On a brighter, random note, I had no classes today! That was really nice. I also get to coach high school speech this year, which is a lot of fun so far.

I think I should get some sleep... I'm working out with Lily at 11 tomorrow...

Philosophy, biology, and my friends

I often find myself planning out blog entries in my mind throughout the day, and it's really frustrating when I don't have a chance to actually write them. Yesterday I had three things I wanted to write about, but I had to go to meetings, coach, edit the paper, and go to Molly's birthday dinner. I don't even think I was in my room for more than a couple minutes.

We watched a documentary on Neitzsche in Philosophy of Person yesterday. I decided that it's more than a little odd that we actually take his theories and ideas about human nature as seriously as we do. The guy lived a depressing, physically painful, isolated life. He lost his dad and brother at an early age, was sick most of his life, and didn't really talk to other people. What could he know about human nature? His view would obviously be very heavily influenced by his own experiences, and those experiences are by no means typical of humans. How many people go live in the mountains alone? It just really doesn't make sense to me.

See, here's where I really hate not having time to blog when I want to. Now I have time, but I don't feel like typing the rest. I'll finish later.

I'm not sure why, but this year I've been catching bad colds for like one or two days and then feeling better. I swear I had a fever yesterday, though I felt a little better after taking a nap. Today I feel fine, besides a few sniffles and sneezes.

So my boss gave me Thursday night off, so that day got even better. I got to go to my intramural volleyball game, and it was soooo much fun! My gosh I miss volleyball hard core! We won, and then we stayed and played 5-on-5 for over an hour. It was awesome.

I was sick by Friday, which was not fun. I had to cover the women's hockey game too. By the third period, I was so cold I felt nauseous... (how do you spell that?!) Anyway, I got to type my story from here and email it in, so I still got to hang out after. (I know I probably should've stayed in and gone to bed early, but I'm so glad I didn't!) We kidnapped Lily! We all dressed in black and went over to her place. Then we tied her up, blindfolded her, and took her to Molly's car. We drove around for a little bit, stopped at Wal Mart (Molly and Beth ran in for supplies while Kelli and I waited in the car with Lily). Then we drove back to Kelli, Molly, and Beth's place and had ice cream and girl talk time! It was fun.

Yesterday I edited the Cardinal for about 5 hours... mostly alone. I would have stayed longer, but I thought my head was going to explode, so I went back to my room to sleep before work. I didn't even go to dinner. Work was pretty slow, but I tried to be as productive as possible. After work I went to Kelli and Molly's to give Brittney her birthday present because she was going to be there, but she had already left. Had I known, I probably would have gone back to my room. Instead, we talked for a long time and I slept over there again. I felt better this morning though.

Today was spent editing and working Casino Night. I won a new digital camera! It's soooo much better than my old one! It's smaller but has a bigger screen, it comes with a rechargeable lithium battery, is 10.3 megapixels (my old one is 6.0), and it's so much faster at taking pictures! I've been secretly wanting to save up for a new camera, but I figured it wasn't practical considering other things I need to save up for and the fact that I already had a camera. I'm very excited though. :) Now Kaja can have my old camera, which is nice for her because she's been wanting her own and used her money on her video camera.

I guess if you cut out feeling incredibly sick half the time, it was an overall good weekend!

Today is shaping up to be a pretty great day! I woke up to the smell of freshly-made coffee (gotta love auto-programming) and got ready in enough time to go to breakfast, where there was French toast!! (They haven't had French toast for dinner yet this year, so today was my first time having it since last year.) My first class was in the library today. The librarian showed us some books and search engines that will be helpful with our research projects, and then our groups all got together to research or discuss. My group divided up the research (already one of the most efficient groups I've ever been in!), and then I searched for about half an hour until I had to go to Stats. Two minutes into class time, a professor came in and announced that our professor is out for the day and that there is no assignment. Now I have a little over an hour before Nutrition, which is my only other class for the day.

The rest of the day shouldn't be too bad either. After lunch all I have is my SAC office hour, a meeting at 3 Cotter High for coaching speech, working out at some point, and work from 8 or 9 until 11ish. That gives me a lot of extra time for some cleaning, working on my stories for the Cardinal, and possibly going ice skating with Molly and Jody! I don't even have any homework to worry about.

I love when life gives you a break like this. :)

My thoughts aren't really going in order right now, so bear with me

What I thought would be a killer semester has quickly become the most boring, relaxing time I've had in a while. It's nice, but I can't help but feel like I'm forgetting something or wasting time. Things will pick up though.

I think the weirdest change is that I don't have to really do much of anything for my classes. The reading is pretty minimal, and I think I'll only have one paper and one group project overall. I'm also starting to see why I tested into a tougher level of math. I kind of feel guilty for not challenging myself more, but it's not like I'm not learning anything. It's just not requiring a lot of time and effort.

I'll still have a busy weekend each month for editing the paper (this weekend, whoop), and I'm coaching Cotter speech. Meets start in less than a month, so the team's already behind. I'm finally actually meeting with the other coaches on Thursday.

The benefit dance is in March, and as co-chair, I'm sure I'll have a lot to do for that. Publicity for SAC should just feel less overwhelming. Volunteering is going smoothly, and intramural volleyball isn't a big time commitment. It's kind of nice to have a low-key semester.

I'm going to a newspaper convention later this month, and I'll be going to the capitol with Student Senate to lobby for state grant money? Something like that. I should have more time for working out too.

Today I went snowshoeing in the bluffs. It was pretty cool, but not really what I expected. I really want to try cross country skiing at some point too.

"If we’re really honest with ourselves, most of the times our plans don’t work out as we’d hoped. So instead of asking our young people: What are your plans? What do you want to do with your life? Maybe we should tell them this: plan to be surprised."- Dan in Real Life

I like this. It's true. Why make big plans way in advance if it's likely they won't turn out right?

What am I so afraid of? What do I think is going to happen that would be so terrible? Why am I still building walls and keeping people at arm's length? I've never trusted my friends and family so much and known I could depend on them for anything. I've never been more secure with myself. Why am I still holding back? Why am I still so worried I'm going to get hurt and be left alone? I know that my friends have my back. I know I can trust them with absolutely anything. I know they won't ditch out or stop caring. I know that I have a true support system. I should feel, more than ever before, like I can try almost anything without worrying that my world will crash down around me. I've been through enough experiences to know that I can make it through all kinds of emotional stress. I can get through almost anything and not be entirely worse for the wear. I've learned to find a lesson in each experience. Now I need to learn to take chances and create new experiences. I've been sticking too close to my comfort zone. I tend to stick with only those things that I can control. I need to put myself in situations where I don't have total control. I need to learn to roll with the punches and think on my feet. I need to learn to trust even more than I have. I need to know that I'll still be okay if I'm not in charge. I need to learn not to be so afraid of such stupid, simple things that really shouldn't be all that scary.

TGIF

Tonight was a really good night. Dolla Dance! I've never had so much fun at a dance before! It was definitely a lot of fun!

It's been cold enough to close Winona schools yesterday and today, so I've gotten both nights off work. That's been kind of nice.

Katie and Jess are both visiting for the weekend!!

I think this is going to be a really good weekend in general. :)

It is warmer in parts of Antarctica than it is here. Seriously, some parts of Antarctica are getting up to the upper 30s! That's just not right. :(

I don't really feel like sleeping. I should, but I don't want to. I didn't nap today. I was afraid I'd never leave my bed. I think after this I'll go read a bit.

I was never taken off the email list for the PR/Business Club, and since I have more time this semester, I think I'm going to start going to meetings again. It might not be a bad idea since I'm starting to think about doing something more business-related.

I had one of my little freak-outs today. I researched different careers that work well with a journalism major and then looked at the Peace Corps. Add that to other career searches, grad school searches, and other long-term volunteering programs, and I think I've covered any possible post-graduation plans. I still don't know what I'm going to do. I really wanted to go to the career fair, but I'll be in Indiana visiting Jenny then. I am probably going to go to a newspaper conference with the journalism professors and a few other journalism majors. That might be interesting.

I think I should start thinking about summer internships/jobs. I still haven't heard from the Pioneer Press. I know Nacel would take me back, but I want to see if I can find something different. I want all the experience I can get, and I think variety can be very helpful. That'll have to wait for my next freak-out though.

Meanwhile, I'm supposed to be enjoying my time in college. I'm supposed to enjoy not worrying and being crazy. I haven't been doing that enough lately.

Baby it's cold outside...

It is freezing. No, it's colder than freezing. Even in my classes I was cold. I kept my jacket on in stats and had to put my scarf back on a few minutes in... and I was still cold!

I'll still have to go outside when I go to work out, and then I'll come back here, and then I'll go to dinner. Yikes. At least the high schools postponed all of the games, so I get the night off work.

Katie's coming to visit tonight (for the whole weekend)!! I miss her already, and she hasn't even left for Ireland yet! :(

I don't know why I was so worried about this semester. It's actually turning out to be much easier than last semester. I don't have Grammar anymore (though really, that wouldn't have made anything harder), and I never really have homework in Art Foundations or Environmental Biology. Philosophy of Person and Principles of Public Relations are just readings and one project each. Stats isn't hard so far, and we get a lot of time to work in class. Nutrition is pass/no credit, lasts half the semester, has no homework or tests, and is really interesting. Once it's done I'll have Aerobics, but I'm actually really looking forward to that.

I think I might take a nap, as long as I have time to. :)